December 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #13
What’s New?
Happy Thanksgiving & Merry Christmas!
As I write this newsletter I’m also baking a pumpkin pie and preparing for thanksgiving.
Why do I share this?
Because no matter how old our children get, no matter what we do for a living, the holiday meal is a big deal. Moms never have this day off. Whether we work outside the home or inside the home, the holidays mean women multi-task. My family was very, very generous again this year. They offered to cook the entire feast. They offered to give up the tradition all together. They offered to eat another one of Dad’s enormous Indian feasts, I declined it all.
No matter how old I am, no matter how much work I’m involved in, I still long to be the one to set the turkey on the table. I want to be the one who fills their belly with love and comfort food.
Each year as I serve the food I can literally see all the hard work travel from their smiles to their belly, then down deep inside them to their memories, where it’s stored for a lifetime. My mommy-self is full! Another successful holiday complete.
As the holiday’s approach, even with the warm fuzzy memories from last year, I ask myself, am I crazy to do this when I’m this busy! This year the answer emerged as I was deciding whether or not to take them up on the offers not to fuss. I realized that for many years now I have done all the prepping, cooking, and serving because I know that one of these days, in my case pretty soon, I’ll look back and realize that last year was our last Thanksgiving with just the four of us. My children have begun to think about what the holidays have meant to them over the years. They’re thinking about what, if anything from our traditions they may want to re-create with their own families some day.
One day I won’t be the only woman they love. One day I won’t be the only woman who cooks for them. One day I won’t be the only one who they make memories with. I will share my kitchen with someone who fills their heart in a very different way. I will watch as they love and are loved.
I share all of this with you today in the hopes that you will stop and take a moment to look around you this holiday season. And I invite you to look with different eyes.
Don’t just see and feel the love coming toward you from your partner/spouse and child(ren). Also look for the love that was created by others that you’re now enjoying. Look at how your in-laws loved your spouse/partner and how their love created his/her capacity to love you and your children. Look at how both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles and trusted friends have shared their love with you and are teaching your children about the different kinds of love that are available in life and other people traditions.
When you wish them happy holidays let them know that the love you now share with your partner/spouse and children was first created with them, there are no kinder words you could share.
I hope one day to receive a call/card/note/sticky like that from my daughters-in-laws. Then I will truly know that my sons are loved and will be taken care of. Happy Holidays.
Back to business! Siblings are a big concern during the holidays. As much as I’m wistful about children, traditions and leaving the nest, I’m also realistic. I know that it can sound like two people trying to murder each other when they fight, especially over new toys!
Please also know that the siblings seminar is NOT just for siblings who fight and don’t get along. This is for all siblings and all households. No matter how your children relate to each other, deep down all siblings have one thing in common. They all wish to be the ONLY ONE in their parents eyes. This seminar will help all parents give those feelings to each of their children. Join us and give your family a great holiday gift, the gift of family peace. SS
Stuck In Middle? Try To Listen, But Protect Yourself
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
I often find myself caught in the middle. I’m either a connector putting two people in touch with each other (like my husband and son.) or I’m squeezing between two powerful forces who are in conflict with each other. If you have more than one child, and they fight now and then, you know what I mean.
Here’s how I feel when I’m caught in the middle of someone else’s conflict. I’m squeezed until I begin to feel my energy, indeed my very brains, under pressure. Eventually, if I don’t get out of the way of the forces in conflict my energy is squeezed out through my pores and my brains pop right out of my ears. Not a pretty picture.
Afterwards I’m not a pretty either-I’m a deflated human-shaped balloon-used, flat, and full of puckers, wrinkles and stretch marks. It’s just a wonder that I ever fill back up again and am able to walk and talk in human form with both brains and energy restored. The problem is I’m and open minded person. I’m a good listener. I’m sensitive. I don’t know if that came with parenthood, or if I was that way before-it’s been so long now that I can’t remember my life B.C. (before children).
These caught-in-the-middle-times are when the argument isn’t mine. I have my own issues, sure--things I feel strongly about, areas I want to use my power to change. But I seem to be a magnet for other’s issues also. I often find myself with angry people on either side slugging it out-right through me.
I am a great person to be in the middle because I can usually see both points of view clearly. Although both parties are always wanting me to take sides, I can’t seem to let one perception go to the exclusion of the other. I’m on both sides at once, so of course both sides are mad at me as well as at each other. The challenge for me, and for any you who find yourself in this position, is to be a listening, reflecting, understanding, sensitive person, and protect yourself at the same time. Sometimes I can do this juggling act. It takes awareness-presence of mind-to do that. I have to be conscious of what is happening. I have to separate my issues and feelings from those of the arguing parties.
The best way to describe how I do this is to say I step back. Two of my children will be telling me their different stories. I leave my body there in the middle between them, and take my awareness off to one side. It’s like being in a picture hanging on a wall. You can’t see the picture until you step out of it. Once I am removed enough, I can watch what is happening while directing my body, mind, and feelings from this new vantage point.
When I do this well, I can keep the conflicting forces off myself thereby holding my own energy inside and preventing my brains from popping out. I can also avoid exploding, which is a definite threat when explosive energy is pounding on me and the sparks are flying. It isn’t just these dramatic moments that are the problem-it’s also being in the middle of the daily little interactions that empties me.
Someone once said that being a parent is like being an old-fashioned telephone switchboard operator. That image really struck home. I can just see the operator-sporting earphone and mouthpiece confronted by a spaghetti tangle of wires and a board filled with holes to plug them into. At home with my family I often sit in the operator’s chair with every single call going right through me. I’m the connector. “Mom, ask dad if he’ll pick me up today.” “Tell Robin that I want a ride to the store.” How come Timmy left his socks on my computer?”
When I’m doing a good job I can send the calls on without any drain on my energy. But that takes time and sometimes I can’t prevent the drain. I have solved the problem though. I discovered a while back that I can teach each member of my family direct dialing. Oh, it’s a modern world we live in!
Books I recommend – A new section
How can a busy parent know which books are valuable and which ones aren’t?
They get recommendations from other parents or teachers. What rarely gets recommended are the books that aren’t “traditional” parenting books but still have great tips in them for creating better days. That’s what this section will be all about. If I can find enough books, feel free to send me your selections too, I’ll include 1 book and a small section from the book so you can get an idea of why I think it’s so valuable.
ALSO: Each book we recommend is listed in our bookstore on this site. If you choose to buy the book, do us a favor and go through this site, thanks and Enjoy.
Home Management 101 By: Debbie Williams
Excerpt: Holiday Organizing Tips
“Food — Stock your freezer & pantry during the month. You'll have fewer trips to the grocery & fewer meals to prepare. In fact, this might be a good time to cash in those pizza coupons.
Use Your Best Talents — Don’t try to do it all when you entertain. Florists and interior designers will decorate your home for the holidays, or you can hire a college student from the art or drama department for a small fee.”
I’m an organizational freak and I found a bunch of tips to make the holidays a lot easier. SS
Momilies: As My Mother Used to Say By: Michele Slung
Proverbial Wisdom
- Two wrongs don’t make a right.
- The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
- Water seeks its own level.
- When my eyes close, yours will open.
- A miss is a s good as a mile.
- Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
- A fool and his money are soon parted.
- You can’t judge a book by its cover.
- In the dark, all cats are gray.
- The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
- It’s no use crying over spilt milk; there’s enough water in it already.
- Handsome is as handsome does.
- You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
- You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
- Pride goes before a fall.
- If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
- If my grandmother had wheels she’d be an omnibus.
- Little pitchers have big ears.
- Silence is golden.
**Just in case you run out of things to say during the holiday’s!! SS
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to all of you.
** There will be no Newsletter in January. This newsletter will arrive again in February.
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