May 2008 Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff
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I’m sure you know what this month’s newsletter will be about; you guessed it—YOU and your life as a Mother! Read on and Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!
Phoenix: We had such a great response to the April seminar, How to Respond not React to Preschool Behavior, that we did the same seminar three more times in May and have two more scheduled in early June! Phoenix thanks for welcoming us with such open arms.
Portland: We plan to come and do How to Respond not React to Preschool Behavior soon I promise! Tall (for those of you who don’t know Tall is my youngest) is still there and wants us to come for a visit soon! PDX Interest list: Each time we’ve come back to Portland there’s a last minute dash to book a Mommie Mentor session or sign-up for a seminar. That can be frustrating because not everyone can get in. This time we’re trying something a little different. We’ve created the PDX waiting list. This allows you “first come-first serve status” and puts you at the top of the list. It also lets us see the interest level in PDX, which allows us to come sooner rather than later. Send us an email letting us know if you have interest in attending the How to Respond not React to Preschool Behavior seminar or if you have any interest in a Mommie Mentor session. We’ll then contact those on the interest list first when all the details are complete.
This Month’s Highlighted Seminar: Do you remember what silence sounds like? Is it a wistful memory or do you give yourself a few minutes of silence every day to reset your emotions and brain? Wait, wait, what’s that I hear—oh that’s laughing and I can hear it from all over the globe!
This month’s seminar was highlighted to coincide with Mother’s Day and to help moms get a few minutes of silence every day! This month’s spotlight is on: #10, Quiet
This seminar teaches children ages 2-6 the step-by-step process of how to be quiet. Yes, there’s a step-by-step process you can teach a preschooler so you can successfully create silence, even when a preschooler doesn’t want to. The reason this Seminar On-demand seminar works so well is because the teaching is disguised as a game, the best way to teach a preschooler anything. This wonderful game creates a few minutes of silence when you and your children are out on a walk, or when you walk in to the bank or when you just need a few minutes to gather your thoughts.
Happy Mother’s Day and enjoy the silence!
A tribute by others to YOU
Did you know that this month marks the 100th anniversary of Mother’s Day?
I’m not a poet, so I’ve decided to let those who are poets pay tribute to all of you—Enjoy!
Origin of Mother’s Day born of desire for peace by Joan Chatfield
“FEMALE activists who campaigned for peace and human rights were the inspiration behind creation of Mother's Day, which was first celebrated 100 years ago. ‘As I was revolving these matters in my mind, while the war was still in progress, I was visited by a sudden feeling of the cruel and unnecessary character of the contest. It seemed to me a return to barbarism, the issue being one which might easily been settled without bloodshed.’ This quote from Julia Ward Howe is cited as the background for the initial Mother's Day Proclamation in 1870, born of her call to women to ‘take counsel with each other (so that) the great human family can live in peace.’ Over the decades, the initial focus morphed through pacifism, workers’ rights and finally fused itself on the role of the mother as the nurturer of new life, the bond of solidarity in the family and the one whose voice should always cry for peace and justice.”
“Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby....that somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, ‘normal’ is history.
Somebody said you can’t love the second child as much as you love the first....that somebody doesn't have two or more children.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery....that somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
Somebody said a Mother can stop worrying after her child gets married....well that somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a Mother’s heartstrings.
Somebody said a Mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....that somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... that somebody isn't a Mother.”
Anonymous
“If you scratch a homemaker, you’ll find a feminist one eighth of an inch from the surface”
Letty Cottin Pogrebin— founding editor of Ms. Magazine.
“Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.”
Marion C. Garretty quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul
“We never know the love of the parent until we become parents ourselves.” Henry Ward Beecher
“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.” Attributed to Claudia Ghandi
“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” Anonymous
“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” Rajneesh
“Sweater, noun: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.” Ambrose Bierce
“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty
“Now that... my kids are grown, I understand how much work and love it takes to raise and to keep a family together. The example of your strength, devotion, and patience is now rippling through the generations.” Forest Houtenschil
”A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.” Dorothy Canfield Fisher
“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” Honore de Balzac
“A mother understands what a child does not say.” Jewish Proverb
“The phrase "working mother" is redundant.”
Jane Sellman
“To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power."” Maya Angelou
“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician.” Sydney J. Harris
“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us when adversity takes the place of prosperity when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” Washington Irving
“Your arms were always open when I needed a hug. Your heart understood when I needed a friend. Your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson. Your strength and love has guided me and gave me wings to fly. Sarah Malin
“The mother is everything - she is our consolation in sorrow, our hope in misery, and our strength in weakness. She is the source of love, mercy, sympathy, and forgiveness. He who loses his mother loses a pure soul who blesses and guards him constantly.” Kahlil Gibran
“Some Motherly Advice...
Always change your underwear; you never know when you'll have an accident.
Don't make that face or it'll freeze in that position.
Be careful or you'll put your eye out.
What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?
You have enough dirt behind those ears to grow potatoes!
Close that door! Were you born in a barn?
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
Don't put that in your mouth; you don't know where it's been!”
Anonymous
A mother's eyes so often shine with laughter, joy, or tears....and with the pride of seeing children blossom through the years. A mother's lips give kisses, cautions, praise, and good advice. She shares her faith and values through hard work and sacrifice. A mother's hands are busy trying to meet her children's needs, but quick to give applause whenever one of them succeeds. Throughout her children's lives, a mother plays a vital part. She is their shining star, their inspiration, and their heart.
Anonymous
From a Parents perspective - By Janet Gonzales-Mena
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Anger-Confessions of a Child Development Expert
Since anger and guilt are the “big deals” in parenting, here’s a great one. It’s a long one but really helpful!
What I know: My anger contains energy I can use to express myself and to make things happen. I can direct the energy to work on the problem that is the source of my anger. I can work towards solutions that don’t tear down or intentionally hurt others. My anger can give me extra strength and insight so that a problem I can’t handle becomes solvable with the angry energy.
What I do: I blow up, stew, stuff it, yell, cry hurt. None of these expressions of anger are very effective at getting my needs met or making changes.
Why: I’m acting out old patterns. My needs are twisted. I’m human—and I’m a dragon mom.
Few people warn you that anger is part of parenting, bound to rear its ugly head on a regular basis. Anger plays a part in almost everyone’s life, but somehow parental anger is bigger and uglier than other kinds.
The Dragon Mom was suddenly awakened
I was new to my parenting career. The dragon was unknown to me. So far, parenting had been entirely positive. I felt nothing but love in my heart for this precious new child of mine. I certainly didn’t feel anger. I remember thinking this was the happiest time in my life.
You can imagine how surprised I felt to find myself in the living room of our small apartment screaming, “Shut up!” in the direction of the bedroom where my baby lay crying. I swear those words just came out of my mouth on their own.
I had been a “good mother” up until then—all three weeks of his life. My baby had responded by behaving like a “good baby.” I had changed him, fed, burped, rocked, and cuddled him. He just wouldn’t stop crying.
That moment of frustration brought ugly, unmotherly words out of my mouth. When I heard them, I was nearly crushed by the overpowering weight of tons of guilt crashing down on me. Only a strong, monster’s body could withstand the weight!
I don’t remember what happened next, but I’m willing to bet that I called forth Mrs. Bodunky (her nurturing alter ego) who went right in and smothered the poor baby in marshmallow ooze. I don’t know if my sugary glop stopped the crying or not, but I probably felt better. That was the beginning of my parenting career.
Throughout the childhood years of my children, anger has been a constant, ugly presence. No one can make me as angry as my offspring those beings I love beyond description. I chose this way of life. I didn’t fall into motherhood accidentally. I can’t even imagine how much more angry I might have been if I hadn’t wanted to be a mother! Why was I mad so often? Why was I a dragon instead of my sweet image of what a mother should be?
It has taken me years to understand where Dragon Mom came from. I know now that she started more than a half a century ago as something I call “the wild animal” who is an angry child inside of me. The history of my anger is my own history, but perhaps if I tell you the story of my anger, you’ll be stirred to look at the roots of your own. All adult anger has its roots in childhood, and a history.
Adult anger comes from childhood history
I have always known about my “wild animal.” Events in her history that I don’t actually remember have been recounted to me many times. They say I was a “good girl” even as a tiny baby—remarkably “good.” However, I had one little flaw. It didn’t happen often, but occasionally the “good girl” would have a rather spectacular tantrum. I must have made quite an impression, because I’ve heard about these outbursts since I can remember.
At some point, I made an unconscious decision to cage up this wild animal from my babyhood and I did an excellent job. She managed to break out of her pen periodically during my childhood, I remember some of her crying, screaming rages. It was carefully pointed out to me that they were always over “nothing.”
My angry child self was locked up tighter and tighter until she barely appeared at all. The tantrums virtually stopped when I reached adulthood. However, once I became a parent, Dragon Mom appeared and my angry child once more began to express herself openly. And loudly. And dramatically.
All my children know Dragon Mom very well. But I continue to keep her caged around adults. One day I discovered just how I do this.
I was forty years old, no youngster, sitting in a meeting of my graduate committee. I had submitted my nearly complete master’s project earlier, and we were gathered to discuss it. I had foolishly expected nothing but praise, so I was astounded to hear critical voices coming at me. The project, a guide for infant caregivers, was something on which I had worked long and hard. I was very proud of it, and confidant that it would meet with approval.
“This sounds patronizing to me,” said one committee member
“This part isn’t clear,” added another.
“You have some contradictions here…” pointed out the first.
I listened stunned. For a split second, the dragon woke up. She threatened to stomp and roar. But as fast as that creature is, the director (in me) is faster. The dragon was caged so quickly that no one in that room—including me—was aware of her brief presence. I didn’t realize this sequence had happened until later.
My director (inside of me) replaced the big monster with a poor helpless little girl who dissolved into tears, melting the hearts of these powerful people who had so recently been so critical. Even now, years later I can feel my face flush with embarrassment as I write about this. I was hugged and comforted, feeling like a fool in the midst of my tears.
Later, as I learned more about the various components of my personality, I was able to see that situation more clearly. There had been three me’s present in that room, and they had appeared in a predictable pattern that was very familiar to me. The first was an adult, the one who later became the expert. Even then she a competent wrier and she entered the room with confidence.
The second who appeared and left so quickly that I was not even aware if her, was the dragon, who felt attacked and responded like an angry child.
The third was Pitiful Precious, a poor little girl who managed to deflect criticism and receive nurturing from these powerful people whom the dragon has not been allowed to confront. Indeed, my director (inside of me) was right. Releasing the dragon might have wreaked havoc. She’s trustworthy with her own children, but she’s had so little practice with adults she might have left others wounded. There’s no telling what she might have done.
It has been suggested to me that the angry child, my wild animal, is too risky in her pure form, and that the pitiful girl is the manipulative aspect of the same creature: the two aren’t really separate. Intellectually I can buy that concept, but emotionally I still feel their separateness. I can imagine that one day the two will become integrated and the energy that each holds will be available for meeting my needs and serving the good. In the meantime, I’m still dealing with this old, old pattern when I feel both angry and powerless around adults.
The pattern changes around my children; Dragon Mom seldom turns into poor little Pitiful Precious. Playing for sympathy never worked with my children. If you are a parent, you know that most children just don’t feel sorry, no matter how pitiful their parents act.
Pitiful Precious is ineffective with children
“Darling, please quit making so much noise. Mommy has a terrible headache!”
“Mommy—headache?...” Yell, yell, bang, scream, scream. There is no point in parading a pitiful child in front of my children. Instead, here is how the pattern has developed. Dragon Mom blows up, feels guilty, and then turns into inflated Mrs. Bodunky (her nurturing alter ego) who proceeds to overindulge the child who was the focus of the dragon’s wrath.
Stewing is a dangerous way to handle anger
Besides the dragon blow ups, I have another way to handle my angry energy—one I’m so ashamed of that I wish I didn’t have to mention it. I stew. I’m a great stewer. I can take just a few simple ingredients and create a glorious bubbling cauldron of potentially lethal mess deep inside myself. I add spices by talking to other people—not the one at whom the anger is directed. I look very adult while I’m stewing, except that I become quiet and less communicative. This is an ugly pattern. In comparison to this one Dragon Mom or Dragon–Poor Precious patterns look positively wonderful!
Intellectually, I am aware that anger holds a lot of energy that I can use in positive ways. I can confront and problem-solve, and find ways to express anger that won’t harm others or leave me vulnerable. Janet Competent Parent is good at expressing anger so that it gets a positive effect.
Anger can be used to make positive changes.
“You said this morning that if I drove you to school you were going to put your things away as soon as you got home this afternoon. But now I see you sprawled out in front of the TV and the mess is still in the floor.”
“Yeah, Mom. I’m going to do it as soon as this program is over.”
“I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.”
“Well, then lay off me!”
“No, we had an agreement.”
“Well, I’m not going to do it now, and you can’t make me!”
“I feel really angry when you say that to me! I don’t expect to have to make you. I expect you to carry out your part of the agreement.”
“Mom is standing in front of TV. Child is forced to look at her instead of the picture. Child figures if he pushes a little further he can trigger the dragon-Bodunky reaction. (For those who took Respond not React seminar, this is the fight for normal!)
“Geeze, Mom lay off!” He tries to look around her at the TV. She snaps it off, comes near him, and looks him right in the eye. Her look says, “I mean business, and I’m not going to give up or blow up.”
“I don’t see what difference a few minutes is going to make.”
Child slouches off the couch and reluctantly picks up one dirty sock.
“It makes a difference to me.”
I’m really proud of myself when I persist and don’t fall back on the old patterns of making a fuss and then feeling guilty and overcompensating. Janet Competent Parent can use angry energy to persist until something happens. I can do that with my children, and also with the rest of the world. If I could remember that fact at emotional moments, I could reduce my more familiar patterns of stewing or getting hurt, pouting and hoping to get hugged.
We can choose how to use anger
One more thing to remember about anger is that you don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t have to express it by letting it out. You don’t have to repress it by stuffing it in, either. You can choose to simply feel it-really feel it. If you can learn to do this for varying lengths of time, you can make better decisions about whether you want to act on your anger.
Staying with a feeling is not easy for me. I am a master at unconsciously distracting myself, or exchanging one feeling for another, like moving from anger to self-pity or from anger to guilt. Sometimes that ability to change feelings is useful—like when I’m afraid and I need to act bravely. But mostly it narrows my life and makes me a less complete person. Someone said that feelings are like the chords on an organ. You can choose to play only a few, but you limit your music.
Since I learned all this, some changes have occurred in me. I call upon my angry dragon less as I have begun to acknowledge my feelings. I have been aware for years that I blew up at my offspring more frequently when outside pressures were greater. I have carried a great deal of guilt about this one! Now I am better able to put anger that belongs in the outside world in its place.
Interestingly, people began to use words like “mellow,” “low key,” “calm,”—even “serene!”—to describe me once I began to acknowledge and accept my dragon. I no longer have to use energy to hide her.
Here’s a last word about anger. Whatever else my anger is, it’s real! Whenever I deny it, I’m bound to act like a fake. Realness comes from accepting anger and then deciding whether to express it, act on it, or just acknowledge that it’s there.
Mother’s hold a very high standard fro themselves. So Janet’s article this month will share something most moms would like to hide, their anger. I can’t say I agree with all of her view on this, but I don’t have too. What is far more important is to see if there is any resonance in this for you? Is there a piece in this article that feels like you? Read on and know, we all get anger—it’s what we do with the anger that matters!
| A Parent's Place: Put your 2 cents in |
This month we hear from two parents who have amazing things to share. You can share your stories here too! Share your success stories, or how things have changed since you began using the ProActive Parenting methods, or share how your child changed after something pivotal happened to you, or share something “green” or any other helpful hints for families, or share what ever you want. Remember, parent wisdom is the best wisdom there is. And there are eager parents just waiting to hear all about your solutions!
This amazing story is from Tracie Zentie, and what caused her son to sleep better and have more focus in school. You’ll be amazed; I know I was! Here’s Tracie in her own words.
“Jackson is doing soooooo much better. It's been amazing. I want to go on Oprah or something and yell at the top of my lungs, if your kid has allergies, asthma, doesn't sleep well and you can hear them breathing, check their adenoids and get them out ASAP! In just 4 short weeks, (after having his adenoids out) Jackson is no longer allergic to ANY foods!!!!!
He went from not being able to eat 20 things (runny nose constantly) to being able to eat anything (milk, wheat, etc.). Everyday his mood improves. He's become more talkative in social situations, more easy going, better listening, less zoning out (better every day on this one), laughing more, more willing to try new foods, eating better, better eye contact, no more bad dreams, sleeping better and more compliant. Seriously, I can't believe the difference! His teachers are saying the same things, which is great to hear. The pediatrician now agrees with me that Jackson's battle with Asthma since 6 months old was likely always his Tonsils and Adenoids and that the Asthma medicine was treating the problem. I'm even starting to believe that the immunity problems the adenoids were causing him could be a contributor in children who have Autism. If you are a believer that vaccines are linked to Autism, imagine giving them to a kid whose adenoids are on over load like Jackson's were (Jackson has had very few vaccines to date) and are causing the body to attack even the simplest foods (chicken, eggs, wheat). Imagine what it might do to a vaccine.... just my theory...maybe a little out there but I'd be curious to see what an Autism researcher thinks.
Here’s another piece of very valuable advice. This one comes from Caroline Knott.
It was written by Ann Lovejoy from the Seattlepi.com and is called: Ann's Organic Garden: Do you know what's really in that hose?
Click this link and read this very valuable article before summer arrives. Thanks Caroline!
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/nwgardens/317867_lovejoy02.html
That’s it for this month! Have a great Mother’s Day.
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