February 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #5
What’s New? Welcome to 2004!
I hope you had a great holiday and survived the ice storm!
It’s February and some people feel like Valentines day is a Hallmark holiday and down play it as much as possible, and I get it. Let me tell you a short story.
When I was a little girl my Mom wasn’t the most warm fuzzy lady on the block, she loved us and we knew this, but she had a hard time expressing it. Each year on Valentines day we would wake up to find a beautiful envelope with a little book of poems or stories of love inside. There was one for me and one for my sister. We loved them, and then promptly forgot about them. They stopped coming as we grew older and then reappeared again for short time in our early twenties.
Here’s why I mentioned the books. As a teenager Mom and I went through a lot, as many mothers and daughters do. When we were having words I would find that I, almost unconsciously went to these books to be reminded of the love that was between us. I needed reminding, and it always set me straight and helped me realize that love was the most important thing in a relationship, not the bad words.
So even if you think that Valentine Day is a Hallmark holiday, consider the impact that sending some loving thoughts may have on your child, now and in the future. Go ahead, be a mush ball. It's easier than you think, especially because it's once a year!
This issue has some really helpful points in the poems and stories. Janet Gonzales-Mena’s article this month is about Practicing Parenting Techniques. This month has 2 brief entries from The Mother’s Encyclopedia and as always they’re a hoot! Finally, we have 3 insightful poems and much more. Enjoy and read on.
Parenting Techniques Need To Be Practiced
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez- Mena
Parenting techniques are useful. I've learned lots of them. The problem is I am awkward when I learn a new one. Like playing the piano or shooting baskets, skill building takes practice. Parenting skills are no exception.
While you're working to improve something feedback is valuable. Luckily my children are always most eager to let me know how well I'm doing at my parenting techniques. I don't even have to ask. I know I have mastered a technique when my children don't notice it any more.
They are good at picking out new ones. Take the time I first started using “active listening.” (Active listening is a means of reflecting back the emotion a child is displaying so the child feels “heard”) My twelve year old son was blind with fury over some small incident and I remarked, “I can relate to your irritation.” “Don't use that psychology talk with me.” he hissed through clenched teeth. “You sound like such a phony! Besides I'm not irritated, I'm MAD!” Well I blew it that time. But I didn't give up. Instead I practiced and got better until I was so smooth that my children didn't recognize when I was using active listening and when I was just being my old natural self.
Even when I am good at a technique, it takes my children some getting used to. For example I was working on “conflict resolution,” a method of helping children talk through and sort out a conflict. I had honed my skills at nursery school, but I hadn't tried them at home until the day when two neighborhood four-year-olds were arguing over a Tonka truck in my back yard. My own four year old was standing on the sidelines watching them—and me. I walked over to the two boys tugging on the truck and using a calm matter-of-fact voice I said, “I see you both want the same truck.” The boys turned to look at me, “I had it first,” screamed one. “Talk to him about it,” I said indicated the other child. They continued to make me the focus point. “Its my truck…” sobbed the other child looking directly at me. “I see how unhappy you are. Tell him, not me.” Again I put the argument back into the hands of the two children. I was surprised at how fast the two took up my clues, argued it out, and went back to playing contently.
My carefully practiced conflict resolution skills had worked! I was basking in the glory of my success when I realized my son was looking at me with his mouth wide open. “Mommy, how come you were taking so funny?” he asked. I did sound funny to him— not because I wasn't good at what I was doing, but because it was new to him. He was more used to my old way of handling conflicts.
Of course when I'm pushed to the end of my rope I still stomp around, whine, and fuss like I used to. But today I have more choices—not ones that came naturally, but ones I've learned. Parenting is a skill—one we learn as we go along—from books, from classes, from other parents. Skills take practice. None of us ever start out perfect. We don't end up perfect either, but we get better if we work at it!
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in 1951.
This month we have 2 selections
Suitable Cosmetics
It is possible by dint of a little shopping around to discover lipstick scented with flower odors or others not suggestive of night clubs. A touch of lip- stick and a little powder is really all the enhancing that youthful looks require, according to our modern regime of artificial beauty…There is a correct way to apply powder so that it will enhance the natural healthy radiance of a good skin instead of covering the glow along with the shine.
As for rouge, noticeable use of it nowadays suggests lack of sophistication rather than the grown-upness (yes, it’s printed correctly) girls are anxious to achieve, since fashion insists on natural effects in facial coloring. By Gertrude Woodcock
Dancing for Vigor & Grace:
The question is no longer “Should we send our children to dancing school?” Now, we take for granted that dancing is an essential part of modern education. But where, when, and to whom we should send our children for this important phase of their training is still under lively debate.
“Should I give my child ballet dancing?”
“Is acrobatic dancing harmful?” another wants to know.
“Does barefoot dancing give children fallen arches?”
“Do you approve of stage dancing?”
“How soon should children learn social dancing?”
“Is there a reason why children should not be taught tap dancing?”
“Why isn't folk dancing more popular with the young people?”
“How can boys be made to like dancing school?”
Fortunately, in this day and generation we know enough about child psychology and anatomy to answer these questions conclusively. It is no longer a matter of opinion how and what children should be taught, it is a matter of science. By Lucile Marsh
Parent Poems From ButlersWebs.com www.butlerwebs.com/okes/parents.htm
“A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
When You Thought I Wasn't Looking (by a child)
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust God.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give your time & money to help people who had nothing & I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me good night and I felt loved and safe.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of everything we are given.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good & I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
• When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, “Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.”
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
As seen on The View Graham Haley & Dr. Carolyn Dean
Spit-up or vomit stains:
Moisten 1st, then spread meat tenderizer (not seasoned) on spot and let sit for 10-15 minutes, then launder.
Tupperware: Spray your Tupperware with non-stick cooking spray before pouring
tomato based sauces in them, there won’t be any stains.
Skin Rash: Place 1/2 cup oatmeal into a washcloth and put a rubber band around it. Get
washcloth wet and squeeze until oatmeal liquid pours out. Rub all over rash. Oatmeal contains fatty acids which act as an anti-inflammatory.
A Parents Place
This month there’s 3 AH HA moments to share.
Kristin Debaldo, Oregon
One thing that always comes to mind when I think about Nurturing Connections moms’ group is that when I am there, I am always so comforted to know that I am not alone in the challenge to raise my kids. Parenting is hard but very rewarding, and you, Sharon, make it a lot easier with the depth of experience and advice you have to offer.
Offering choices has proven to be very helpful and both of our kids respond equally well to the choices we offer. I do have one funny story of how Quinn, our five year old now offers choices to his 2 year old brother Dylan. One day Quinn was riding Dylan's tricycle. Dylan wanted his tricycle back and Quinn said, "Dylan, would you like to sit in back, or should I?" Apparently Quinn is also a fan of choices!!
Carol Kightlinger, Colorado
This is the "AH-HA" I had one night in your class. We were talking about anger and how necessary it is to express it but how “it gets in the way” during the heat of battle. Then you said something like this “As long as you’re expressing your anger in the moment with yelling, you take away Benjamin's opportunity to learn from the situation-he is too focused on your anger” That was a life changing moment in my parenting. I want my son's to learn from their blunders or “bummers” and if I fly off the handle it becomes about me not about them. Viola' my ah-ha moment!
Tammie Sawicki, Colorado
My parenting journey has been a blast, in part due to Sharon Silver. I have been to other parenting seminars and classes and have gotten the most from what she has to say.
Some of parenting techniques that have worked best for me are the uh- oh song and understanding the developmental stages of my daughter. The uh-oh song was a break through for me because it gave me something to say rather than yell. And it worked --the action I wanted to stop--did! She responded very well to this technique.
Having consequences do the teaching rather than me preaching to my daughter is a great tool. Not easy to do on a daily basis, but worth the results in the end. My greatest parenting challenge is to have patience with my daughter and help her through situations, rather than quickly fixing what is wrong and moving on. I appreciate all the knowledge Sharon has and how she presents it to parents. She is truly missed on our community!
That’s it for this month. Don’t forget that all the workshops, groups and privates sessions are
up and running again. Check the Calendar of Events and come join us for tools that can
make family life easier and less stressful! See you next month. SS
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