December 2003
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #4
What’s New?
Oh, the holidays. Since you can’t hear the inflection in my voice, you have no idea whether I’m longing for or cranky about the holidays. Everyone has a different reaction to the holiday season, even our kids! Parents and kids are bombarded with the latest and greatest toys wherever they turn. Most kids change their mind dozens of times before Christmas. Some even seem upset after the gifts are unwrapped, even though that’s what they asked for on their wish list. Or after tearing open gifts Susie remembered she wanted the toy Jason just got too, or what ever, you know the story.
One mom asked me; “With all the chaos at this time of year how do I allow my kids to learn from choices if they change their mind about what they want every five minutes?” Another mom says, “They get so greedy, I want to cancel the whole thing right now!”
Well, I can’t help you with all your holiday chores, but I do have a great suggestion to help kids with the gift selection process! This suggestion comes from one of the moms in the Nurturing Connections moms’ group, I loved it, and so I’m passing it on to you!
1. Decide how many gifts suggestions you’re willing to listen to from your child(ren). Many parents tell me 3 toy suggestions are a good place to start.
2. Tell the kids a brightly colored envelope with their name on it now lives on the refrigerator until December...
3. Give each child 3 strips of paper per envelope. Let them know they can make as many different choices about gifts as they want to before you go shopping, or before Santa visits.
4. BUT, only 3 gift ideas can be inside the envelope at any one time.
5. They can take a gift idea out of the envelope and put another one in as many times as they would like until Dec ... Then the envelopes are collected and the choosing is over.
Parent Bonus: You get to have a calm running dialog about gifts instead of a screaming match about greed, or remember what you asked for last year and didn’t played with?
Begin asking questions as the children change their minds about the choices in the envelope.
Say things like:
“I see you’re changing your choice of a Barbie for an Easy Bake Oven, sounds like fun."
"What did you like about Barbie? What do you like about the Easy Bake Oven?"
"How often do you think you would play with a Barbie?"
"How often would you play with an Easy Bake Oven?”
Asking questions allows your child(ren) to think about their choices, and try the choice on for a few days
to see if this is what they really want. Another bonus; She’ll have accepted her choice long before the early morning chaos begins! Make sure there are some other surprises that she didn't ask for too!
*Note: There will be no newsletter, groups or classes in January.
By the way, I’m longing for the holidays! I hope you enjoy them, see you next year!
How To Teach Children To Feel Their Feelings
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez- Mena
My advice this week is to feel your feelings and teach your children to do the same. Sounds redundant doesn't it. How can anyone not feel feelings? Let me tell you.
I'll use myself as an example. I was taught as a child to hide my feelings. I learned early that strong emotions bothered the adults in my life. “Mad is bad” “Don't be scared” were the mottos of my family. Even exuberance was discouraged, because it tended to be “wild.”
Today when scared or angry feelings arise in me I can still hear a medley of voices in my head saying, “That's nothing to be scared of.” “You're not really angry.” “Don't be silly.” “Forget it!” And forget it I did. But just willing to forget isn't enough; I had to learn some distraction techniques. They worked well and I stuffed my feelings deep down inside, hiding them even from myself.
Now in the case of anger, stuffing caused stewing. I was a master stewer. The simmering was practically audible. The problem with stewing was the anger built up until the stew boiled over and then I raged. The rage often poured out unexpectedly over my children. Since I started working on feeling my anger—really feeling it, I eliminated the stuffing-stewing-raging syndrome. I can recognize anger now when it arises and I can turn off the voices that tell me to ignore what I'm feeling. I can stay with the feeling and fully experience it instead of distracting myself. I don't get intellectual—that's a distraction technique. It isn't important to understand what's going on. What's important is experiencing the feelings and accepting them as real.
When I focus on feeling anger I get a clarity that doesn't come when I'm busy distracting and stuffing. Unfelt feelings can be damaging, physically and psychologically. Felt feelings, and the emotional energy they bring, can be used constructively to live a fuller and healthier life as well as improve personal relationships. Tension gets released instead of being buried; it turns into positive energy that is useful for solving problems.
I am not saying that it is always appropriate to express feelings, or to act on them. I am saying that acknowledging them to yourself, experiencing them fully, and appreciating them is part of a process many of us never learned because the models in our lives were so busy avoiding emotions they didn't like. I am proposing that by working on your own feelings, you provide a good model for your children.
Here are some further tips (besides modeling) for helping children to feel their feelings:
- Validate emotion.
Let your children know that it is okay to be angry, scared, and jealous. Accept whatever they feel as real even if you don't think it's justified or even if you rather that they didn't feel it.
- Separate your feelings from your children's.
Step aside from their anger enough to prevent your own anger from being triggered. Empathize with their fear but don't get sucked into it.
Teach your children acceptable ways to express their feel- ings, and help them learn to control their actions. The secret to living a full and healthy life is to feel feelings. I know. But it took me half a lifetime to learn!
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in1951.
Entertaining The Teens
Parties for boys and girls in their teens require just as much planning in advance as the most sophisticated party for adults. From thirteen to sixteen is a difficult time, when our sons and daughters feel they have put away childish things but are only on the brink of being able to carry on an articulate conversation. They must be planned for, therefore, and directed or they will prove as uninteresting to themselves as they are destructive to the furniture.
Start them Playing: I have learned from experience that two or three young guests will doubtless arrive before the appointed time, and I am ready for them. I keep them well away from the scene of the dinner itself because I have discovered that tables, set with condiments, plates, cards, any accessories, are too much of a temptation. The guests will either make away with the nuts or change the seating arrangements.
So, in the summer, I try to have them gather out of doors. A croquet set or a ping-pong table can ease over the first twenty minutes of a sup- per party better than the best intentioned artificial conversation. I start them playing, as soon as the first two arrive.
In winter, the cellar can provide the same advantages as the lawn in summer, or the phonograph will come to the rescue. It seems to me better, for this occasion, than the radio because the young are so attuned to contemporary music that they will find additional amusement in selecting pieces of popular music of their own choice.
Besides, the radio creates confusion at a time like this and the important thing is to set the mood of the party by having an easy, good time, right from the start. By Sophia Yarnall Oh My! SS
Gifts for Children The Anglican Digest The best life-long gifts possible SS
The Gift of Acceptance
Teach those around you that they are loved for what they are, not for what they do or even how much they please you. Give this gift with a kiss.
The Gift of Self-Confidence
Help them to understand and accept that no one can be approved of all the time, and that when one encounters disapproval he need not feel immobilized or upset, that he must trust himself, not the opinions of others. Give this gift with a hug.
The Gift of Life Without Fear
Don't be a worrier yourself. Show them that you will tackle problems and that you will not
just sit around and fret about them. Encourage them to become doers as well. Give this gift with a laugh.
The Gift of Being a Person who has a spark and an appreciation for all of life.
Encourage them to be fully alive in every way. Allow them to have adventure, chances for
laughter, fun, creativity. Give them the supreme gift of being able to find happiness in
virtually all circumstances. Give this gift as they go out the door.
Keep This In Mind Anonymous- Thanks Dad for sending this to me.
People may forget what you said.
They may forget what you did.
But they will never forget how you made them feel.
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
As seen on The View By: Graham Haley and Dr. Carolyn Dean
Helpful Holiday Hints
1. When a room gets stinky from cooking or animals make an instant room deodorizer: Combine 1 cup white vinegar w/ 1/2 tsp Lavender or peppermint extract or your choice.
2. Furniture polish: Combine 1/2 cup boiled linseed oil (available at hardware stores) and 1/2 cup white vinegar and 1/2 cup turpentine. Pour a small amount on test area 1st.
3. To help find small lost toys in the carpet place a pantyhose leg over the nozzle of your vacuum cleaner hose. The vacuum will suck up the item, but prevent it from being sucked into the vacuum hose.
4. Too much salt? If you accidentally over salt a dish, while it’s still cooking drop a peeled potato into the pan and it will absorb the excess salt.
5. To easily remove burnt food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover the bottom pan, and bring to a boil on top of the stove. Watch that the water doesn’t boil away and cause further damage.
6. Forgot to have your jewelry cleaned before the big holiday party? in an Aluminum pie plate combine 1 tbsp washing soda (Arm & Hammer make this) and 1 tbsp salt to 1 qt. water. Dip jewelry in the mixture and it will clean instantly. Note: Use only for hard jewelry like gold, silver, diamonds and sapphires. Use ONLY toothpaste or rubbing alcohol on soft gems like emeralds.
A Parents Place
By Chris Chandler
When things are going awry in my household, my 3-year old son is balking at what seems like everything, not being cooperative, and I find myself saying things like “I mean it!,” I finally stop and look at what I’ve been doing recently. I realize that much of this behavior starts when I stop giving choices.
When I fall off the choices wagon, I am amazed at the results each time I get back on. Recently my son was spitting water in the pool. “Stop spitting water.” He keeps spitting. “I asked you to stop spitting the water.” He keeps spitting. I feel myself getting more frustrated, see him getting more payoff for spitting. I can almost see him smiling impishly inside each time my voice goes up a half octave. And then I remember: choices. “Would you like to stop spitting or get out of the pool?” His answer? “Stop spitting.” And he does.
Sometimes it seems so simple it’s stupid. And it works again and again and again. Recently my son asked me to come into the living room to play trains with him. I told him I couldn’t, I had to fix dinner. “Mama,” he said, “that’s not a choice.”
I have really enjoyed working with all of you this year and look forward to meeting the
rest of you in 2004! Have a magical holiday season. SS
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