A Recession Busting Tool

Everyone reading this knows that Boundaries are part of the ProActive approach. They set limits so all family members know what's okay and not okay. Creating boundaries does the work before anything happens and creates systems that support family functionality. These days the financial system and the family system are not dissimilar. That's why I, Howard Silver, Sharon's DH and partner, am writing this piece.

You may have met me over the years; I was the guy getting you registered. Being part of ProActive Parenting is not the only thing I do. I've been a mortgage loan officer for many years off and on, and I have re-entered the industry now that there are firm regulations and transparency in place, with a company that truly serves the people, honestly!  Why have I been in and out of the industry you may ask?

Well, as we have seen over the last few months the mortgage industry has gone from an unregulated frenzy to a subprime meltdown. Lack of integrity and boundaries ruled the roost and now we see the results.

However, with the recession and the mortgage mess families still need help to save their homes, they need to refinance, especially now as the new regulations and funding is coming out of Washington. The problem is most families have no idea who to trust. If they refinance will they be dealing with someone who helped create the housing mess or will they be fortunate enough to be dealing with someone who is honest and has integrity?

I left the industry because the honest approach that I was always taught to use was being over taken by, "tell them what they want to hear and deal with it later." I was a fish out of water. Now I have found a company that honors honesty and integrity and is willing to put their reputation where their mouth is. They have created a system that is on line in full view of the client so each family can see what is happening with their loan any time day or night–in my opinion it's about time!

Here are a few other amazing things this company will do for you.
    Approvals come in as little as 3 hours
    Loans are closing in as fast as 15 days.
    L&G Mortgagebanc, the company I work for, is currently licensed to do business in the following states:
    Arizona, California, New Mexico, Texas, and Nevada. Oregon and Washington will be licensed soon.

The bottom line is, I now feel like I can again do business and not be punished by the system for playing it straight with my clients. If you are looking to refinance, stop a foreclosure, or know someone who is, I hope you'll consider contacting me. Please know from your experiences with Sharon and ProActive Parenting that you can trust me and that I will always be honorable and treat you like a member of our family. My goal, just like Sharon, is to help families.

If you need to refinance or are buying property, it would be my honor to help you navigate the mortgage loan process. Please call me on my cell phone: 503-358-7948 or email me at: howard@lgmortgagebanc.com

**You may be wondering why I am using the newsletter to announce my association with this new company. It's because we want to Help Bust the Recession by offering all of you the same chance. If you have a business or service that you would like the ProActive Parenting Moms and Dads, worldwide, on our list, to know about, send me an email with 2 or 3 paragraphs about your service or product and we will list you in a future newsletter.

THIS IS A FREE SERVICE to help bust the recession at a grassroots level.
We want to help as many as possible in these rough times.

My Monthly Rant

Over the Top Crying

Everyone knows parental love comes in two forms the easy part and the hard part. And every parent knows when they enforce boundaries or say no, the hard part of love, their child can fall into over-the-top-crying. This piece addresses the over-the-top-crying and how to handle it without sacrificing love, rules or boundaries.

I'm not going to lie here.

• This type of crying is over the top.
• To an adult this is ridiculous and goes on for way too long.
• This crying can make a parent want to stop it right now, no matter what.

The first thing to know is your feelings about the intense crying are coming from your adult point of view, not your child's point of view.

Why is that important? Because you're trying to stop a child's crying, not an adults! Your point of view and reaction comes from a fully formed brain that can reason, rationalize and put things in perspective. Your reaction does not come from the brain of a 2, 3, 4 yr old that is still forming.

Most parents make a crucial mistake when parenting children at this age. They see a walking, talking almost potty-trained child and assume the child's thinking ability is just like yours, when its not!

Here is a scenario involving two children showing you why a child falls into over-the-top-crying when told no or a boundary is set.

Imagine this scenario.

Two children are playing in the back yard, one is 2 and the other is 3 or 4. Both are using your hand shovels and are digging a hole. You see what they're doing and you begin yelling and lecturing about how these tools are not theirs to play with.

They both begin crying, and soon the crying has morphed into the over-the-top-crying.
The two year old is coming from a very different place than the three or four yr. old, let me explain.

Most parents think the only reason the two yr old is crying is because she didn't get what she wanted, that's true but she's dealing with more than that and that's what sends her over the edge.

• She's dealing with a new situation– "I love to dig and use tools like mom does!"
• She's dealing with your reaction–"Why is she yelling she uses this tool too?"
• She's dealing with feelings–"I just want to be big, I hate screaming, I get scared."  
• She's trying to be good–"I want to listen but don't know what to use instead."
  

The three yr old is crying for a completely different reason.
The older child has a better handle on her feelings, she isn't as overwhelmed as the toddler but still she falls into the over-the-top-crying. You get annoyed with the older child because you think she's acting like a baby, and trying to manipulate you.

• She isn't trying to manipulate you; she's trying to motivate you to return to the way things have always been, where the louder I cry, or the bigger the fuss, the sooner my parents cave in.
• This isn't conscious act, it's her honest reaction based on her experience of life so far. Her experience shows her when I cry mom and dad get so annoyed they back down and give me what I want.
•  If this was manipulation she would have thought about this ahead of time, and her thinking just isn't that advanced. A five or six yr old may have that capacity, but not a younger child.

It's a subtle but important difference and parents should take this subtle difference into account.

What can be done?

• Realize and remember just how young your child's thinking is from 1-4.
• Find a way to control your reactions so you don't contribute to the over-the-top-crying or cave in. 
• Key point: you need to be silent for 10 seconds to 1 minute as she begins the over-the-top-crying.

Going silent for 3-10 seconds will begin speaking louder than the crying does. It tells a child mom isn't doing what she's always done, yelling to get me to calm down. Silence creates support and teaches a boundary all at the same time.

However, if you just go silent without an explanation the first few times you do this there's a good chance your child will become more scared or feel abandoned. So what should you do?

• Go silent for a few seconds and then explain you'll talk when she calms down.
• Then go silent again.
• Most likely this will increase the crying as the two yr. old attempts to deal with this, and the three year old attempts to bring you back to what they consider normal. Then go silent again and explain only if needed.
• After a few experiences with this your child will realize this is the new normal.

Because of the intense development occurring during the toddler and preschool years there's always going to be over-the-top-crying. Now there's a way to handle it without sacrificing love, rules or boundaries. Just thought you'd want to know.

P.S. If you don't know how to apply any of this to your daily life, read the descriptions about the ProActive Parenting seminars, they're designed to share the application of the concepts I write about. 

Here are 7 things I think are cool finds from others websites

1. Ever wondered when to use a pillow for a little one, and which pillows to use. Look at momsminivan.com

2. Here's a site that has downloadable things for little ones to color. Letting them download from a site like this means they
    feel big cause they get to use the computer! Go to papajan.com.

3. Ever run out of stories with no time to go to the library or bookstore for a new one. Try lilfingers.com.

4. Try funology.com, just because it can be fun!

5. Do you have too many pictures up all over the house but don't want to get rid of any of them. Then Snapfish.com is for
    you. They will take your child's art and create a book out of them. Having raised my children, one of the best things I
    have is a box of each years worth of work and drawings they did. It makes me very happy to look at those things now
    that they are grown and gone.

6. With all the discussion about BPA and the greening of the planet you may want to get small stainless steel bottles for
     your wee ones. Try this link, www.evergreencanteen.com

7. If you have an infant with colic, you may have heard of an old recipe called Gripe water.
    Here is a site that sells it. Babysbliss.com.
_____________________

Mother's Encyclopedia–Written in 1951

     An interesting blast from the past that allows us to see how parenting was viewed 50+ years ago.

Crying in infants

Diversion:
At some regular period each afternoon he should be taken up and diverted for about 15 minutes. Lying on a comforter on the floor, or on a sofa, fenced in by a chair back, he may scrape up a smiling acquaintance with his family.  If this social period comes regularly he will learn to wait for it, and during the balance of his waking periods, provided he is comfortable, he will lie contentedly in his crib cooing and looking around. He will finger the comforter or handle a soft ball, learn to shake a rattle and become familiar with his daily surroundings.

I don't know about you or your babies, but mine would have cried and cried if I tried this!

See you next month