February 2005
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #14
What’s New?
Welcome back after the long holiday break. I hope yours was filled with lots of love.
We traveled to see family for Christmas. It was a very enlightening experience for me. This was the first year we invited new friends into our ritual. There were many people we were unfamiliar with and everyone was on their best behavior. It takes a great deal of discipline to be on your “Best Behavior”.
Why do I share this? Well, I gave the term “Best Behavior” a lot of thought over the holidays.
What does it mean to be on your “Best Behavior”? Who’s criteria of “Best Behavior” do you use? Mom/Dad’s or Grandma/Grandpa’s or our perception of what a guest expects?
What if they are all different?
How do you know that just because you ask our child(ren) to be on their “Best Behavior” that their understanding matches yours?
Have you taught your child(ren) what your idea of “Best Behavior” is? Or are you using your admonishment as your way to teach them that this is NOT the behavior you had in mind?
And do you use the same type of admonishment to correct all types misbehavior?
Do you handle “I don’t want to!”, which is lack of cooperation, the same way you handle lying about computer time, which requires what ever the consequence is in your house?
If we want our children to behave we need to use the kind of methods that fit the situation, not catch-all approaches.
Here are someways to start.
1. Role play.
For role-play use “play” scenarios of the situation that may be coming up for your child or a situation that’s hard for them to deal with. Introduce the situation by using the puppets and having the puppets act out several different possibilities that the child may encounter. Involve them and ask them for ideas of how to solve this. You can insert your ideas too, which tells them how you’d like them to react in that situation. You can do this with holidays and expected behavior, how to be a good sport when playing a game, how to behave in school, how to accept and manage a Dr.’s appointments or a play date.
When you teach something through play like this it’s more easily accepted by the child, and opens up a dialog for further conversation to happen. Older children appreciate being able to “rehearse” and get comfortable by using this method too. After a role play session your child will know what “Best behavior” means to you and will be more prepared or comfortable in a situation.
2. Learn words and methods that actually use the level of language that allows a child to really hear you—that would be preschool level words, and every seminar ProActive Parenting produces is full of them! is full of them!
Using words and actions at the preschool level allows the child to really hear you and truly digest the information you’re sharing. Beacause they really hear you they aren’t as emotional. They can now give you the behavior you’re asking for.
Join us for a live seminar and learn how to speak at the preschool level so you can cut through all the big emotions and developmental phases preschoolers are going through.
How to T-a-l-k to Avoid Bringing Out The S.W.A.T. Team
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
I was reading about how the police use negotiators in critical situations before the S.W.A.T. team strikes. The point of the article was that in life-threatening situations a talker goes in to see if the problem can be solved through negotiation rather than getting out the big guns and blowing the person off the face of the earth. Aha, I said to myself. That approach applies to parenting as well! If we all used talk instead of “S.W.A.T.” with our children, the world would be a different place!
Parents, of course, don’t face situations where they must blow their children off the face of the earth in order to save the population at large. However, they do often use painful adult force big-guns that would be unnecessary if they believed in talk. Once they understand the power of negotiation, of a “problem solving approach”, they can ban big guns forever.
I am not suggesting that parents don’t need back up. They do. But they have it automatically. Their back up is the power that comes from superior intelligence, greater experience, as well as their size and strength. They can choose to use that power for the child rather than on the child.
How can you use “Talk”? Think of the term R-E-R-U-N: =Reflect, Explain, Reason,
Understand, Negotiate---all words that involve talking.
• REFLECT: Let your child know that his or her feelings are received and accepted by you. Reflect
them back with such words as, “I see how unhappy you are” or “I can tell you are very angry.”
• EXPLAIN: Help the child understand the situation. “I can’t let you run in the street.”
• REASON: Give the reason for your prohibition. “You might get hurt.”
• UNDERSTAND: Tune into feelings-both yours and the child’s. Really understand the situation
from both points of view. You don’t have to say anything out loud at this point, just be sure you
have clarity. You might have to talk to yourself to get it.
• NEGOTIATE: Now is the time for problem solving. If the child is old enough to talk, you
can discuss the problem and together find a mutually satisfying solution. If the child is too
young to talk it out, try giving the child some alternatives. “You can stay up here on the porch,
or you can play in the back yard.” I don’t mean you should talk every situation to death.
Notice the few words used in the R-E-R-U-N sequence above. The negotiations are the only part that need more than a brief phrase. With an older child the negotiation can get lengthy, but don’t let it become a game. Keep your understanding of the true situation.
When negotiations are breaking down, return to the beginning and go through the first four (R-E-R-U) parts again. You may have to R-E-R-U-N several times before the problem is solved. Be patient.
This all sounds fairly simple, but it isn’t easy. We’re too used to reaching into the old hip holster when the going gets tough. You need both practice and patience to replace S.W.A.T. with R-E-R-U-N, but the outcome is worth the effort it takes.
Books I recommend
The Mom Book By: Stacy M. DeBroff
Excerpt: Starting Your Child on Chores
Chores for Toddlers
• When getting started, keep tasks for your child simple. Directions like, “Clean up this mess” or “ Put the toys away” will most likely overwhelm a young child. Help the process by breaking down the job into smaller tasks, like “Gather clothes from the floor and put them into the hamper,” and your child will be less likely to panic and refuse.
• Take advantage of a toddler who loves to be by your side, have him help with chores.
• Make a helper’s bucket with a feather duster, wipes, small broom and apron.
• Make his bed
• Throw clothes in the washer
• Fold towels, dishtowels, wash clothes or underwear
• Match socks
• Put dirty clothes in the laundry basket
• Put clean, folded laundry in the drawers
• Separate laundry by colors for washing
This book is huge and has everything a mom needs to make it through daily life!
Momilies: As My Mother Used to Say By: Michele Slung
I Mean Business
• I don’t care if The President himself is tap dancing on TV, turn it off and come to
dinner this minute.
• As long as you live under my roof, you’ll do as I say.
• I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.
• That’s not a request–it’s an order.
• Don’t ask me why. The answer is no.
• You don’t have to like me buster-I’m you mother.
• This is not a hotel.
• Don’t treat me like a kid—I’m your mother.
• And don’t come into my bedroom unless you’re bleeding.
I hope you can see by this month’s newsletter that changes in behavior can only occur when a parent is willing to make some changes to their behavior first, and then it works like a charm! See you at the seminars! SS
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