April 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #7
What’s New?
This month has proven to me that when things are applied in the right way, taking action works and when something is unintentionally missed, home life can fall apart.
What do I mean? Sometimes when parents learn a new tool they take too much action. They use the tool all the time, even if the child isn’t responding. They think aren’t you supposed to use a parenting tool until you get the response your looking for?”
Let me clarify. When you begin offering choices to a child try offering them most of the time to see how the child responds. If the child simply avoids making a choice think about this way. What may be happening, by the repeated use of choices, is the child may become “Choice phobic”, either now or may in their later years. The child thinks if I make this choice, the other choice goes away forever. Then they become afraid they’ll loose too much by making choices so they stop making them. This is not what any parent is looking for.
Choices help a child switch from a possible power struggle to cooperation. It can be a win-win, when it’s working. So take a look at your child’s responses. If choices were working but they’ve begun to create power struggles, pull back for a while. Then try choices again.
This month has been very busy for us. ProActive Parenting is hitting the road for the first time. We've taken The Whole Family Series and turned it into The Whole Family Weekend, and we're off to Boulder Colorado for the debut. The weekend will be a Friday evening from 6-9 & Saturday from 9-3. Why do I share this? Because The Whole Family Weekend will be coming to Portland in June!
If you’ve wanted to take The Whole Family Series but your life has stopped you from committing to one more thing, especially something that’s 4 weeks long, your problem is solved!
Send me an email to get on the waiting list. Send it to: info@proactiveparenting.net
Now for year-end details; I know to all of you it looks like April, but to me it’s almost June. This is important because this year ProActive Parenting shuts down at the end of June until the 2nd week of September. For summer reading, my book list now appears on the website in the online store section.
Finally, don’t miss the teen poem this month. It’s a perfect example of why we do the parenting work we do!
Children Need To Be Interested Before They Can Learn
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Sometimes I'm a terrible teacher of my own children. Here's an example. “This is a strawlegged mosquito,” my daughter told me. “Hmmmm,” I said, “Very interesting…” I added. I took a brief look at the flattened creature in her hand then wrapped it in a scrap of paper, packed her and it in the car, and took off for the library. Science lesson time. “We're going to learn more about insects,” I announced, nudging her through the doors of the library.
I found the section of books on insects. She sat looking through fairy tale picture books. While I looked up mosquitoes’ she escaped outside to play on the grass. I searched and searched but could find no mosquitoes’ with the name “strawlegged.” Finally I found the correct name of the creature she had shown me. Calling her back in, I showed her. I gave her the correct name. “Hmmmm,” she said. “Very interesting…” She wandered off to look at the display cases.
I checked out three books hoping she'd look at them at home when there weren't so many other distractions. She never touched the books. Finally, when the book were due, I brought up the subject again, suggesting she could learn more about the mosquito and other insects, including their proper names. “Oh,” she answered, “I don't care what they are really named—I like to make up my own names. I named that one the strawlegged mosquito because of the stripes on his legs. Remember how it looked?” I didn't.
I hadn't paid attention to either the legs or the name she had invented once I found out it was “incorrect.” I found the specimen still wrapped in the scrap of paper stuck in the pages of one of the books. Indeed it did have stripes on its legs, just like the old fashioned drinking straws. “Oh, now I see,” I said. “You're a good observer,” I added, a little late. My heart was in the right place but my attention was elsewhere when it had counted.
Instead of being sensitive to what my daughter was trying to tell me in the first place, I made a lesson that she wasn't interested in, She didn't care about someone else's classification and labeling scheme of insects—she was more interested in inventing her own. She was being scientific in her observation skills. I should have picked up on that fact. But I didn't pay attention because I had my own agenda. I'm not the only parent who gives lessons children aren't interested in.
I remember a toddler once in the Laundromat who asked a simple question about the change-making machine. The mother took the ball and ran with it giving a 15-minute lesson on math, economics and how things worked. “See four quarters come out, four quarters make a dollar, and how many nickels make a quarter? Five.” She answered all her own questions. The child fiddled with a shoelace. Ten minutes later she was still at it. “Here’s where we put the quarters. Do you know why we need quarters? Yak, yak, yak.” The child played with a pile if spilled soap on the floor.
My message is: pay attention. What is your child really saying? What is an appropriate response—one that will keep her on her own interest track than always trying to jump her over to yours? Sensitivity is the name of the game. I wish I had more of it.
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in1951.
Father’s Role
In the old-fashioned home the father was usually the head of the household. He made the decisions, his wife carried them out; authority was vested in him, he meted out punishment or approval, his wishes were paramount.
But today not only the facts but the theory have apparently shifted. Men, it is true, are still in most cases the financial heads of the family, But in all other respects the wife is likely to rule…
There is a strong likelihood that in many homes of today children grow up feeling that women are the naturally the bosses; the role which their fathers play in their destiny may be pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be, but it is often extremely nebulous…
A man's business it seems, is money making; a woman's the rearing of children and the management of the home. A man expects his wife to be an “expert” on children, and he tends to hold her responsible when things go wrong, much as he holds the head of a department or a special consultant whom he may have engaged in his business responsible for slip-ups in office efficiency. The trouble with this view is that a home and a business are two entirely different things, and attempts to model the one after the other have definite dangers. By Anna W.M. Wolf
Children Learn What They Live Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.
Take Time Julie O'Brien
Take time to hold me in your lap, to joke with me and make me laugh,
Take time mommy; this time will go fast
Take time to give me extra hugs, time mommy; I won't be little long
Take time to tuck me into bed, to read that story you know by heart,
Take time mommy; soon these days will part,
Take time to exclaim over what I color, to admire the things I make from clay,
Take time mommy; I'm growing up and away,
Take time to imagine or make believe,
Take time to imagine or make believe, to play childish, silly games,
Take time mommy; soon it won't be the same,
Take time to let me help you work, to teach me the many things you know,
Take time mommy; enjoy me as I grow.
(My children are 21 & 24. Take the time mommy, it really does go away too soon.)
Teenagers Learn What they Live From a poster at Powell’s Bookstore in Portland OR
If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.
If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.
If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.
If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.
If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.
If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honor others.
If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.
If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.
If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.
If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.
If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.
If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world!
That’s why we do what we do at ProActive Parenting. Making changes to your parenting during the preschool years can really help the set the tone for the teenage years.
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
As seen on The View Graham Haley & Dr. Carolyn Dean
1. Get a mirror and a blob of shaving cream. Rub some shaving cream on a mirror with a paper towel. Then wipe the mirror off. The remaining residue will remain on the mirror for up to fours weeks, making the mirror a fogless mirror.
2. Help children who hate baths by using a unbreakable mirror and some shaving cream. Let them squirt shaving cream on the mirror and make pictures on it. As they play you wash and it’s over before you know it. One of my tips.
3. Don’t have time to clean, but have to? Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into the toilet and wait 20 minutes. brush and flush. The citric acid and the effervescent action cleans vitreous china.
4. Use Alka-Seltzer to clean a vase too. Fill vase with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait 20 minutes and rinse.
A Parents Place From: Suzy Long
I thought I was getting so slick at my two-option presentation: “Shelby, would you like cheerios or shredded wheat for breakfast?” After the third time he responds, “First things first, Mama, we need to start our day with chocolate Easter eggs!” Stoically, I reply, “Nice try, love, would you like cheerios or shredded wheat?” He grinned and chose cheerios. Scary, no? He’s 3 –
I’m so afraid that he’s going to be a lawyer!
Thanks Suzy for a great success story.
This is a perfect example of how not to go for the bait. If you get angry and begin talking about the chocolate egg, you’ve fallen for the bait. If you show no emotion and continue the choice, the child realizes that was fun and I guess I need to make a choice.
Enjoy the weather. SS
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