March 2005
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #15
What’s New?
Many things are new in my life. If you’ve attended one of my seminars then you know that I refer to my sons as Tall and Taller.
As parents there’s something we don’t pay attention to very often that we all know will happen one day, and now it’s happened in our family. Taller has left the nest.
There are so many feelings. Before I tell you my feelings, you need to know where Taller has gone. My son, my brave son, is backpacking across Europe, alone! He has been gone for a month now and has had many wonderful experiences and many left to go, I’m sure!
Back to my feelings. When Taller first announced his plans to backpack around Europe I was very happy and proud, because I know I’m NOT that brave. Then I began to wonder, can he really do this alone and what would happen to him out there all by himself?
I began to descend into the stuff that Moms and Dads worry about with young adults. Then it dawned on me, look at your child; really look at who he is.
What kind of personality does he have?
How capable has he shown himself to be?
What’s his history and success with traveling?
Then I realized I was acting as if we’d never taught him anything at all! But I began to think, doubt and wonder, what had we taught them over the years, and had they listened?
When he was little and didn’t cooperate or would pick on his sibling, what did we do?
Did we give him all the information he needed, at his level of understanding as we were correcting him, so he knew what he needed to do to maintain a good relationship with someone he cares for?
Or did we just correct him over and over again for bad behavior?
At times when Tall or Taller would argue or heavily negotiate—it could turn into a huge battle.
Did I teach them how to respect an others person's point of view, even if it was very different from than their own? Were they taught to respectfully express even the most difficult emotions, including anger, in a way that doesn’t hurt feelings but works to resolve them?
Did we provide enough empathetic authority so they would be able to discipline themselves in the adult world? Would they be able to fend off peer pressure? Would they be able to make responsible decisions with no one there to monitor them?
Did I teach my children there are consequences to their actions? Did they really learn from those experiences? Are they able to understand “if I do this—then that will happen” have they had enough experience with cause and effect in their lives?
Did we do all we could for them?
I began to doubt myself, and then I realized two things. A mother is never satisfied and at the bottom of all of my doubt was the truth—I’m not ready to let him go yet!
Then my wise husband spoke up. He reminded me that we did the best we could with the tools we had at the time. And, it’s time for Taller to rely on himself; he’s just playing in a bigger playground now!
We heard from Taller today, he checks in every Sunday so we know he’s fine! He’s really fine, self esteem soaring and his traveling skills are very sharp. Today as he was at a flea market in Rome with friends, yes, Taller met some other travelers and is playing nicely well in the sandbox with them. Anyway, as he was walking in the market, he felt a zipper being unzipped and caught a gypsy woman with her hand in his bag! He righteously grabbed her hand and began yelling at her until help arrived.
I’d say he knows how to cooperate with others to resolve disagreements.
I’d say he knows how to take the appropriate amount of action to create an immediate consequence when needed. I’d say he is doing very well!
Truly, his success out in the world has very little to do with my husband and me as parents. We searched until we found the most respectful parenting methods we could find, and we used them! We did the hard work of enforcing discipline during the preschool years so he had a baseline of boundaries and we had firm parenting methods to work from as situation became emotionally more complicated. And we did it even when we didn’t want too, because we knew we were creating the foundation of a growing individual and we wanted the very best emotional soil we could provide for both of them to grow in. The bottom line is—it wasn’t what we did as parents; it was how HE translated his experiences that created his growth, security and success.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that I highlighted a few words as I told my story. Let me explain. As a parent I tried to learn as much as I could to make MY daily life more manageable. I was selfishly tired of yelling and being emotionally wasted at the end of the day! I figured if I could keep my brain working a little bit longer instead of reacting to everything they did I’d be a more successful mom.
As success arrived in our family from the use of these parenting tools, I became passionate about sharing them. My goal, my passion, is to pass to parents the most successful parenting tools I can find, that’s what ProActive Parenting is all about.
We've all experienced the moment when a child doesn’t cooperate, begins arguing, can’t control themselves, or isn’t learning from repeated timeouts, our adult world comes to a immediate halt. As busy professionals and stay-at-home-moms we have to organize our workload daily just to make life more manageable. Why not learn some new skills to make your family’s busy life more manageable too.
Parenting seminars are NOT just about problems. They provide ways for parents to more easily navigate every minute of every day with toddlers and preschoolers children ages 1-6.
Oh, and no matter how supportive I sound when I talk about Taller traveling the world, it still makes me cry and smile at the same time. He’ll be home soon, and I can’t wait!
See you at a seminar! SS
When Children Lie, We Should Help The Find The Truth
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Children sometimes say things that aren’t true. We all do. We tell a joke. We make up a story
for entertainment. We give an excuse. When we say things that aren’t true for a negative
reason, or to avoid blame, it is called a lie.
How can you keep children from lying? Here are some ideas about ways to look at lying and what to do about it. Children are learning about the power of words and their ability to manipulate reality. They sometimes engage in wishful thinking, which means that they believe saying something is true makes it true. So when they tell a lie, they may be more interested in changing reality than they are trying to deceive you. If you understand this characteristic of young minds you’ll deal with the situation less harshly than if you don’t.
Young children are still learning to distinguish what’s real from what’s not. We hamper this learning when we don’t separate fantasy from reality. So if we tell them that the tooth fairy put money under the pillow and pass it off as true, we can expect them to pass their fantasies off as true also. Fantasy isn’t bad for children. However, when children are trying to sort things out they may become frustrated with an adult who continues in fantasy under questioning. In addition children may well imitate that same approach as an explanation of how things happen.
Sometimes a lie is really a difference of perception. When two children are arguing, each may firmly believe his or her version of the story. It doesn’t help for an adult to step in and decide which is truth and which is lie. It is more useful for the adult to help the children sort it out themselves. The adult can encourage them to give each other feedback and invite them to explain their own perceptions to each other. This kind of situation provides excellent practice for problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills. Let children learn these skills young. Don’t decide for them what happened and who was right and who was wrong. You won’t have to deal with lies if you let them sort out their disagreements themselves without taking sides.
Here are three tips for dealing with a child who is telling something different from the truth you believe:
• Understand young children’s fuzzy line between fantasy and reality. They don’t perceive
the world in the same way an adult does. Gently help them sort out the truth.
• Be truthful to yourself. Honesty is taught best through modeling. If you say there is no
more dessert when the refrigerator is full of it, you are lying. If you model; that kind of
behavior, you must expect your child to engage in it as well.
• Don’t back children into a corner when you know they’ve done wrong or made a mistake.
Don’t ask, “Who did this?” If you already know. Most children will try to save face or escape
consequences by going off into fantasy land if invited to. The younger ones may not even
know that’s what they are doing.
In conclusion, a sensitive understanding approach is more effective than heavy-handed confrontation when dealing with children who depart from the truth. And who knows-maybe their reality is more valid than ours any-way!
Books I recommend
The Parents Little Book of Dos and Don’ts of Effective Parenting By: Jane Bluestein, Ph.D
Excerpt from: 9 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship w/ Your Child
- Love your child no matter what.
- When there is a conflict, attack the problem not your child. Watch for put-downs, criticisms and judgments. (There’s a big difference between ”These counters are dirty” and “You are such a slob!”)
- Give your child space to have his feelings, preferences and opinions, to be who he truly is. Accept your child and who he is unconditionally, even if his behavior is not acceptable.
- Follow through. Do what you say you’ll do. (You provide structure, security and predictability when you quit making excuses for your child, giving warnings or caving in on your boundaries.)
- Communicate your feelings responsibly: “I’m angry (and need a few minutes to cool off)” instead of “ You make me angry.” Avoid using your feelings to control.
This is an excellent source for what to do when you don’t know what to do. SS
Momilies – As My Mother Used to Say By: Michele Slung
Foodstuff
Think of all the starving children in China (India, Armenia etc.)
If you don’t clean your plate, you won’t get any dessert.
If you eat all your carrots, you’ll be able to see in the dark.
Eat your fish—it’s brain food.
All of the vitamins are in the skin.
The crust is the best part of the bread.
Eat the crust of your bread so your hair will get nice and curly.
When you are on a dinner date, never order chicken or spaghetti because there’s no way to eat either neatly.
Why do you want to order that out, when you can get it at home?
Don’t eat chocolate ice cream-it’s made from leftover vanilla.
Crabs and ice cream don’t mix.
I scream, you scream we all scream for ice cream.
Don’t eat milk with tuna fish- you’ll get hives.
If you eat too many dough-nuts, you’ll turn into one.
If you don’t eat your okra, you won’t catch any fish.
You can’t start the day on an empty stomach.
You can’t read and digest at the same time.
Thirty-seven chews to a bite.
Chew your bananas.
Drink tea only out of a china cup.
A good wife always has lemons in her refrigerator.
It’s a sin to put breadcrumbs on the fire.
If there’s enough, put a crust on it; if there isn’t make it into a soup.
The better the butter the better the batter.
Cold food gives you a belly-ache.
Don’t turn up your nose.
It all winds up in the same place.
I hope you enjoyed the newsletter this month. Remember, as my father used to say, this too shall pass. Those words will help you get through so much. Also remember, they really do grow up and leave home, and it will too soon for you when they do it— no matter how happy you are to have the opportunity to go back to living your life!
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