Happy April and Happy Earth Day

Several times a year I come across situations that remind me to remind you that there’s no perfection in parenting and there’s no one perfect method, not even ProActive Parenting, although we do try to come close, LOL.

What do I mean by this? Unless the same parents raised you and your husband or partner, I won’t go there, you both had very different experiences and issues as a child. Now that you’ve had a child you both bring your individual experiences and issues into the raising of your child. There’s one other factor to consider, your child. Your child is an individual who has his/her own experiences and his/her own will.

What does this mean for your family?

It means you’ll never totally escape disagreements, power struggles or outbursts of yelling every once and awhile; there’s no perfection in family life, it’s human nature to see things through different looking glasses. Family life means working through old childhood wounds and issues, disagreements due to different parenting styles and dealing with a child’s desire to have control and power in order to achieve family harmony.

With that in mind this month’s focus in on power struggles and ways to deal with them.

Over the last few months I’ve implemented a new marketing tool to introduce ProActive Parenting to parents by publishing free articles. We have 70 schools nationwide and many websites/blogs publishing our articles and I wanted those who get this newsletter to be able to read them each month as well.

For those of you who came to our website because you’ve already read the article in your school’s newsletter or from the web, don’t worry the articles here are a little longer and have a few more details in them than the ones on the web or in a schools newsletter. The reason for that is I can use as much space as I want here plus I always include several extra things in our newsletter that no one else sees.

If your preschool or website or blog would be interested in receiving these articles each month contact me by email at: sharon@proactiveparenting.net . (Notice dot net.)

Here you go, enjoy!

My Monthly Rant

Power Struggles: Once it begins how do I stop it?

It can happen anywhere and at anytime. A child screams his demands and his parent feels overwhelmed, embarrassed or angry. Mom increases the intensity of her reaction because she knows what’s coming—a power struggle. Her son wants to be heard so he continues the negotiating and arguing. Now both parent and child are loudly trying to make their point and a power struggle has begun.

• Why doesn’t the arguing and negotiating stop when a parent says, “stop it now”?

The short answer is your child is still learning and your reaction is one of the things teaching him.

When a parent increases the intensity of her reaction to stop a power struggle it can scare a child. Toddlers and preschoolers tend to revert back to a slightly younger age when they are really emotional. A parent’s big reaction can push a wee one over the edge emotionally causing a power struggle to get bigger or to morph right into a frightened tantrum.

The other thing that could happen is due to immature understanding; a young preschooler can view a parent’s reaction as a form of teaching. They may misinterpret your reaction as “Oh, so this is how you’re supposed to behave” and then they model your behavior right back at you.

• Warning

This idea is not intended to stop power struggles from ever happening again. Power struggles will come back again. It’s how children push the envelope so they can learn the boundaries in different situations. Power struggles happen because a child has hit the end of his rope verbally, physically or emotionally and isn’t mature enough to know how to handle his big feelings and express himself respectfully at the same time, not yet. So he uses arguing and negotiating as his method of communication.

• How to drop your end of a power struggle
Since your child is young and learning from everything around him, you need to make the first change. How? Mom and dad can back out of the power struggle by going silent for 10-60 seconds. It’s that simple and that powerful. The silence is not to be used as a punishment and it shouldn’t go on any longer than it takes for your child to recognize there’s been a change in your reaction. As long as the silence isn’t punitive it quickly becomes more powerful than the arguing. It sends the message, “I hear you and I’m no longer willing to argue with you.”
   
• Your first reaction after reading that may be, “doesn’t that mean I’m letting him get away with disrespectful behavior?” No, actually it’s quite the opposite.

Parental silence captures his attention and he realizes, “She’s not giving me what I want when I argue.” And since he’s emotionally out of control your silence shows him that you’re calm and in control and he’s comforted by that. He also senses that pleading, arguing and negotiating has to stop.

• You need to explain why you’ve gone silent or it will either confuse him or cause a bigger fuss.
    As soon as you realize you’re in a power struggle go silent for 10-60 seconds.
    THEN
    Explain, “I will not be talking until you stop arguing.” Notice the short preschool level statement.
    THEN
    As he begins arguing again—go silent. He will try to argue with you again to see if you’re serious.

Repeating instructions is key as you do this tip. Repeat this process as many times as needed the first one-five times you try this.
     
So the next time you find yourself arguing with a 3 yr old or older—go silent for 10-60 seconds, take a few deep breaths and wait for your child to get calmer before you talk. Then follow your heart as you help him learn about your family’s rules and resolve the situation.

From A Parent’s Perspective by: Janet Gonzales-Mena

This is an excerpt from Dragon Mom, another one of Janet’s books that she’s given me permission to use. The ideas are perfect to use instead of or just after going silent, as suggested in the above article. I told you there’s no one perfect method, LOL.

What I know: I know how to fight and how to clear the air of my anger. I know how to distinguish arguments that are mine from those that belong to other people. I know how to respond to the arguments of others by helping them express feelings, problem-solve, and clear the air of anger. I know that anger and arguing are ways to get attention. I know that anger and arguing are ways to achieve an intense interaction.

What I do:  I fight dirty or refuse to fight when it’s my argument. When it’s not my argument, I often ignore what’s going on. I may run away, get mad, or use pushy power to make things happen.

Why: I’m a dragon. I don’t think about what’s going on, but just react whenever one of my buttons is pushed. If I get involved in my children’s arguments inappropriately, I may feel a need to get mad and fight. If I run away, I am lacking in energy or interest or feeling powerless. 
(The “How to Respond Not React” seminar we offer gives parents the details to spot when they’re about to react and shares the words and actions so a parent can facilitate not contribute to the power struggle.)

Example: I am trying to solve an argument between my 4 and 6 year old.

Child 1:  “Give that back! It’s mine!”
Child 2:  “Get you hands off it or I’ll tell mom!”
Child 1:  “Go ahead! It’s mine!” Gives brother a shove.
Child 2:  “I had it first!” Screams
Mom:     “Okay children, that’s enough arguing. Give it back to your brother.”
Child 2:  “But I had it first!” Clutches toy desperately.
Mom:     “You can play with this one.” Mom offers and alternative toy.
Child 2:  “But…”
Child 1:  “Na, na, na, na, told you so!”
Dragon mom appears “Stop it right now, both of you! That’s it! I can’t stand all the bickering. Don’t either one of you dare
                                      to open your mouth again, or I’ll do something so horrible that you can’t even imagine what it is!”

It would never end there of course. They’d keep on and I’d keep trying to assert my power. I was never very effective at stopping arguments by trying to show the arguing parties that I was more powerful than they were. We all knew it wasn’t true. They were the powerful ones. They always sucked me in and I often ended up blithering and fussing more than they did.

Instead of assuming a power stance a parent can be a problem-solving facilitator.

When I began teaching preschool I learned another way to handle my children’s arguments. Instead of taking a power stance I arrived as a problem-solving facilitator. Instead of involving myself I could remain emotionally detached. I learned how to get arguing parties to talk to each other instead of appealing to me. I learned how to help them express feelings. I learned how to keep them engaged with each other until a solution was reached or the situation was defused.
(Seminar # 3 on our website, “Power struggles; I Already Told You No”, outlines a situation where a parent is engaged in a power struggle and shows you how to change the dialog so you can be a problem-solving facilitator)

…Here’s a sample of a preschool teacher handling the same situation.

Child 1:   “Give that back! It’s mine!”
Child 2:   “Get your hands off it or I’ll tell teacher! TEACHER!”
The teacher is already on the scene because she is aware that she will be needed.
Teacher:  “What’s happening here?”
Both talk at once.
Child 1:   “I had it first!”
Child 2:   “I was playing with it!”
Teacher says in a matter of fact tone of voice: “I see you both want the same toy.”
Now the children begin to punch each other. She prevents that.
Teacher:  “I see you are both very angry.”
Child 1:   “Yeah. I hate him!”
Teacher:  “Tell him how angry you are with him.”
Child 1:   “I feel like beating him up!”
Teacher:  “Talk to him, not to me.”
He turns to the other child, but before he can speak he is answered.
Child 2:  “Yeah? Just try beating me!”
Both stand with clenched fists. Teacher remains silent but ready to prevent violence.
Child 1:  “I had it first!’
Child 2:  “Yeah, but it’s mine. TEACHER!” He appeals for help.
Teacher:  “Tell him, not me.”
Child 1:  “I heard him. It’s yours, so what!”
Child 2:  “So give it to me!”
Child 1:  “You weren’t even playing with it. You were drawing.”
Child 2:  “Yeah, but I want it now.”
Child 1:  “But why can’t I play with it while you are drawing and then you can play with it?”
Child 2 says reluctantly:  “What If you wreck it?”
Child 1:  “I’ll play here so you can watch me.”
Child 2 says reluctantly again:  “Well, okay.”

Moral of the story:  Encourage arguments; don’t avoid them.

ProActive Parenting thoughts

I wouldn’t say encourage arguments, I would say don’t try to snuff them out so soon. There are many valuable skills being learned when a parent stays out of the argument and simply facilitates instead. Personally, I would have asked the children to use less violent words as they expressed themselves. This book was written a long time ago when our society assumed violent talk between children was normal and had no emotional or actual consequences. The children in this scenario have learned that their feelings were valued not just shut down. They learned that punching each other will not be tolerated and they’ll be stopped any time that begins. They also learned that they’re capable of solving their own problems. It’s amazing how children sometimes have the better solution.

Things I found that can help your family life

ProActive Parenting has a new feature, products produced by others that we now endorse. You’ll find them on our website by clicking “All We offer” on the navigation bar and then clicking the box with the light bulb called the ProActive Parenting Store.

1.  One new product is called Cruz Coyote’s Game Cards. It’s a game to play with preschoolers that helps them learn more positive ways to handle anger. This allows you to Respond, NOT React to their expression of anger and helps you teach them better ways to express anger in the moment when they’re actually angry.

2.  The other product we’re now endorsing is a book called The Get ready for Kindergarten and Get ready for First Grade books. Did you know that there are 7 things a child really needs to know before entering kindergarten? I didn’t know that, but it’s true. This is a great book, so easy to read and so much fun that your child will never know she is learning.

Check these products out and buy one for you, your family members and all of your friends!
If you have a child friendly product you think will be a good match for ProActive Parenting send an email!

Here are a few other things I think you will enjoy.

3.  Are you having problems keeping your child in his car seat? I’ve searched for years for a product like this. At www.babyhuggables.com these unique products are for use on shoulder harness straps. Don’t forget that seminar #8 called, Self-control: Are you allowed to do that, has all the words and actions needed to teach children to listen when danger is near. Whether it’s getting out of your car seat, while on walks or in busy parking lots this seminar shows you how to teach a child how to stay close without any yelling, punishment or power struggles.

4.  Tired of cooking but still want healthy food for the kids? Take a look at www.pitterpatties.com. This site has scrumptious, all natural, frozen mini-casseroles perfect for ages 1-101!

5.  Planning a trip by plane or in the car? Well check out www.littlejetset.com. Look on their left navigation bar under road trips for some great games and projects to occupy kids. Also look under luggage and bags for child size bags that the kids can wheel themselves. Both of these products will help reduce power struggles in the car and on the plane.

Important Medical Information

I am not one to pass on fear and panic to others but this bit of information needs to be known. If you use a hand sanitizer like Purell—STOP. If your child licks her hands after using these types of products or accidentally ingests it, he/she can die very quickly of alcohol poisoning. I checked it out on snopes and it's true. Here's the link and story. www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/sanitizer.asp

This story doesn't even address the other issue with these products which is that these products kill all bacteria including the beneficial bacteria. Please consider this information if you are considering this product. I know that many of you would say  "my child would never ingest any thing like this."  or "I keep things like this away from my children, they can't get to it."

When I was three I climbed up into our medicine cabinet and ingested an entire bottle of baby aspirin. Moral of the story, even smart, adorable, cute children like me, LOL, can do really stupid things in less time than it takes for a parent to climb the stairs. Just thought you'd want to know.

Hope you enjoyed this month’s newsletter and all the ideas to reduce power struggles and your involvement in them.
See you next month.