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April 2010 Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff
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| News from ProActive Parenting |
Happy Spring! I watched the news this morning and saw that some of you woke up to snow instead of spring! Here in Arizona it’s windy and everything is blooming, which means my poor husband is sneezing up a storm!!
I only have one story to share this month and it’s a hoot!
We all know that social media is popular and pretty immediate. Almost everyone I know uses FB, Twitter or LinkedIn or all three. I’m sure it’s the same for all of you too. In fact some of you are following me on FB and Twitter!
I really appreciate those of you who are following me and I’d love it if more of you would do me a favor and follow me too. I NEED MY NUMBERS TO GO UP.
FB and Twitter are two very important things I do for ProActive Parenting. The numbers on FB and Twitter reflect how well my media platform is doing. I don’t like having to watch those numbers and I don’t like having to ask anyone to follow me, but for the moment it’s important so I’m doing it.
Anyway, back to my story. Some days I forget just how immediate and powerful FB and Twitter can be. Last week I was fooling around in my profile looking for something and I accidentally hit the wrong button. Normally that’s no big deal, I’d just switch it back, no problem. Well, I wasn’t paying attention to what I had done so I logged out and went back to work.
Twenty minutes later my sweet husband walked into my office and said “Looks like we’re divorced!” I looked at him like he was crazy. I thought for a moment and I still wasn’t getting it. I said, “What are you talking about?” He said, “I just got an announcement from FB that said you went from being married to being single!” I’m like, “what!” Then he continued, “There are several emails for you and they just seem to keep coming. People are expressing their concern for you, their sorrow at the dissolution of our marriage.” I gasped and realized what I did! I clicked the wrong box on my FB profile. I had no idea that it would make a public announcement!! I’m still trying to master all this stuff!
I fixed the profile and then quickly made an announcement so the emails would stop coming! Then I sent messages to those who were concerned. Thank you for your concern, it was really sweet, I felt really loved! Then I realized I had to send a message to my two children, who thought this was hysterical, and remind them not to read everything that’s written about their mom!!
A word of caution—be careful what you put out there or something really weird could happen to you too! You know what they say, “the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated! Go ahead and laugh, we did! Oh, and hubby had the last laugh. After I clicked the correct box, he received an email asking if he agreed that I was his wife, he told me he had to think about it! Five minutes after he clicked “I agree we’re married” on the FB email a friend emailed and said Mazol Tov on your wedding!
Happy Spring!
| Long-winded Explanations or Short Questions: Which Works? |
By Sharon Silver, ProActive Parenting
Have you ever given a long-winded lecture after a timeout? Does it sound something like this, “We have rules for a reason. When I make a rule you’re supposed to follow it—not ignore it, do you understand me? When I tell you not to take your sisters things I mean it! How would you feel if she took your favorite things?” We’ve all done it. I was always afraid that if I didn’t have a long-winded lecture to make my point my children would never figure things out for themselves. That’s just not true.
Did you know that to a young child a long-winded lecture feels just like another timeout? Lectures can cause a child to say things like “I never do it again, promise!” in order to make the lecture stop.
• Children do try to absorb what you’re saying but “big talks” can be too much information all at once.
Some children may begin to shut down or withdraw instead of listening to you when you lecture.
Watch your child’s body language. If his body stiffens, he rubs his eyes, hands or legs, or tries to give you a hug as you’re lecturing, he’s trying to tell you that he’s reached his limit and needs the lecturing to stop. He’s trying to tell you, in the best way he can, that he can’t absorb your feelings and his feelings about what he did and the consequence all at once, it’s just too much for him.
• Wait a minute—I thought explaining something to my child was what I’m supposed to do?
How she’ll really learn what you want her to learn is to ask her what her thoughts are about what happened and then wait silently as she musters up the courage to talk to you about it.
• How can I get her to share her thoughts?
The words Safe, Kind and Honest have been used for a long time and have become popular again. At a time when your child isn’t crying or in trouble explain the concept behind the words using examples to make sure she understands. Let her know these are the new rules in the family. After she understands all of that, use the words as part of a question instead of lecturing. Don’t assume that because she’s fully verbal she understands the concept behind the words and how her actions impact others.
Ask her if what she did was safe? Allow her to think about it for 10-20 seconds without saying anything. Then ask if what she did was kind, and again wait silently. If needed ask her if she’s being honest about what happened, and wait. The words safe, kind and honest serve as a reminder of what the family rules are without you needing to lecture to get the point across. When the words/rules are used in question form they cause her to really think about them over and over again, which is also the best way for her to remember them too. Asking questions really can replace lecturing and timeout because they cause more learning to occur then just sitting in timeout.
• Silence is golden for a reason and there’s a warning.
When you ask a question and then become silent for 10-20 seconds it does many things.
The 1st thing it does is allow your child to think about what happened and how it impacted another.
Her answer allows you to see how she views the situation so you can fill in any missing information.
Silence after each question allows you to take a deep breath, release your anger and regain your calm.
Warning: Use silence for just a few seconds; if she doesn’t answer your question, help her out.
Children don’t like this because it makes them take responsibility for their actions. This only works if you’re loving and empathetic while asking the questions. Slowly ask the questions to guide your child to his/her own aha moment versus feeding them all the answers through your long-winded lectures.
So next time, instead of giving long-winded lectures, try using the words Safe, Kind and Honest and then be Silent. It teaches your child more than you think.
| Goal is Cooperation, Not Obedience |
By: Janet Gonzales-Mena
“My kids never listen to me,” is a complaint I hear often from parents. I'm beginning to wonder if evolution has left the next generation with a hearing problem. Perhaps our ears are becoming useless appendages only good for displaying earrings? WRONG!
The problem isn't in our children's ears, it's in their motivation systems. And the problem isn't theirs-it's ours.
What do parents really mean when they say, “My kids never listen to me.” They mean, “When I tell my children to do something they don't do it.”
If you ask then to elaborate they'll give an example like, “I tell my son to take out the trash and he just keeps on reading like he didn't hear a word I said.”
Perhaps you have that problem too. If so, let's explore a little further. Think about what you want. Is it really obedience you’re after? Sure it would be easier if we could issue an order and our kids would respond like little soldiers. But do you really want your kids to obey someone's orders all their lives? I don't. I want them to think for themselves. After all, I can't be sure those giving the orders—those in authority over my children—will always be benevolent.
My goal is not obedience and compliance but cooperation. I want my children to learn that they are better off when they are cooperative than when they are not. How do I teach this lesson?
First of all, I have to become sensitive to my needs and those of my children whenever a problem arises and they “won't listen to me.” I can express my needs and even my frustration. That gets things out in the open and may relive me. But I can't expect my needs or even my anger to motivate my child. My children are wrapped up in their own needs.
My anger doesn't cause action on their part, because that only works if they are afraid to displease me. Ruling by fear is not my goal. I certainly don't want my children to use their anger to control others, so I don't want to model that approach myself.
So how do I teach cooperation? I start by having a discussion about, for example, joint responsibility for shared living space. The discussion needs to be tuned to the age of the child in question. I'll also make sure I'm not mad when I start this discussion—because anger gives it a whole different complexion.
I will use a problem solving approach, not a lecture, in this discussion. Together we'll explore feelings and choices. We'll explore trade offs. We'll decide on consequences when someone fails to do what he or she has agreed to.
I'm not saying your child will jump up from a good book and empty the trash if you follow my advice. I am saying that children feel more powerful, therefore more willing to cooperate, when they are part of a decision making process. I'm willing to bet you'll find that their ears work better too!
Signing Families™ is very proud to announce that their newest DVD-“SIGN LANGUAGE FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS- ASL, English and Spanish” is now available with a included mini-chart. This DVD was created to help First Responders, Health Care providers, Educators, the Red Cross, and others to assist Deaf and/or Spanish speaking individuals during an emergency or medical situation. The DVD is narrated in English and Spanish with ASL being signed simultaneously. Also, Open Captioning is provided with both English and Spanish. For information about how to purchase this DVD send an email to info@SigningFamilies.com. ProActive Parenting does not make anything on this video. It’s just such a good thing I wanted to pass it along.
Ways to get more food into your child
From Momlogic
My great nephew is 20 months old and my niece called tonight wondering why a very good eater has stopped eating anything other than pasta and pizza! I assured her he was going through a developmental regression and I gave her these suggestions.
• Butter and seasoning
Most parents keep their child’s food pretty bland. But some kids don’t like non-seasoned food and they have no way of telling us. That’s exactly what happened with tall, my oldest. It wasn’t until he was much older that he was he able to tell us that he loved spicy and highly seasoned food. Who knew!
• Try adding chicken broth instead of water when you cook. It adds much more flavor.
• Of course we know that cheese covers everything!
• You can add one of the following, beets, carrots, carrots, and bran, to your family’s favorite muffin recipe.
• Make spaghetti and meatballs. Add carrots or zucchini to the meatballs. They blend well and can’t really be detected.
• Make a desert and hide some fruit in there.
• Mac and cheese can have some squash or carrot mash mixed in with pretty favorable results.
• Don’t forget smoothies!
Games at the Table
From Scholastic Parent & Child
Sometimes dinner is just too serious. All eyes are on the child who won’t eat and that can cause a bunch of problems. Instead of reminders and/or threats try playing a game at the table while you eat.
• Try making up stories. One person begins the story and then the next person adds to it and so on and so on.
• Play the animal game. One person thinks of an animal. The others take turns asking yes or no questions until the animal is discovered.
• Try a Dinner Games Deck. FamiliesWithPurpose.com. Cost $15. They’re full of quick, exciting, and educational activities that encourage both conversation and good eating habits. (I know the owner of this site, so tell her you heard about this from ProActive Parenting.)
Have a great month everyone!
Sharon
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