Don’t You Dare Open the Birthday Girl’s Present!

It happens at most birthday parties; a child tries to “help” the birthday girl unwrap her presents. The other moms shoot dirty looks at the non-birthday girl’s mom, which forces her to spring into action. Mom admonishes her child as she tries to move her away from the gifts and the glaring looks. The non-birthday girl resists which causes mom to get even more intense. Finally, since nothing else is working, mom picks up her screaming child and takes her out of the room to make her stop. There are two big questions here.

1. Is a portion of this scenario created by the glaring looks of others?
2. Is there another way to handle this situation so the non-birthday girl would stop “helping” yet still teach her what to do instead? Yes to both questions.

•  Timing is the first key. Knowing when to use this tip is the most important part of the process

If you over-use it the non-birthday girl may translate it as nagging and will ignore you.
If you only use this tip once and walk away thinking that’s all there is to it, it won’t work either.            
Just like everything in parenting, this requires parents to stay close by and teach.
Parents need to begin just as they feel themselves getting annoyed with their child’s behavior.
Waiting too long can cause you to use an angry tone of voice and the child won’t see this as instructive and supportive and will most likely ignore you.

Watch your child and get to her as soon as you see her eyeing the gifts—not afterwards.
This is a ProActive technique. Most parents deal with things after they’ve happened, here I’m  recommending that you deal with things before they get going. 

• Supporting not correcting is the second key and really does cause better listening

But I want to correct my child not support her when she exhibits misbehavior. The beauty of this tip is the correction is hidden in the support. There’s no way your child can miss what you’re asking her to do. She experiences this as praise and everyone loves to be praised for good behavior. The praise is filled with information and is used instead of a correction. Better behavior follows because the child is listening, which is vastly different than the normal yelling and punishment used in situations like this.

• Repetition is the third key

Like so many things during the toddler and preschool years teaching a little one requires repetition.
A young child’s brain can only absorb so much information while being corrected. Parents need to remember that teaching a young child requires repeating the instructions more than once. Normal is at least 3-10 times in the first few minutes. This allows her to hear you, see how serious you are, think about it and apply it to the situation, and understand there’s no wiggle room. It takes more than one repetition.

• Acting Proactively is the fourth key

Instead of saying, “get away from the gifts!” as she’s ripping off the wrapping paper—become proactive. Watch her and just as she’s eyeing the gifts walk up and whisper, “It’s hard not to help, that’s some good waiting you’re doing, good job!” Since there’s no yelling, punishing or removing her from the party she’ll actually listen. However, she will unconsciously test what you’ve just said by doing it again. Look closely to see your next opportunity. As she moves in to “help” again she’ll glance up to see your reaction. Walk up and whisper the statement again. Do this several times. When all of this is fully understood switch from words to a thumbs up signal. This works so much better than yelling in public and everyone gets to have a good time at the party! This also works in other situations too. It works when she’s waiting in line, when she’s waiting for a turn, waiting for your attention, or when she’s waiting to get in the car as you load the baby or groceries. The more you use this tip the more ideas you’ll come up with.

News at ProActive Parenting

1. The newsletter will stop for the months of July and August and start up again in the fall.

2. I’ve recently joined Facebook and Twitter. Come and join the party.

I’ve decided to use Twitter in a slightly different way. I’ll post a question 5 days a week and you can respond or ask another question. If you run out of space you can continue the post on my Facebook page.
My twitter address is: sharonsilver13.
My Facebook address is: profile.to/sharonsilver

3.  An amazing review:
A site called Parent Reviews from Australia recently reviewed us and gave us a most glowing review. Read it here: http://parentreviewers.com/featured/proactive-parenting-seminars-on-demand-giveaway/.  Thank you Su Chin!!

4.  MomTV:
A brand new site called MomTV approached me this month and asked me to do a weekly on-line “TV show”. I put “TV show” in quotes because this is a new way of doing things. It’s similar to BlogTalk radio but I’m on camera. There will be 3-5 moms live on camera with me the rest of the moms can stay in their pj's and type their questions into the chat room.

My first show is June 24th at 10 am PST and I need your support.

Please go to MomTV.com and you will find my show Nurturing Connections Moms Group. Then about 10 minutes before the show log in and join the chat room. I will open the show, you won't be on camera unless you don't want to be, you can simply type in your questions in the chat room as the show goes on.

If you want to be on camera with me send me an email and I will have the moderator contact you and set it up.
They will be judging the success of the show by how many people join the show. I would be very grateful if you would show up so I'm not alone!!

Those of you in Portland will really appreciate this, it’s call Nurturing Connections Mom’s Group! So grab a cup of coffee every Wednesday at 10 PST. Go to: www.momtv.com

Mother's Encyclpedia:    Compiled by the Editors of Parent's Magazine Printed in 1951

Sun Baths:
"Nowadays every intelligent mother knows that babies and growing children need sunlight, while in vogue for tanned skins among old and young has shortened bathing suits to the vanishing point and created the vastest congregation of sun worshipers ever known to history-the truth is the sun is strong medicine, in some respects one of the most potent in all the armamentarium (I had to look this one up and it meant just what I thought it meant. “The aggregate of equipment, methods, and techniques available to one for carrying out one’s duties: The Stethoscope is still an essential part of the physicians armamentarium”) of the doctor, and the dosage should be regulated with just as much regard for the possibilities of harm as when taking any other strong medicine."

I recently read an article where a dermatologist stated that you should be buying sun block and NOT sunscreen.

From A Parent's Perspective by Janet Gonzales-Mena

Avoid Jumping to Conclusions with Kids; Ask More Questions, Be more Observant
Since it’s summer time and you will be spending a lot more time with the kids I thought this article was appropriate.

I learned to reads words in elementary school. I am still learning to read people—especially children. Even after years of practice I make mistakes. One time I made a big one. Here’s the story.

Timmy, my ten year old, and I took a bus ride home from Redding. When we climbed aboard at the Greyhound station we were prepared for the long ride down the Central Valley. We had plenty of snacks and drinks, books to read, games to play. Timmy took the window seat and immediately settled himself into position. He sat chin in hand, elbow on armrest, head against window. His Giants hat was pulled down so I couldn’t see his eyes.

At first I tried to engage him in conversation. He mumbled answers to my questions without looking at me. I suggested a game he declined. I shoved a book under his nose. He shook his head. He just stayed in that same position starring out of the window as the bus ate up the miles. So finally I settled down with my own book. I thought he was a sleep, when I checked him a half hour later. I leaned over to look under the bill of his Giants cap and discovered his eyes were open and staring out the window. He didn’t seem to notice I was checking him. Well, he’ll go to sleep soon I assured myself.
He didn’t.

“Are you sick?” I asked after an hour had passed and he was starring out the window.
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” I persisted.
“Nothing.” He sounded vague and distant.
Through out most of the trip he stayed in the same position eyes staring, mouth silent. He only came to when we stopped to pick up passengers or I broke open a snack. But right after that distraction he’d go back to staring out the window again.
“Depression!” I diagnosed. Once I made the diagnosis I spent the rest of the trip carrying on an inner dialog with myself about how to deal with this awful fact.

I felt sick by the time the long trip ended. As I climbed into the front seat of my neighbor’s car for the trip home from the bus station I found myself babbling mindlessly to her about nothing. I was vague and only slightly coherent.
On the other hand Timmy in the back seat with his friend was very coherent. The excitement in his words caught my attention. I turned to look at him, his whole body was animated. The words fairly leaped out of his mouth. “What a trip, Paul! I saw the freshest cars! I saw an A.C. Cobra, a Ferrari Dyno, a ’63 Corvette Sting Ray, two brand new Corvettes, A Rolls, and a limo!”

There was nothing wrong with this child now. As I listened I began to get a different picture of the trip. As he explained it to me patiently later that evening, “It’s a game, Mom…you see a car and you say ‘mine!’ at the end the one who ‘owns’ the best cars wins.” Timmy had been adding cars to his collection throughout the long bus ride.
“You could have told me what you were doing,” I complained.
“You never asked” was his quick response.

He was right. I was so stuck in my own perspective I couldn’t see his. I could only wonder what was wrong. I never thought of asking the simple question, “What are you doing?” Did I learn my lesson? Who knows? I already knew parents should be sensitive to their children. They should be wary about jumping to conclusions when reading their children’s behavior. I knew all that, but forgot. I’m human.

Things I think are cool

1.  www.starkidsproducts.com
They’ve created trays for strollers and car seats made of impact collapsing foam.

2.  Medbasics.com
This little lifesaving book goes everywhere with you, clips onto a stroller or stays at home with a babysitter. It tells you what to do in common emergencies and allows you to relax instead remaining in a state of constant worrying.

3. When summer is almost over most of us wonder what in the world we did for the last 3 months. This year try creating a memory journal of what you did this summer.

Go to the office store and get a small pouch that zips, a small notebook and a throw away camera.

Let your child take pictures, this keeps them busy. You keep all the ticket stubs from movies, water parks and fun things you do this summer. Then the last week or so of summer have the kids get back in school mode by creating a small summer journal. Have the older ones who can write add a sentence or two under each fun thing you did. This not only helps the kids re-engage their brains before school starts, it also creates a life long record of the fun you had in 2009.

Don’t forget for all of you who have children entering Kindergarten to go to my website and click, All We Offer, then click ProActive Store, and get your copy of “Let’s Get Ready for Kindergarten” and tell your friends too!

4.  So you’re prepared for life’s little bumps, bruises and small emergencies, create an everyday road trip box.

This is something that lives in your car and helps keep you prepared for all the things that happen with little people, whether you’re on the way to the mountains, the beach or the grocery store.

Get a small plastic tub and put band-aids, wipes, diapers, paper towels, zip lock bags, garbage bags- they make great instant raincoats, extra socks, shoes, an extra outfit, snacks, juice boxes and a blanket. I remember one trip to the ocean where Taller was hit by a wave. He wasn’t upset by the fact that he’d been hit by the wave, he was upset that there was nothing for him to change in to. I learned my lesson that day.

Remember there will be no newsletter in July or August, we’ll return in September.
Have a great summer!