June 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #9
What’s New?
This is the time of year when I feel most like a schoolteacher. I’m looking forward to the summer break and yet it’s filled with so many exciting projects I don’t know where to begin. I’m sure most of you have plans like that as well. Or do you plan an old fashioned summer? It can be yours whether you’re a working parent or not. It seems in our rush to be on time, to drop the kids here and there, that we have forgotten the pure pleasure of doing nothing—or at least slowing it down for a few months.
My memory of summer as a child was filled with climbing trees, meeting the kids at the end of block, catching fireflies, ice cream trucks, and poison ivy or poison oak! Those memories are so strong for me that to this day if I smell fresh cut grass I’m transported back to being 11 and climbing the huge tree in our back yard to do some thinking and get away from it all.
Yes, I know it’s too dangerous to let kids wander off in most neighborhoods these days, but is there anything that can separate the summer months from the hustle bustle of the rest of the year?
And it’s not just for the kids either. I know that when I’m stressed during the year I begin to think of what book should be the first to be read on the deck when summer begins.
Think of what you can do to create a difference from the rest of the year. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, or a huge trip—just something that make summer different from the rest of the year.
to do some thinking and get away from it all. Enjoy! SS
We All Need A Few Excesses to Appreciate Moderation
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
I remember a time in my childhood when I experienced the ecstasy of excess. It was a rainy day after Christmas when I settled down in a comfy chair in front of a glowing fireplace, with a stack of new books at my feet. Their wrappings still sat neatly folded under the tree across the room. The rain poured down the window beside me. I started reading. I read my eyes out for three days, getting up only to eat, sleep, and put more wood on the fire. I can still feel great joy merely by bringing back that memory. I can also remember how I satisfied my hunger to read—at least for a time. After that three-day period, I quit using up so many batteries reading by flashlight under my covers every night.
Of course I forgot this experience when I became a mother. I carefully monitored my children's lives, being sure that excess didn't creep in—that is until the summer before my daughter went into high school. It was bedtime the night before the first day of vacation. I was just going into my usual evening tirade. I was a fanatic about my kids going to bed on time in those days. But my daughter was a fanatic too. She always wanted to stay up late. For years I had been spending my precious energy every night getting her to bed on time. We were locked in a huge power struggle. The harder I pushed, the more she resisted. I always won, but she put up a good fight. I dreaded bedtime! Well, here it was bedtime and I was about start in on her. Suddenly I was tired of the struggle. My feelings said, “Forget it!” Then my reason came in with it’s own bit of wisdom saying, “She doesn't have to get up early tomorrow—why push it?” next I found my mouth saying, “I'm tired of fighting you. Stay up as late as you want. I don't care when you go to bed any more.”
Well guess what happened. She stayed up all night.
When I got up in the morning, she was just brushing her teeth and putting on her pajamas. Now I had stayed up all night myself a few times as an adolescent, so I wasn't shocked. But as the days went on I came to realize that what was happening wasn't a usual adolescent pattern. This girl had quit being a diurnal animal—she had become nocturnal. She would begin to rouse herself about dinnertime. She'd wander out and lounge around until sunset, when she would begin to liven up. By my bedtime she was swinging into full action (quiet action—she knew the other members of the family needed their nightly rest and she was considerate of that fact). I'd get up in the morning and find the brownies she had baked, the plants she had repotted, the blouse she had sewed. She even did house cleaning.
This went on for most of the summer.
Then, as September approached, I started outlining family plans, trips, and activities to make the most of the last weeks of vacation. I mentioned casually that it would be hard for my daughter to participate because of her sleeping schedule. As instantly as it had started, it ended. She put herself to bed at nine-thirty the night before we left for Disneyland. I never again told her what time to go to bed. The struggle was over.
We had both let go of it. She made her own decisions about bedtime from then on, and they were good decisions. My theory is that there are times in children's lives that they need to do something very thoroughly. If they don't get to, it remains an issue. By doing something to the point of excess they “get it out of their systems.” I think that's true of adults too. Periodically we all need to experience the luxury of overdoing. Only then can we go back to worshiping the golden mean, which I've reworded as “Everything in moderation—even excess.”
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in 1951.
COURTESY
Is there any one trait which we can cultivate in our children that will pay greater dividends than instinctive courtesy? How welcome a well-mannered and considerate child is? How can we see that our children develop as we would like to have them in this respect? Of one thing we may be sure. We shall certainly never accomplish it by talking; by saying, “John, how rude!” or, “Now, Mary, you will be polite at the party won't you?” And it is helpful also to remember how children instinctively imitate our own responses, how large a factor is the contagion of courtesy, or discourtesy, in a child's environment. By Harriet Mason Hodge
Tip: I absolutely agree with teaching manners and courtesy to children.
The question I’m asked is “Why does my request for manners often end up as a power struggle or a big deal in public?” When we insist that young children, ages 2-4, use manners when speaking to an adult it becomes very apparent to a child that this issue is important to us.
Because it‘s important to us, a child may resist using manners as a way to be defiant during the power stages. (If your children are using manners and never use them as a way to resist you then, disregard the remainder of this tip.)
The best way to introduce manners to children at this age is to model their use of them ourselves and insist they use manners when it’s developmentally appropriate, or reduce the list of who you insist your preschooler use manners with. Maybe insist she use manners with only those who really expect full manners from such a little one, like grandma.
Thank you is the exception; preschoolers can all say thank you at early ages and should. However, insisting they say hello and shake hands with Mrs. Neighbor may create resistance during the hot developmental phases. Around the age of 4-6 kids are really interested in how they appear to others. This is quickest way to teach manners and social graces is to wait until a child shows an interest in manners and realizes how manners can pay off by making them look courteous and polite. They’ll enjoy the compliments they get from their use of manners and most use them without any problems.
To Parents From Their Children By Mildred Neville www.cgcreations.org/poems.toparents
DON'T SPOIL ME
I know quite well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE FIRM WITH ME
I prefer it. It makes me feel more secure.
DON'T LET ME FORM BAD HABITS
I have to rely on you to detect them in early stages.
DON'T MAKE ME FEEL SMALLER THAN I AM
It makes me act stupidly…big”.
DON'T CORRECT ME IN FRONT OF PEOPLE IF YOU CAN HELP IT
I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private,
DON'T MAKE ME FEEL THAT MY MISTAKES ARE SINS
It upsets my sense of values.
DON'T BE TOO UPSET WHEN I SAY “I HATE YOU”
It isn't you that I hate but your power to thwart me.
DON'T PROTECT ME FROM CONSEQUENCES
I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH NOTICE OF MY SMALL AILMENTS
I am quite capable of trading on them.
DON'T FORGET HOW QUICKLY I AM GROWING UP
It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.
DON'T MAKE RASH PROMISES
Remember I feel badly let down when promises are broken.
DON'T FORGET THAT I CAN'T EXPLAIN MYSELF WELL AS I WOULD LIKE
This is why I am not always accurate.
DON'T TAX MY HONESTY TOO MUCH
I’m easily frightened into lying.
DON'T BE INCONSISTENT
That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
DON’T PUT ME OFF WHEN I ASK SILLY QUESTIONS
If you do you will find that I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.
DON'T TELL ME MY FEARS ARE SILLY
They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
DON'T EVER SUGGEST THAT YOU ARE PERFECT OR INFALLABLE
It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
DON'T EVER THINK THAT IT IS BENEATH YOUR DIGNITY TO APOLOGIZE TO ME
An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.
DON'T FORGET THAT I LOVE EXPERIMENTALLY
I couldn't get on without it, so please put up with it.
DON'T NAG
If you do I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
DON'T FORGET THAT I CAN'T THRIVE WITHOUT LOTS OF UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE.
The following 2 poems are for those who are graduating and the empty nest they leave behind!
A Poem By: Tracy Donovan
There's something a little intimidating about facing the unknown and making a new beginning in life… The past can be so comforting, filled with people and places we know and love…
It can be hard to leave it behind and go on in a new direction… But I just know you're going to make it, and I want you to remember that I'll always be happy to give you reassurance when you need it, and to remind you, if you should forget, that many people care for you.
Welcome Me, Adulthood By: Christina Cooper
Welcome me, Adulthood, I have ventured through childhood with all the wonders and dangers in it. I have placed my childhood fantasies aside, and picked up hopes of becoming who I want to be. Embrace me knowledge, I am ready to know more and add to what I know already. I have conquered my fear of the night, now I only fear of becoming nothing. I have stopped pretending to be what I thought I was going to be, and realized that I am only what I make of myself. I have come down from the land of make-believe, and I have found the strength to believe in me. So when I come upon you, open your arms, and welcome me to Adulthood.
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
As seen on The View Graham Haley & Dr. Carolyn Dean
Poison Ivy: As a child I had 7 yr poison ivy and 7 yr poison oak, 14 years of this stuff, this is the only thing I found that helps at all!
Put plastic gloves on while you do this or you will spread it to yourself! Wash infected area with heavy soap, like a laundry detergent as soon as possible. This will lift the poison ivy oil and stop it (hopefully) from spreading. Take all clothes off child and throw away! The oil lives a long time and spreads to other clothes, trust me! Make a paste of 1 tbs baking soda and 1 tsp water and apply it to infected area. The paste seals off infected area and stops it from spreading and helps to slow down the itch. Lots of cool baths using oatmeal as soap feels great. Take some Oats and put it in a washcloth, put a clean rubber band around it and soak. Squeeze washcloth until oatmeal liquid oozes out. This is great for all rashes and newborn babies.
Sunburn: Rub a slice of raw tomato on a minor sunburn and it will turn into a tan. The tomato contains Lucopene, a skin protective agent.
Insect sting: Apply honey to sting or bite. The honey will seal the area and has an enzyme that will break down the inflammation.
A Parents Place This is a great story!
A Lesson Learned By: Kristin DeBaldo
I had a interesting experience recently with my children and wanted to share the very simple lesson I found amidst the moments of repeat- ed frustration. I have two boys, ages 2 and 5. The 2 year old tends to be fairly mellow, happy-go-lucky and does a great job of entertaining himself. The 5 year old is equally delightful although much more intense in both intellect and emotion.
One day while sneaking away from the children for a moment to read my e-mail, I was loudly interrupted by my 5 year old who was running up the stairs yelling for me to come immediately because his younger brother had just written in marker on the pillar downstairs. The above mentioned pillar mind you, is centered between the entryway, the great room, and the dining area of the kitchen - obviously not a place where said “writing” could be easily camouflaged. I immediately joined the furor and rushed downstairs with my 5 year old racing behind me with the supposed guilty weapon in hand – fortunately a water-color Crayola marker.
Without so much as taking a moment to breath, I automatically sent my 2 year old to his room and explained to him that writing on the walls was unacceptable. I then rushed to the rag drawer and went to wiping off the “artwork.” Needless to say, I was greatly relieved when I discovered that for the most part, I was able to scrub it all away.
About a week later, the identical scenario played out. My reaction the second time, however, was to take a breath and then in my best “ProActive Parenting behavior”, to calmly remark to the 2 year old (albeit while biting the inside of my mouth), “Uh oh, looks like you have some cleaning up to do,” while I handed him a wet rag and showed him how to clean up his mess.
Unfortunately, the above scenario played out several more times until one day, the offending implement was no longer so tame!! This time, my 5 year old came running up the stairs calling for me with a BLACK PERMANENT MARKER in hand. As I came running down the stairs with the 5 year old right beside me, I could feel my blood pressure rising and I shared a few short words with the 2 year old as I surveyed the awful damage.
He had managed to write on EVERY side of that pillar in the brilliant black PERMANENT MARKER. I was beside myself when I raced over to where the rest of the permanent markers were stored in a drawer in our kitchen island. As I opened the drawer to grab the other markers, I suddenly realized that said 2 year old could not even reach those markers without pulling up a chair.
Never mind that he had no concept of what a permanent marker was or that they were stored there. So… I suddenly had a light bulb moment – yes, I know I was really slow on the uptake, – and realized that my 5 year old was actually the felon here.
After finally getting his confession, it occurred to me that perhaps he had been guilty every time there had been writing on the wall. Yes, once again, I was really having a hard time seeing the “writing on the wall!” Once he was able to confess to all the “crimes,” I told him that I was really perplexed and that I would have to think about how he could make it up to his father and me for the damage he had done.
While he was in his room, I called a fellow parent from my Nurturing Connections moms group to get her advice. Just talking to her helped me to calm down a bit, but I came away feeling like I still didn’t have a logical consequence that was appropriate enough. After all, there were several layers to be dealt with here. First, he had lied REPEATEDLY. Second, not only had he lied, but he had knowingly placed the blame, and therefore the wrath of mom, on his little brother. And third, he had decorated the pillar with PERMANENT black marker.
After some quiet reflection of my own, I finally asked my “felon” why he had done all this. And in his response, I found the gift of the answer I had been desperately searching for. He told me he did it because he liked it when his brother had to go to his room so that he could have mom to himself for some “special time.” Oh my! All this supposed felon wanted was some tender loving care all to himself.
It was a center-stage, all-cameras-on-you, light-bulb moment for me and I don’t think I will ever forget the lesson learned, especially since it was written for me in “permanent marker.” If I had only considered first who my kids are, I certainly would have saved myself from so many frantic trips down those stairs! PS – If you have an artist in the house who doesn’t discriminate when choosing his/her canvas, you must know that Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser sponges are miracle workers and yes, they even take permanent marker off of flat paint!!
Great story Kristen! You have really helped all the parents reading this. As most of you have heard me
say; “When a child creates a moment of misbehavior, take a breath and look at what’s behind the behavior, or look at what’s motivating the behavior. When you look at the misbehavior from that perspective, it makes it much easier to find a way to stop the misbehavior.”
When you find out what’s motivating the child, most parents are much less angry and can create a way to deal with the misbehavior without yelling.
The tools that help you decode a child’s misbehavior and the methods you would use to deal with that misbehavior are all the types of things you will find in everything presented by ProActive Parenting. Make a commitment to your family this summer and plan to join us next year for a seminar. See you in the fall! SS
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