March 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #6
What’s New?
This week the most fragile of all spring flowers has begun to emerge sending me the first signs of spring. Each year this new beginning empowers me. I start looking for ways to make some positive changes in my life and in our family. Big changes have already begun for ProActive Parenting too. Stay tuned for news soon. Due to all the big changes, I’m bailing on writing a bunch in this section for this newsletter. This is me being proactive with my emotional health and trying not to do one more thing.
Hope you all understand.
This month’s newsletter is all about empowerment. Janet Gonzales-Mena shares her struggles and triumphs regarding her own parental call buttons and why she was empowered to change those habits.
In this month’s selection of The Mother’s Encyclopedia they use some strange language to describe the empowerment of getting a driver’s license. We were a rather tight bunch of folks back in the early 50’s!
You’ll also find 3 poems this month.
Poem #1 always serves as a wonderful reminder to empower children and let go of the reins a bit every now and then, it’s the famous poem from The Prophet: On Parenting.
Poem #2 is a cute poem called: Kids Advice to Kids.
Poem #3 is an anonymous poem called Food for Thought.
Welcome to all of the new graduates from February!
When Kids Push Your Buttons —Try Changing Your Response.
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Everyone tells you that parents have to be consistent. It's easy to agree when you think in terms of doing what you say you'll do. But I always resist hard and fast rules. Maybe I just never did grow up, but whenever someone presents me with a rule, I present that person with an argument. Let me tell you my story so you'll understand why I believe in both consistency and inconsistency as parenting approaches.
I act like a regular person, but I'm not. I'm really a robot with a million little buttons located just under my skin in various positions all over my body. My children, at birth, began memorizing the position of each and every one of these buttons.
By two years of age, each knew exactly what it took to activate those buttons. If they had an IQ test to measure button-pushing abilities, my children would all fall in the genus range. I don’t mean to brag, but those little suckers were smart.
Button pushing works this way. The child performs some small behavior (which has been tried
previously and proved to be effective.) The parent responds in some completely predictable fashion, setting off a pattern that is extremely familiar to both child and parent—one they've both been through many times before.
Here is an example. My daughter at 13 could activate my buttons with a single word. I would say something I felt was important and I wanted her to think was important too. She would respond with a bored look on her face, “So...?” she'd say in a most disrespectful way. I always took her response to mean—“That's the stupidest thing I ever heard— what do I care anyway…” That little word, “so” would always result in a fight. I'd start by saying, through gritted teeth, that she never listened to me and that she didn't care about anything. She'd respond defensively and we'd be off and running until eventually we were both yelling awful accusations at each other, I don't think I ever failed to react in my predictable way. She could count on me to set this pattern in motion! I was consistent!
The secret to bypassing the pattern is to be inconsistent— to respond in a surprising way. Looking back on it, I see how I could have altered my response. I could have ignored her answer and changed the subject. I could have just walked away. I could have written her a note saying how I felt. I could have tried an assertive response. If I were really good at surprises, I could have laughed.
What I know now (yet continually forget) is that all it takes to break a pattern is to make some small change in your typical response. It's surprising how hard that is to do!
So I want to go on record as supporting consistency when appropriate, but cheering on those who learn to become real people instead of robots— those who refuse to respond predictably when their buttons are pushed! I'm not all the way there yet; I'm still part robot, but I at least see the possibilities of becoming fully human.
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in 1951.
Driving The Family Car:
The law permits children sixteen and over to operate automobiles. The schools are not equipped as yet to train drivers. In fact, that drivers ought to be trained at all seems to strike most people as a rather absurd notion. “Why,” they protest, “anybody can drive a car. They're getting easier to handle everyday…
Now youths do not tend to be sane and cautious. They are tempted to abuse the fire and get-up of the family bus. They dote on showing off; they like to cut a figure on the high-ways; they want to impress the other fellows, or give their affinity a big thrill.
The laws in most states, I believe, hold parents to some degree accountable for the behavior of driving minors. But a sense of that accountability seems not to trouble them very much until a son or daughter runs afoul of the police. *Don’t forget it’s 1951 Physical condition: If possible, before he drives his first mile, I shall have my boy carefully examined. I shall want to know in detail about his visual equipment, about his nervous stability, about his hearing, about his reflexes, about his observational ability, about his powers of attention. Tests for these facilities, as they apply to motoring, are being worked out in college laboratories. By Farnsworth Crowder
(Makes very little sense to me too, but that’s how it was written. We were very buttoned up back then, don’t you think!)
Parent Poems From ButlersWebs. www.butlerwebs.com/okes/parents.htm
The Prophet: On Parenting by: Kahlil Gibran
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And He said: Your children are not your children.
They are the son's and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the living bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees this mark upon the path of the infinite, And he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.
KIDS ADVICE TO KIDS Internet
“Never trust a dog to watch your food.” Patrick, age 10
“Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.” Michael, 14
“When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair”. Taylia, 10
“When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer.” Hannah, 9
“Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.” Andrew, 9
“Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.” Kyoyo, 9
“You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.” Armir, 9
“Don't wear polka-dot under-wear under white shorts.” Kellie, 11
“If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.” Naomi, 15
“Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.” Lauren, 9
“Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.” Joel, 10
“When you get bad grades in school, show your Mom when she's on the phone” Alyesha, 13
“Never try to baptize a cat.” Eileen, 8
Food for Thought: Success
Anonymous
Whatever your mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve. Dream great dreams and make them come true. Do it now. You are unique. In all history of the world there was never anyone else like you, and in all the infinity to come there will never be another you.
Never affirm self limitations, what you believe yourself to be, you are. To accomplish great things, you must not only act, but also dream, not only plan, but also believe if you have built castles in the air. Your work need not be lost — put foundations under them. Yes you can.
Believing is magic. You can always better your best. You don't know what you can do until you try. Nothing will come of nothing. If you don't go out on a limb, you're never going to get the fruit. There is no failure except in no longer trying. Hazy goals produce hazy results. Clearly define your goals. Write them down. Make a plan of achieving them, set a deadline, visualize the results and go after them. Just don't look back, unless you want to go that way.
For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up. Wishing will not bring success, but planning, persistence, action and a burning desire will. There is a gold mine within you from which you can extract all the necessary ingredients. Success is an attitude. Get yours. It is astonishing how short a time it takes for wonderful things to happen. Now, show us the colors of your rainbow.
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
As seen on The View Graham Haley & Dr. Carolyn Dean
Nausea/motion sickness:
Take a small piece of ginger (crystallized ginger from any health food store) and chew it. Kids think this tastes like spicy candy. Works really well for all stomach aliments for children and adults.
Egg Freshness:
To determine if an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Back Pain:
Mix 1 tbsp hand cream + 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper together. Rub into your back. The solution will deaden nerves and increase circulation. Cayenne pepper contains anti-inflammatory/anti-pain properties.
I hope you enjoyed reading the newsletter this month. See you next month. SS
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