News at Proactive Parent

Happy Spring:  April began with 2 huge successes; sold out seminars in Phoenix called How to Respond not React to Preschool Behavior. Thanks for all the great feedback and enthusiasm! 

We’re going back to Phoenix:  For those of you who couldn’t make to the April seminars, and there were a bunch, and we’re returning to the Mesquite Library on May 5th and to Ironwood Library in Ahwatukee on May 8th to do the same seminar again!

To all of you in Tucson: We’re doing the same seminar at 10 preschools in the area before the end of the school year! Email us to find a seminar near you.

To those elsewhere: We plan to travel to other cities around the country this summer to give this seminar too. If you’re interested in having a seminar come to your city email info@proactiveparenting.net for details.

We’ve gone global: Parents are now reading this newsletter from Canada, England, Singapore, New Zealand, Switzerland and the Netherlands—Welcome! Send your friends this URL and let read this newsletter too.

A new feature: Each month from now on we will spotlight one of the MINI-seminars we have available on-line at proactiveparenting.net. Each section of the newsletter will be connected in some way to the topic contained in the spotlight MINI-seminar.

No, we don’t do that all about teaching boundaries to those who are just learning words. If your child is older than 3 you can achieve the same things mentioned in this newsletter with seminar #2, and we will spotlight that one soon.

A new feature:  From now each month we'll spotlight one of the Seminar On-demand. And hopefully, if I can pull it off, each section of the newsletter will be connected in some way to the topic of the Seminar On-demand.
This months spotlight is on #1, Correcting Toddlers

No, we don’t do that all about teaching boundaries to those who are just learning words. If your child is older than 3 you can achieve the same things mentioned in this newsletter with seminar #2, and we will spotlight that one soon.
A special thanks to Heidi McClaren for the heads up on last month's newsletter format issues.

My Monthly Rant

Boundaries and squashing a child’s spirit

Okay I must confess, while the writers strike was on I began watching some reality TV. Personally I hate reality TV so I only watch ones that involve families. In case you haven’t figured this out yet, I really am a child development geek! Anyway something I saw this week unnerved me and caused this month’s rant.

Several families were invited to bring their children to a fancy dinner at a restaurant. As the evening progressed a four-year-old got bored and began walking up to people and screaming. It wasn’t a tiny scream; it was an open mouthed-full blown scream with a huge smile. The guests were appalled, and the parents did NOTHING! One guest finally piped up and said, “Do you allow your children to just scream?” The parent said, “Yes we treat them like they’re intelligent little humans and we don’t talk down to them.”

That statement set me on a tear! I think some parents have a big misunderstanding about a child’s reaction to a boundary and the fear that boundaries will squash a child’s spirit.

Long time readers know how much I adore a child’s free spirit and would never intentionally squash it. Having said that, what were those parents thinking????

The job of any parent is to teach their child the social rules, acceptable manners and how to get along in the world with others, especially when a parent isn’t around.

When a parent enforces a boundary or makes a correction and a child reacts by screaming, yelling or tantruming it can be upsetting for everyone. And if a parent then decides that correcting that behavior isn’t worth upsetting the child any further or if the parent is afraid of squashing the child’s spirit and gives in, the parent has taught his child something I don’t think he meant to teach him.

Remember a preschooler is young and still uses immature thinking. It never enters a preschoolers mind that his reaction to a parent’s correction is over-the-top. All the child sees is that his world has changed. What he was allowed to do yesterday, which he considered normal, is being corrected and he’s not allowed to do it today. The preschooler simply sees his over-the-top reaction as a method he uses to get things back to what he considers normal. He uses an over-the-top reaction because it has always worked to make his parents cave in and give him what he wants.

Not enforcing boundaries or correcting behavior may not seem like a big deal during the preschool years, but it’s a very big deal! Why? Because the preschool years are the time in life when the foundation of who your child will become is being created.

If your child learns, during the preschool years, that he can enforce “it’s my way or the highway”, or he learns “I can make adults do as I please by reacting really loudly until they cave-in”, then school will be difficult, sports will be a challenge, his peers and co-workers will find him hard to work with and his friendships and personal relationships will also be challenging. Why? Because all of those situations either require living with someone else’s rules or require that you take another person’s point of view into consideration in order to have a successful relationship.

Learning to live with the rules of others is best taught during the preschool years, believe it or not the preschool years are the time in life when there’s less arguing!

Don’t be afraid to set a loving, yet firm boundary, its a parent’s job! When you set a boundary or correct behavior you can absolutely be loving and supportive so no damage is done to your child’s psyche and so you don’t squash their spirit. That principal is at the root of everything ProActive Parenting teaches.

  Try to remember this story the next time you don’t want to set a boundary or don’t want to correct behavior because it takes sooo much to deal with the big emotions preschoolers have. I know it takes a lot of energy, and I know every parent on the planet wishes that parenting would be more like instant pudding—i tell you to do something and you do it, but it doesn't work that way, unless your interested in creating better behavior through fear. Think about what you’re teaching a toddler or a preschooler when you choose not enforce a boundary. And if you don’t know what action to take, look through Seminars On-demand, on the top navigation bar and choose one of the seminars, they'll tell you what to do!

If you don’t see your particular issue—email me and I’ll consider addressing the issue!

Yes, it takes practice to get good a setting a boundary or correcting behavior without anger. Hang in there, it’s worth the time you put in. This month’s Janet Gonzales-Mena’s article will help you understand the need to practice before giving up on a new method and shares 2 other ways to help correct behavior.

From a Parents perspective - By Janet Gonzales-Mena

Parenting Techniques Need to Be Practiced

Parenting techniques are useful. I've learned lots of them. The problem is I am awkward when I learn a new one. Like playing the piano or shooting baskets, skill building takes practice. Parenting skills are no exception.

While you’re working to improve something feedback is valuable. Luckily my children are always most eager to let me know how well I'm doing at my parenting techniques. I don't even have to ask. I know I have mastered a technique when my children don’t notice it any more.

They are good at picking out new ones.

Take the time I first started using “active listening.”
(Active listening is a means of reflecting back the emotion a child is displaying so the child feels “heard”)

My twelve-year-old son was blind with fury over some small incident and I remarked, “I can relate to your irritation.”

          “Don't use that psychology talk with me,” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You sound like such a phony!
           Besides, I'm not irritated, I'm MAD!”

Well I blew it that time. But I didn't'’ give up. Instead I practiced and got better until I was so smooth that my children didn’t recognize when I was using active listening and when I was just being my old natural self.

Even when I am good at a technique, it takes my children some getting used to. For example I was working on “conflict resolution,” a method of helping children talk through and sort out a conflict. I had honed my skills at nursery school, but I hadn't tried them at home until the day when two neighborhood four year olds were arguing over a Tonka truck in my back yard. My own four year old was standing on the sidelines watching them—and me.

I walked over to the two boys tugging on the truck and using a calm matter-of-fact voice I said, “I see you both want the same truck.”   The boys turned to look at me, “I had it first,” screamed one. “Talk to him about it,” I said indicated the other child.

They continued to make me the focus point. “It's my truck…” sobbed the other child looking directly at me. “I see how unhappy you are. Tell him, not me.” Again I put the argument back into the hands of the two children.

I was surprised at how fast the two took up my clues, argued it out, and went back to playing contently. My carefully   
practiced conflict resolution skills had worked!

I was basking in the glory of my success when I realized my son was looking at me with his mouth wide open. “Mommy, how come you were taking so funny?” he asked.

I did sound funny to him—not because I wasn’t good at what I was doing, but because it was new to him. He was more
used to my old way of handling conflicts.

Of course when I’m pushed to the end of my rope I still stomp around, whine, and fuss like I used to. But today I have more choices—not ones that came naturally, but ones I've learned.

Parenting is a skill—one we learn as we go along—from books, from classes, from other parents. Skills takepractice.    
None of us ever start out perfect. We don't end up perfect either, but we get better if we work at it.

Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now

Mother’s Encyclopedia – Compiled by the editors of Parent’s Magazine Printed in 1951

Manners – The Importance of Good Manners

“…Rules of etiquette are important because they are helpful in associating pleasantly with people. The manners accepted in any society are those that have been found in that society to increase the delights of social life. …When good manners are encouraged in early childhood they become a natural part of life as they do not when they are learned later. This is why it is never too soon to teach a boy or girl how to eat properly, to make and respond to introductions with dignity, to answer the telephone calls politely, to receive callers and guests into a home graciously. …”

I had to include this one, my how things have changed. I believe in manners being taught to little ones, as long as they are taught at the age appropriate level and in a way that doesn’t begin a power struggle or end with punishment. I remember my grandmother trying to teach me at 3 how to answer the phone. I also remember how I’d rush to get the phone so my 3 year old, in his excitement, wouldn’t accidentally disconnect the remote phone as he was bringing it to me. Time and technology can really impact parenting!

Look What I Found

1. Looking for potty training help? Great site, Potty Training Soultions.com

2. Looking for more help with Potty Training? Try http://babyzone.com

   This post is on Baby Zone where several moms’ give ideas of how to do potty training.

   Also Ask Moxie has several great posts on the subject too.

3. Speaking of smelly things! I opened a jar last night and thought, this doesn’t smell, it will be fine. Then we ate it and it had gone bitter!  I know I should have tasted it first! I found a product called DaysAgo It will count backwards letting you know how many days a jar has been open. You can get it at Amazon.com for 9.95.

4. One last tip. This one comes from me. Spring has sprung and on beautiful warm days parents may allow their child to chew some gum. That is until they see the gum stuck to a piece of clothing. The best way to remove most of the piece of gum is to freeze it. Either put the entire garment in the freezer or use an ice cube. Wait until the piece of gum is really frozen and then remove it.

A Parent's Place

By: This story comes from someone in 2003. I no longer know who shared this wonderful story. If it was you, email me and you’ll get credit next month. This story shows a magical method to correct really young children’s behavior, it shows how to correct behavior lovingly yet firmly, and it shows how shifting your perspective can actually lead to a solution.

I first came to Sharon's class when my little boy was18 months old. We had just been at a meeting with a lot of other children. My son ran around the meeting purposely pushing every other kid he came close to. I was so upset! Here I was trying to raise him in a thoughtful, non-violent way, and he was being so mean! He was even laughing about pushing the other children. I was just mortified!!

I brought this up with Sharon and the other mothers in our moms’ group. I was stopped cold in my tracks when Sharon asked “Why does it made you so angry?”  Wow, that shifted my perspective. Instead of agonizing over why my son was behaving so badly, I could focus on my response to it, which most likely would change the outcome, Sharon said. Instead of getting mad, I could stay calm and respectful and use the words and phrases she suggested to get him to stop. 

Sharon gave me a great idea for how to deal with my son's behavior. This tip has proven to be one of the top parenting tips of my parenting career.  It works for many not-so-likeable behaviors that are really unacceptable. 

The method is in  #1 Correcting Toddlers

You would be amazed that a method so loving and simple actually works, in a lasting, meaningful way. My son quit pushing other children (right away!), and we have never had much of a hitting/pushing problem with him since. He is 4 years old now!

Now I have two boys, and though we have our moments, I think I am a much calmer and more thoughtful parent. And, my kids know the rules. This doesn't mean that they never hit or push each other, but they have learned that mom means business about that non-violent thing. I think we are a more peaceful family because we have loving limits.

See you next month