October 2003
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #2
What’s New at ProActive Parenting
September is one of the busiest months for families. Just getting back in the swing of things can be a challenge. Children may procrastinate or stir things up as they adjust to getting up early, needing to leave on time, a new teacher, new friends and the return of routine in their lives. Things usually seem to even out by Halloween.
This month’s theme is loosely based around listening. Janet Gonzales-Mena’s article speaks about her goal for listening.
This month has a very touching story about two teens; make sure to get the tissues first! Some of you may have received a request from your child’s teacher to read to your child every night. Take a look at the book list in this issue. These books are classics and create lots of wonderful memories and meaningful conversations. I read anything that Roald Dahl wrote to one of my sons. His favorite was James and the Giant Peach. And I read the entire series from Madeleine L'Engle, I think the first one was A Wrinkle in Time. Those were my son’s first introduction to chapter books and they remain favorite memories to this day.
Enjoy Halloween; hands down it's my favorite holiday, and one place where our family made some great lasting memories. When the kids were little I began collecting things on sale after Halloween to add to my collection for next year, and to this day I still do it. However, this year we made 6 headstones; I’m a sick individual when it comes to Halloween.
When I was a child Halloween was the happiest holiday we had, there we no sad faces on Halloween! Halloween is my Mom’s birthday and she would dress up as a witch, let us eat as much candy as we wanted, and she topped the evening off with homemade hot chocolate. Oh we loved this. It made the night special and it was the only night we were allowed to break the nighttime rules.
I never let my kids have as much candy as they wanted, the little one would throw-up too easily, but they did get tons of candy, and there was a limit.
I decided the way to make Halloween special for my family was to deck the house out almost to the point of embarrassment. Not with cutie things, I’m not that kind of girl. I used creepy and scary things. I had a rule here too. The really creepy stuff, scary sounds, the mist and all of that stuff wasn’t put out until the really little ones were done trick or treating. This made my kids mad, but look what I do for a living, I’m not scaring those sweet peas!
Making such a big deal of Halloween created a ritual that still remains a holiday favorite, even with my adult kids. They are actually willing to come home – they’re in their twenties, to help out just for the fun of it. What do you do for Halloween? Do you love it or hate it. And if you hate it, do your kids hate it too. I just shared a story about 3 generations in one family who have passed down their love of a holiday down from one generation to another.
What do you pass to your child during the holiday season?
Do you pass frustration or joy? Just something to think about.
And don’t forget to really listen to your intuition when your child asks if he or she can go trick or treating without you or run ahead. Ask questions to see if he/she has a plan. Things like “What would you say if someone asked you to come into their house while they went to get your treat?” His answer will tell you if he’s ready for independence or if he needs more information. See you next month. SS
Goal is Cooperation, Not Obedience
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
“My kids never listen to me,” is a complaint I hear often from parents. I'm beginning to wonder if evolution has left the next generation with a hearing problem. Perhaps our ears are becoming useless appendages only good for displaying earrings? WRONG! The problem isn't in our children's ears; it's in their motivation systems. And the problem isn't theirs-it's ours.
What do parents really mean when they say, “My kids never listen to me”. They mean, “When I tell my children to do something they don't do it.” If you ask them to elaborate they'll give an example like, “I tell my son to take out the trash and he just keeps on reading like he didn't hear a word I said.” Perhaps you have that problem too. If so, let's explore a little further.
Think about what you want. Is it really obedience you’re after? Sure it would be easier if we could issue an order and our kids would respond like little soldiers. But do you really want your kids to obey someone's orders all their lives? I don't. I want them to think for themselves. After all, I can't be sure those giving the orders—those in authority over my children—will always be benevolent. My goal is not obedience and compliance but cooperation. I want my children to learn that they are better off when they are cooperative than when they are not.
How do I teach this lesson?
First of all, I have to become sensitive to my needs and those of my children whenever a problem arises and they “won't listen to me.” I can express my needs and even my frustration. That gets things out in the open and may relive me. But I can't expect my needs or even my anger to motivate my child. My children are wrapped up in their own needs. My anger doesn't cause action on their part, because that only works if they are afraid to displease me. Ruling by fear is not my goal. I certainly don't want my children to use their anger to control others, so I don't want to model that approach myself.
So how do I teach cooperation?
I start by having a discussion about, for example, joint responsibility for shared living space. The discussion needs to be tuned to the age of the child in question. I'll also make sure I'm not mad when I start this discussion—because anger gives it a whole different complexion. I will use a problem solving approach, not a lecture, in this discussion. Together we'll explore feelings and choices. We'll explore trade offs. We'll decide on consequences when someone fails to do what he or she has agreed to.
I'm not saying your child will jump up from a good book and empty the trash if you follow my advice. I am saying that children feel more powerful, therefore more willing to cooperate, when they are part of a decision making process. I'm willing to bet you'll find that their ears work better too!
20 books to Read Aloud by Janice Byram, schoolteacher
1. Caddie Woodlawn By: Carol Ryrie Brink
2. The Cooper Kids Adventure Series By: Frank Peretti
3. The Secret Garden By: Frances Hodgson Burnett
4. The Ramona Series By: Beverly Cleary
5. A Wrinkle in Time By: Madeleine L'Engle
6. The Chronicles of Narnia By: C.S. Lewis
7. Little Women By: Louisa May Alcott
8. House at Pooh Corner By: A.A. Milne
9. Charlotte's Web By: E.B. White
10. Anne of Green Gables By: L.M Montgomery
11. Gentle Ben By: Walt Morey
12. The Boxcar Children By: Gertrude Chandler Warner
13. Heidi By: Johanna Spyri
14. Hans Brinker and The Silver Skates By: Mary Mapes Dodge
15. The Lord of the Rings By: J.R. Tolkien
16. John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress By: Gary D. Schmidt
17. The Book of Virtues By: William Bennett
18. The Velveteen Rabbit By: Margery Williams
19. A Christmas Carol By: Charles Dickens
20. Black Beauty By: Anna Sewell
A Poem For Parents Risks - anonymous
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their certitudes they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
A Teen Who Listened Author unknown
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.”
I had quite a weekend planned, parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon, so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, “Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.” He looked at me and said, “Hey thanks!” There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes.
We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, “Boy, you're gonna really build serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there. On Graduation day I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, “Hey, big guy, you'll be great!” He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. “Thanks,” he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those though years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.” I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.” I heard the gasp go through the crowd this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
It Really Works! Success Stories from Graduates Uh, Oh,
By Rachel Smith
I first came to Nurturing Connections moms’ group when my little boy was 18 months old. We had just been at a meeting with a lot of other children. My son ran around the meeting purposely pushing every other kid he came close to. I was so upset! Here I was trying to raise him in a thoughtful, non-violent way, and he was being so mean! He was even laughing about pushing the other children. I was just mortified!! I brought this up with Sharon and the other mothers in our moms' group. I was stopped cold in my tracks when Sharon asked “Why does it make you so angry?” Wow, that shifted my perspective.
Instead of agonizing over why my son was behaving so badly, I could focus on my response to it. “Changing your attitude about the hitting will most likely change the outcome.” Sharon said. “Instead of getting mad, stay calm and respectful, yet firm, and use the words and phrases I’m suggesting to get him to stop.” It worked! This tip has proven to be one of the top parenting tips of my parenting career. It works for many not-so-likeable behaviors that are really unacceptable.
(This is an archived newsletter, all the details for this tip are in seminar #1: No we don’t do that!)
You would be amazed that this actually works, in a lasting, meaningful way. My son quit pushing other children (right away!), and we have never had much of a hitting/ pushing problem with him since. He is four years old now! Now I have two boys, and though we have our moments, I think I am a much calmer and more thoughtful parent. And, my kids know what the rule is. This doesn't mean that they never hit or push each other, but they have learned that mom means business about that non-violent thing. I think we are a more peaceful family because we have loving limits.
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