November 2004
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #12
What’s New?
October was not only amazing, but went by way too fast! 120 NEW people took the 1st seminar in the Every Day Solution series and are reading this newsletter for the first time! Welcome!
With Halloween this Sunday, most of us are beginning to think about the upcoming holidays. This time of year makes me think; “I won’t get everything done in time!” When I have that mind set I begin to get overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed I can easily be swayed into overreacting when I hear whining, anger or attitude.
This month the article talks about grumpy children, changing family dynamics, and giving feelings space in the world.
I have a new nickname, and I love it. I have just been given the name, by a parent in Lake Oswego, of Mommie Mentor, what an honor! And from now on my coaching sessions will be called Mommie Mentor Sessions. What is a Mommie Mentor session you ask? It’s a private coaching session either on the phone or in person and is for any family looking for solutions to issues but they don’t want to discuss in public at a workshop or after a moms group.
Here’s what you need to know about Private Sessions:
1. I don’t do the coaching sessions through email. I need to talk to a parent to really get the full understanding of what’s going on. Emails are too impersonal and too much can be missed.
2. Please don’t be offended if I know you and can’t remember the name and age of your child. I try, and often fail! Please don’t assume I know your child’s age. Why is that so important? In order to understand the developmental phase your child is in and why it’s impacting your family, I need their age.
3. For cost and availability send me an email.
** Please note: This is an archived newsletter, these days you can find that information on this website under online store.
Enjoy Halloween and Thanksgiving and see in November! SS
That Grumpy Child at Home May Be An Angel Elsewhere
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Some children are very hard to get along with. That’s no news to some of you. But what may be news is that many of those same little devils are angels when they’re not at home.
I’ll tell you about such a child. This child tends to be rude, crude, grouchy, and moody at home. I don’t believe in labels or name calling, so I have to quit throwing these kinds of words around, but I think you get the picture. This child was very difficult to live with. Whenever the parents of this child met up with her friends’ parents they got a different picture. Guess what the friends’ parents would say. “Your child is so polite, kind, considerate, a real pleasure to be around.” Surprise!
Why would a child be so different at home? Is this a split personality phenomenon? No. The explanation has nothing to do with mental illness; it has to do with the way child is and the way he or she is being raised.
Some children have a basic sense of security that allows them to be themselves wherever they are. They express their feelings to whoever is around-strangers, friends, and parents. Other children feel less secure in the outside world. They are the ones most likely to bestow the pleasant parts of their personality on outsiders leaving the less pleasant parts at home.
It works something like this. At home the consequences of crudeness, rudeness and a variety of ways of expressing anger are already tested. Outside the home it is usually less clear what happens to you if you grouch, complain, throw a fir, or make a rude remark. Many children are not willing to find out. Instead they gather up their energy to put a good face when they are away from home.
Fine, so why can’t they put on a good face at home too?
It’s a matter of resources. It takes a lot of energy to be polite all the time, especially if politeness doesn’t come naturally. The child arrives at home with energy reserves exhausted. The expression “to let your hair down” fits perfectly here. When the hair comes down the first thing to go is the mannerly veneer.
Home is where it is safe to vent pent up rage, annoyance and disgust. Of course, children can express feelings without being crude, rude, having fits or being grouchy, but they have to learn how. They won’t learn in a family where any expression of anger is considered rude. Children who are taught that anger is something to be avoided stuff their feelings. That’s like holding your breath; eventually you have to let go. If home is a safe place, that’s where you let go. The feelings spill out all over.
So what can you do if you live with children who are hard to get along with? Teach them to express anger appropriately, both at home and abroad. Help them see anger is an acceptable feeling, one that can be use to rally energy resources for problem solving. And take a look at yourself. Are you setting a good example? Before you can change your child, you need to look at his or her models.
I wish I could give you a guaranteed formula that would change a little grump into a happy-face angel. Unfortunately formulas don’t work in child rearing. The best I can do is to tell you to understand, advise you to teach expression of feelings and wish you luck. Maybe your child will outgrow the grump.
Momilies —As My Mother Used to Say By: Michele Slung
Mother Know Best
• I’m only doing this for your own good.
• It’s only your mother who’s going to tell you the truth.
• As long as I’m around, I’ll be your mother.
• When my eyes close yours will open.
• You can be sure of two things in this world: there is a God, and your mother loves you.
• If somebody else’s mother lets him jump off the Empire State Building, would you want
me to let you do it, too?
• Don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
• A little of what you fancy does you good.
• You can’t put one foot in two shoes at the same time.
• You pays your money and you takes your choices.
• If the French were so intelligent, they’d speak English.
• In matters of taste, there’s no disputing.
• If your manners are perfect on the surface, you can be as unconventional as you wish,
underneath.
• When in doubt, write a thank-you note.
• A bored person is a boring person.
• All a little girl has to do is be amiable.
• A playboy’s nothing but a high-class bum.
• A doctor’s never the richest man in town, but he’s always well respected.
• They’ve got orange peels on the slop pile-they must be rich.
• Some folks make a dollar a day and spend a dollar and a dime.
• The best sleep is the sleep you get before midnight.
• Nothing worthwhile happens after midnight.
• You have to get up in the middle of the night to fool your mother. The Box Project
When my kids were little we had two mandatory projects for this time of year.
1. They had to clean out all of their old toys and package them up for those who don’t have
as much as they do and they have to accomplish this task before I was willing to hear
any requests for new toys.
2. We would also have a family meeting and decide what we wanted to do to help our
community. One year we did a penny drive. We took the boys and went to wealthy
neighborhoods and asked for extra pennies.
This was like pulling teeth, but created a great sense of community in the boys. I ran across this idea somewhere and I think it's a good one, and maybe this one will work for your family. Give it a shot actually expands a child’s idea about the reality of others who are not as lucky as they are and the holidays are the perfect time to remind everyone of that lesson.
Here's what they say about themselves on their website.
The Box Project is a national, non-profit organization that has been matching volunteer sponsors from across the United States with recipient families living in rural poverty in America since 1962. We currently serve carefully selected areas of rural poverty including: the Mississippi Delta and rural communities in Maine, Appalachia (including West Virginia and Kentucky), the Native American reservations of South Dakota and Florida.
Our Mission: To encourage and enrich the lives of families and individuals living in poverty in rural America by establishing meaningful relationships, promoting education, and offering material aid. Contact them at www.boxproject.org.
I hope you enjoyed this month installment of the Newsletter. Feel free to pass this web address to friends and family if you think they would enjoy the newsletters too, All the Peaceful Parenting newsletters from last year are still posted. See you at the seminars. SS
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