Mother’s Day Month May 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #8
What’s New?
What a month! So many new things have been created this month. The first new thing, as you’ve already seen, is the NEW web site. We needed to get bigger really fast and it looks great. I think the site looks great. Thanks to my wonderful husband for his creativity and hard work on this one. With this more powerful website we have some interesting things planned for the future, stay tuned.
Which brings me to a new way we’ve begun to describe the work we do. We had some very scary computer problems this month and realized we needed to upgraded the computer so it can continue to do all that we ask it to do. A new thought about parenting was born!
Think about it this way. We upgrade all of our computers to keep them working at the speed we need them to. Encoded in new upgrades are better ways for all components in the computer to speak to each other, creating better computer communication.
Parenting is the same thing.
When we upgrade our parenting skills we create better ways to communicate with our children. A parenting upgrade allows kids to respond to us and give us the better behavior we’re asking for without whining or a power struggle overload. Just a thought!
That’s what we’ve been up to this month.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of us. May you be blessed with a warm spring day for Mother’s Day filled with love and your babies, no matter what age they are!
Remember ProActive Parenting closes from July-September 15 2004. Our last newsletter is next month too. See you then. SS
Listening is an Important Communication Skill
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Eight-year-old Jessica comes into the family room, throws her backpack on the couch, and then flops down beside it moaning: “I hate that old teacher! She gave me a test that was Impossible, and when I couldn't do it I just wanted to die!”
Her mother, glaring at the backpack on the couch responds: “Oh come on now, don't be so dramatic. If you failed at a test it's your own fault for not studying hard enough. And don't you ever say you hate someone. That's not nice! Now get up and put that backpack where it belongs!” Jessica slouches off pouting leaving her backpack on the couch.
I wonder why it is so hard for parents to listen to their children's feelings. I know it's hard for, me. Like Jessica's mother I tend to cut off the conversation with criticism, orders, admonitions, and advice. I put my focus on formulating my own answers instead of really listening to my children's words or what is behind them.
Sometimes I don't even listen long enough to know what the problem is; I jump to conclusions. I'm not alone in this approach to coping with my children's feelings. I regularly observe other parents using the same approach. Perhaps our children's feelings are too painful for us, so we discount them. Perhaps we feel we must teach every minute, making a lesson out of each situation. Maybe, without thinking about it, we just respond to our children the way our parents responded to us.
Imagine the Jessica conversation as it might have been if her mother had been really listening. “I hate that old teacher,” says Jessica throwing the backpack. “Which teacher?” asks her mother ignoring both the word “hate” and the backpack. “My P.E. teacher…” answers Jessica. “You're really mad at her…” her mother puts the feelings into words. “Yes, she gave us this physical fitness test today and it was too hard.” Jessica looks as though she's about to cry. “You feel bad because you didn’t do well on the test.” “I sure do. I was the first one, and everyone was watching me but I just couldn't do it! Some of the kids laughed at me.” “It's awful to be laughed at,” her mother commiserates with her. “I think they were just nervous because they were going to have to do it too. But they didn't have to because the teacher discovered she was giving me the sixth grade test. No wonder I couldn't pass it—I'm not a sixth grader!” A tear rolls down her cheek. “Your teacher made a mistake and gave you the wrong test…” Her mother rewords the information. “Yeah, it was a pretty bad mistake.”
Jessica takes the tissue her mother offers. “I tried and tried but I just couldn't do it! I felt awful.” Jessica looks as though she is starting to feel better now. “I can imagine how you felt.” Her mother sounds sincere. Getting up abruptly from the couch Jessica ends the conversation with a big sniff and the words, “Well I gotta call Julie. I told her I'd call her when I got home.” Picking up her backpack Jessica runs off satisfied that she has been heard.
How different this conversation was from the original version! What a relief to be heard instead of criticized and ordered about. And the best part of all, really listening is an investment. When you really listen you teach your children an important communication skill, and one of these days, maybe when you most need it, you'll find the tables turned and they'll be really listening to you!
Look How Much We've Changed From 1951-Now
From: Mother's Encyclopedia Compiled by The Editors of Parent's Magazine. Printed in 1951.
Left-Handedness
In the organization of man there is a right and left side, but history and custom reveal the fact that they are neither equally regarded nor equally respected. Even the dictionary, say's, “The left side is ordinarily inferior in muscular strength, readiness and skill, and it's hand is less under control than the right hand for operations requiring delicate manipulation.”
So be it said, even though it is not always true. The child who is born left-handed is an exception and his actual physical state reserves much of life for him…to be a deviate from the great throng presents many problems…No wonder the left handed child is often considered dull, awkward and incapable. By Ira S. Wile, M.D. The language on this is amazing. It’s right out of the book, promise! I hope no one really believed this is 1951! SS
Positive Parenting Tips Parents Anonymous of Virginia
- I will spend time with each child.
- I will listen carefully to what they say.
- I will take time to enter their world, ask questions, know their friends, know what is important in their lives.
- I will tell them often what I like about them and the strengths I see.
- I will praise and appreciate them more than I criticize.
- I will not say things which attack their feelings of self-worth.
- I will go out of my way to do something special for my children.
- I will not take my own frustration out on my children.
- I will teach my child(ren) new things with patience.
- I will take the time to be a friend sometimes, rather than always correcting and directing.
- I will touch, hug, hold, and kiss my child(ren).
- I will say “I Love You” at least once a day.
- I will take time to teach my children moral values.
- I will set a good example myself.
You Know You're A Mother When…
By: Liane Kupferberg Carter From:www.fastq.com/~jbpratt/parenting/poemsforparents.
- You count the sprinkles on each kids cupcake to make sure they're equal.
- You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
- You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
- Your kid throws up at a party. You catch it.
- Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
- You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
- You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on plates
- without any touching.
- Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty ” out loud in Grand Central Station & you do it.
- You cling to high moral ground on toy weapons, your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
- You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
- You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
- You hate the thought of his wife even more.
- You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
- You can't bear to give away baby clothes-it's so final.
- You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say “NOT in your good clothes!”
- You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
- You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
- You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages,
- then spend half the night checking on the kids.
- You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
- You say every day, “I'm not cut out for this job”, but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
Household Hints that Really Work! As seen on The View Graham Haley & Dr. Carolyn Dean
- Stuff a mini marshmallow or organic alternative into the bottom of an ice cream cone and it will prevent drips. I say it should help to cut down on the drips! Have you seen kids eat this stuff on a hot summer day?! SS
- Use a really large plastic measuring cup and gently pour the pancake batter in to the pan.
- To dry a sweater outside, take a pair of pantyhose and thread the waistband up through the neck and each leg through the arms. Tie to line with top of panty hose.
- If you’re like us we have many talents, but not all of them help us with the house. For those tasks that we can’t do we call: www.handyconnection.com They will send out a handy man for the things you can’t do or don't’ have time to do.
A Parents Place By: Courtney Antonucci
I was driving my 2 1/2 yr. old and almost 5 year sons, and my girlfriend's 5 year old daughter and son home from Zoo Camp. It was a rainy Friday during rush hour traffic and we were inching along at a snails' pace. It had been a long day for all of us including my 2 1/2 year old who was fighting the stomach flu. I had placed him in the far back with a large blanket over his lap next to my oldest son just in case my worst fear happened and he started to vomit. I figured that our guests didn’t need to be exposed to that.
Usually, our built in TV does the trick in these situations. Today I was not so lucky. There was fighting over how loud the show should be, what was being said...pretty soon no one was really watching the show. My oldest and the boy in front of him started to throw little toys back and forth over the seat to each other.
There was wrestling of items (as much as they could while latched in). The volume was raising. After a few pathetic attempts at controlling the situation I did what I didn’t want to do. “Ok, I guess if no one is watching the show I will listen to my music instead.” I turned off the tv really expecting some begging for it to return. On goes Opera. Up goes the volume.
By then my son's had started to really fight over the blanket. They were in a full war. Apparently, the back seats are a little closer than the ones they usually sit in because they could actually grab each others arms and pinch. Both were crying and I was sure the little one was going to throw up at any moment. I began breaking out into a sweat. I’m still nowhere I can get off the freeway and I’m not sure what to do if I did get off. Do I unload all the kids and try to change the car seats around?? Sounds like more work than just listening to the screaming.
I decided to call the mother of one of our passengers who is taking the ProActive Parenting seminar with me. I call her just so she can hear how awful it is. She said to pull over as soon as I can, safely, and do the “This car only moves when it is quiet.”
Unsure that it will work, because I hadn’t done it with my kids yet, I find a safe street. Pull off to the side. I say those magical words. Then I pull out some paperwork that I’m pretending to be interested in. It takes a few minutes for any one to even notice we have stopped. Suddenly, it gets pretty quiet. Our passenger says “Hey this is what happened to us last time, when we where going to class!” The other two get quiet, then my kids do too. All I hear is the sniffle of my little one. As soon as it’s quiet I take advantage of the moment and head for my destination.
The rest of the ride is much better. Interestingly, I told the mother her idea worked and she was surprised. She didn't realize that it had that much of an effect the first time she tried it. I guess it did.
**Remember: The best way to know how your kids are REALLY behaving is to see how they behave when they are with other families. If the report comes home, “Your children are so well behaved!” And you look around as if to say, “My children?” Ask your self this question: Where would you like your kids to misbehave? Out in public when they are with other families? Or with you, where they feel safe and are at their most comfortable? Great work to both moms! Happy Mothers Day.
See you in June. SS
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