November 2003
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Great Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #3
What’s New At ProActive Parenting?
Fall’s here. Now we’re inside for days at a time. Hopefully November’s theme, Communication will
help. Starting with Janet Gonzales-Mena’s article on Choices. She illustrates what choices are and
how to use them, it's very valuable! The poems are also about communication this month. There's
one poem about communicating pay back, one poem about what's communicated to children about marriage, and a funny one about dating. There are tips to help you with the household stuff you do
each day. And finally a heartwarming account from a parent about motherhood and what motherhood
has communicated to her.
We all know that shared time communicates to a child, “I love you”.
Those “I Love You” feelings are also deposited into the “Emotional Sense of Security Account” inside your child. Your child unconsciously makes withdrawals from that account when reprimanded so he can remain secure that he’s still loved—even though he has misbehaved. Create some warm fuzzy memories and help fill up your child’s unconscious “Emotional Sense of Security Account”. Here's another way to communicate I love you, try resolving any of the repetitive issues that keep popping up in your family. You can resolve things by reading a book or by attending a parenting class, seeing a therapist or by having a coaching session.
Recently a father asked me if I did follow-up work. While answering I realized many of you don’t know about the other services I provide. I do what’s now fashionably called “Parent Coaching”. I’m not a formally trained “Coach”, I’ve been doing this longer than the buzz-word has been around, and no I’m not old!
What is coaching and how can it help all of you?
In-Home Sessions: Some families want me to come to their home to see the kids in action and offer solutions on the spot.
Phone Sessions: Some families call me with questions.
Email for more information.
**This is an archived newsletter. Now all the information is on this website under online store, Coaching isn’t just for athletes.
Children Behave When They Have Choices
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
I believe in giving children choices. Lots of benefits occur when children have choices. Power struggles subside as they resist you less. With an increased sense of power, children spend less energy grabbing for it and more energy being cooperative. Children also learn about the consequences of their choices. This lesson is one of the most important ones any of us ever learn, and we get more and more skilled at choosing the consequences we need and want than those we don't.
What do I mean by giving choices?
Say you're trying to get your toddler into the bathtub and you're getting resistance. Instead of saying, “get into the tub NOW” and hearing him shout “NO!” at you, try giving a choice. Ask, “Do you want to take your bath before dinner or after dinner?” Suppose he makes his choice for after dinner, and the time comes for the bath and he's still resisting, what do you do then? Give him a choice. Say, “Do you want to climb into the tub yourself or shall I put you in?” In this way you remain in charge, but the child still has a sense of power because he can control the situation to some extent. It's amazing how well this approach works.
Most of the time children don't think of rejecting both choices, but pick one or the other. Even for something as distasteful as taking medicine a choice works. Ask, “Do you want to hold the spoon yourself or shall I hold it for you?” Sometimes the choice is between doing something or suffering the consequence of not doing it. Feeding the pet guinea pig may be something you and your child fight over. You don't have to get into a power struggle. The choice is rather simple. Animals who aren't fed die. Neglecting animals is immoral (as well as illegal); therefore people who neglect animals have them taken away from them. You don't need to call in the SPCA. Just give the guinea pig away. There's bound to be a childcare program nearby who would love to have your guinea pig. Of course there’s an urge to rescue—rescue the guinea pig, rescue the child. That's okay if you're willing to take on the responsibility for this pet. But be clear that is what you are doing. And when your child begs for a puppy the next week, don't expect her to feed it for more than a couple of days. Realize what you have taught her: The consequence for not feeding a pet is that mom or dad takes over. No matter what you say, this lesson is now ingrained in your child.
Yes, life is about choices and children need to learn that at a young age. You'll know you've been successful when they not only learn to make choices, but also to give them. For example, I was surprised one afternoon when I came to pick up my son, Timmy, from nursery school. He climbed into his car seat, waited for me to buckle him in, and then looking me straight in the eye announced in a clear firm voice: “You have two choices Mom, you can either take me home or take me to the store and buy me a toy.”
Parent Poems —Payback Time!!!
ButlersWebs.com http://www.butlerwebs.com/jokes/ parents.htm
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father. “Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”
Kids Views On Marriage
How do you decide who to marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids! Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was turning sour? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone? When they're rich. Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with
them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
Is it better to be single or married? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9
How would the world be different if people didn’t get married? There sure would be a lot of
kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8
How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work! Tips for the Holiday’s
As seen on The View By: Graham Haley and Dr. Carolyn Dean
Spot Remover: Combine 1/2 cup of rubbing alcohol, 1/2 cup water and 1/2 tsp. dish
soap. Spritz it on the spot you'd like to remove and rub it with a sponge.
To whiten linen: Place in container and soak in denture cleaner. Then launder.
Garlic smelling hands: Take a stainless steel knife, coat with one or two drops of dish soap.
Carefully run your hands up and down the knife then, rinse your hands and the knife, the
smell is gone! (I do this and it works very well!)
Snow trip essentials: Make sure this is always in your car, even a rental car. Two empty cans, 2 sticks of gum, 2 candles, matches and kitty litter. If stuck in the snow, chew a stick of gum and stick gum inside of the can and shove candle into gum, light candle. Take candle can and place it on the snow in front and behind your tires. As snow melts remove candle and put some kitty litter on top of the snow. Slowly move car into position to go over kitty litter. You should be able to get out. Use remaining candle in the can to keep your hands warm. NEVER keep car going, your car may fill up with carbon monoxide.
A Parents Place
This section will now be a place for parents to share their story. From successes to issues and back again. This month we have a wonderful story about how children communicate through their actions and how we communicate with ourselves to make it through the day. Do you have a story to share?
Please email me with it.
Getting Through
By: Maureen Sullivan
We’re headed out of preschool Olivia and me. She walks toward the door, stops at a cubby full of crayons and pulls each one out to show me. “Yes honey, I see that’s purple, put it back please we need to go.”
“But wait, this one doesn't belong here” she waves a magic marker like a sword at me “I need to show Miss Gayle.” Purple marker in it’s rightful home, we make it out the of the classroom of tiny tables and dress-up clothes in only five minutes today. Now the hallway gauntlet where a rainbow display of backpacks line the walls. To Olivia this may as well be an art exhibit, she pursues each one, eyes passing over them attempting to absorb every big kid nuance. I’m part mama part guide dog.
Tiny hands reach to touch a fuzzy animal attached to a zipper or to pull a piece of clothing sticking out of a pouch. I pull her along the corridor of color and remind her “Those are other people’s backpacks and we need to ask honey.”
We cross the threshold to sunshine. A weeping willow, a few thousand interesting rocks and three pieces of stray garbage are all that’s between us and the car. “Mommy, I need to go potty, I want to go to the small one.” We turn back.
When she’s finished, Olivia flushes the miniature toilet. She shuffles to the miniature sink with her pants around her miniature ankles. Oh, the sequence can be so befuddling at three. Washing hands is a sensual experience for O and she gazes at them with admiration, and says with Marilyn Monroe breath, “Look, Momma, look how much lather!” Mustering up enthusiasm for lather, I look at her, smirk, then shove her hands under the tap and promptly receive an “I wanted to do that”. More soap, more washing.
I startle to see my reflection. I have that look on my face, the one I've seen on other mothers, the one that I swore I would never wear. It’s the look of someone smiling politely at a ritzy social function as they are trying to leave the room to vomit. Oh no, motherhood was going to be different for me. It was going to be easier, so full of joyful moments. I imagined no moments of rage, screaming, tears, frustration, self doubting, or mind numbing boredom.
Now I have cravings for sleep, sex, and easy exits. But here I am, again. Faced with bending to her whim and slowing down or digging in and getting those endless errands done so I can have time for me at the end of a day.
Motherhood on a bad day is a silent scream, noise after distracting noise bouncing off my skull, thudding down into my chest. There the noise becomes a ripping sound, is it the chambers of my heart expanding? Or maybe it’s just noise. Why didn't anyone tell me it hurts so much to feel this joy, then to find it leaves in such a hurry.
I wouldn’t have listened anyway, I’ve never heeded good advice. I click O into her car seat, kiss her sweet forehead and look into her steely blues, whisper under my breath as I roll my eyes heavenward, thank you universe I haven’t ruined her, yet.
Sliding in the drivers seat I wonder how can someone like me be here. In, the, drivers, seat. I don’t remember applying. What was my mother wrestling with when I was three? I wish Johnnie Walker and manic depression hadn’t gotten in our way. I wish I could stop wishing for the past to be different. My real wish is that Olivia never has to have these kinds of wishes.
Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, wish for a bike Olivia, wish for a bike. I pull up to the row of mismatched mailboxes. “Look” I say, “You got a post card from Morgan and Doug” I turn to show her, and see her glazed eyes, a vacant stare, and her head getting heavy. I slam my car door and start chatting. I know if she falls asleep in the car the nap will be short and the afternoon will be long. I glance in the rear view mirror, and see her eyelids flutter and shut so heavily I swear I can ear the clang. Damn! I look again into the rear view mirror. Olivia looks serene. Her soft face is soothing and a smile that is all mine, fills me.
My body knows I should sit with this moment for a little longer, the quiet, the sweetness of a sleeping three year old, sun on a February day. I don’t. I move, because one of the brain cells I didn’t destroy in my youth remembers the ice cream and frozen corn melting in the back of the car.
See you Next Month!
Have a great Thanksgiving! I wanted to mention a few things that may help during holiday time. Sometimes big family events tend to do one of three things to kids of any age.
1. Some children really enjoy family time. They love the attention, the family fuss, and they
behave themselves.
2. Some children may become very shy and unwilling to be polite or unwilling to acknowledge
someone they’ve known, but haven’t seen in a while.
3. Some may try to get your attention by misbehaving. Remember your children have gone
through many changes since last Thanksgiving. This year sitting on Uncle Al’s lap may not
be as fun. This year they may be too big, too shy, too feisty or they may just not feel like
it! If you’ve taken the Whole Family Series, consider thinking of some choices ahead of
time so you’re prepared. And follow through even in front of family. You can go outside or
in another room if needed.
Enjoy. See you next month. SS
 |
| |
