News at Proactive Parent

The World Has Changed

Here’s my understatement for the week, the world seems a bit uncertain these days.

The world has changed, but in which direction? Is the shift to the future or to the past? And will that direction be a permanent shift? It seems as if a huge multi-layered shift is occurring these days and the evidence is showing up everywhere.

Banking systems around the world have been hit hard and the collapse happened really quickly. People are watching what they say as they discuss politics—imagine that! People are deciding if they want fear and racial divides as part of their daily diet of life. Yes, huge multi-layered shifts are happening. Okay, many of these changes have been building for a long time, but when things happen—people react. Now the question is, what’s your reaction to the economic down turn? How are you doing with all of this?

Are you a half-empty or a half-full type of person? Are you living in fear or are you accepting how things are playing out in your life? Has this economic down turn hit your life, your home, or your bank account?

So why do I bring this up? I bring this up because of the stress that’s being caused by all of the changes and how that stress plays out in your family.

My rant this month is all about how adult issues can cause stress and how stress can absolutely cause a reaction. Then a reaction needs a place to land, and most of the time it lands on your toddler or preschooler because they can’t fight back like an adult can.

Everyone has been stressed lately? So the big question is, what are you doing to relieve your stress?
Anything?

Right about now you might be saying who has time to relieve stress? And why is relieving stress so important? It’s important because of what stress causes; it causes reactions.

When something rocks the adult world most people become stressed out. And when a child misbehaves the adult’s penned up stress can easily cause a reaction. Most of the time parents look at their reaction as having been caused by their child’s behavior, not by the penned up stress. But if you were really honest with yourself you might find that the root of your reaction is actually based in your stress!

When a child is stressed by something that happens, like losing a toy, or not getting the cookie they wanted, their world has been rocked. They’re experiencing a toddler or a preschooler version of stress.

What do we normally do? We tend to expect or demand that they “stop it right now and behave!”
Are we asking the child to do something they can’t really do when flooded with their emotional reaction? Are we asking them to stop reacting and control themselves without any help or guidance from us? I think that’s exactly what we’re asking them to do, and it doesn’t always work! I have a solution so keep reading.

Why do I bring this up? I bring it up so I can share a new way for you to deal with your stress and reactions as you correct behavior! How? By responding not reacting when things come up.

Many of you have mentioned that you wish I were coming to your town so you could attend the How to Respond seminar. Lot’s of you used our waiting list feature so you would be notified when we came to your town. Traveling from city to city was our original plan for 2009. However due to the economic turn down our plans have changed. We’ve changed course like so many others, and NOW parents don’t need to be without this vital information any longer!

We’ve just posted the most popular seminar we’ve ever done, How to Respond not React to Toddler and Preschool Behavior on our website. Now everyone can benefit from this new information—no matter where you live.

Everything is included; it’s exactly what you’d receive if you came to a live seminar.

The How to Respond not React to Toddler and Preschool Behavior seminar is:

A full-length seminar weighting in at: 1hr 20-minutes.
It comes with a 9-page handbook that you fill in as you listen to create the step-by-step process of responding.
It shares how to stop reacting and a way to reset yourself so you can begin responding.
It shares how not to react to a preschooler when you’re in the middle of a power struggle, a screaming match or a bossy episode.
It also shares the thinking process of little ones so parents can really understand what they’re dealing with. 

This seminar introduces the ProActive Basics something new we unveiled this year along with this new seminar.

The ProActive Basics are a simple 3-step method parents can easily remember and apply to any situation so a child’s ears can remain open as you teach them or correct their behavior.

There are also sample conversations to learn from.

One sample conversation shares a reaction in process so you can see how a power struggle unfolds and spins out of control.
The other sample conversation takes you line-by-line and replaces the reaction statements in the conversation with response statements.

All of the information in the seminar works to assist parents as they deal with the stress they’re facing now, because NOW is the time when you need it!

So, the next time you react as you’re teaching or correcting your child consider taking the How to Respond not React Seminar. It really does help you create new ways to talk to your child in any situation and creates wonderful parenting habits that will serve you for the next 15-18 years.

Oh, and there are 10 check points to help parents notice when they’re about to react and that information translates perfectly into the adult world as well.

What else is in the newsletter?
This month has a short article I wrote about Halloween and the things to watch out for so the wee ones aren’t really scared. There’s an article by Janet Gonzales-Mena that might help you with stress as well. And there’s another installment of It Isn’t Easy Being GREEN.
Enjoy!

A Note from your Preschooler

Did you know that Halloween can be very scary for me

Masks might not be the best idea this year:  Parents need to know that Halloween masks are really scary for little people. So don’t be surprised if your children react when someone walks up to them in a mask, even if it’s someone they know. When a little one sees the removal of a mask it may seem as if someone is taking their face off!

Don't forget I'm still really little: Try to be patient; your kids will get to the place where “scary” decorations are really cool. We have 10 homemade gravestones, a couple of disembodied hands, and a scarecrow, but I never put most of that stuff out until the little ones have come and gone for the night. You’ll be able to enjoy all of that soon, just not so much with a toddler or a young preschooler - unless you want to risk the possibility of fears or nightmares!

Little ones don't care how much you spend: Don’t spend too much money on costumes at this age because your child may announce at the last moment, “I don’t want to put it on” or “I don’t want to go out and trick or treat.”

Getting used to a costume: Practice by setting a timer and letting your child play in the costume for 15 minutes each day, then have them take their costume off. It will be hard to get them to take it off, but it’s better than risking a ripped costume. Mark the calendar to show them the day they’ll be able to have the costume and play with it forever.

A party might be just the thing: Try creating a different kind of Halloween during difficult developmental stages, if the kids are willing. Have a small party with friends and no costumes. Or have a pumpkin carving party with hot chocolate.

Answering the door can be scary too:  Don’t forget that just answering the door on Halloween means looking at scary things too!

Will my friends look the same:  You can ask the neighborhood kids to come over dressed in their costumes a few days before Halloween so your little ones can get a bit more used to their friends in costume and won’t be as scared of them in the dark.

It may come to an end early:  Be willing to come home after five minutes of trick or treating. Or be willing to carry your child so they are up at eye level and are less afraid.

See it from a child's eyes:  Watch ET the Extra Terrestrial and see what Halloween looks like from a child’s point of view.

From a Parents Perspective - By Janet Gonzales-Mena

Give Youngsters A Chance To Solve Their Own Problems

Sometimes I look like a bad parent. Instead of being dependable, available, and kind I seem to be uncaring and disinterested. I even believe in neglecting children.

“Oh, oh,” you say. “Call the police!”
   
Wait a minute, hear me out. I don’t mean neglecting children’s needs—as a parent you have a legal, moral, and biological obligation to meet the needs of your children—physical, emotional, social, and intellectual needs. When they’re babies that’s your job, or when you weren’t around to do it, it’s your job to find a substitute need-meeter. But as children grow older it’s also your obligation to teach them to meet their own needs so that eventually they can take over your job entirely. Here’s where the neglect comes in. Actually it starts in infancy as you teach babies to tune in to and express what they need.

Instead of jumping up at the first little simmering whimper my babies made, I let them come to a full rolling boil. If babies’ every squeak is immediately answered with a nipple of warm milk they have no chance to really experience needs, let alone find ways to cope with a few minutes of delay in getting them met. Of course, I don’t mean that I used to let my babies scream their lungs out for long periods when hungry or at any other time. That doesn’t just look neglectful¬—it is neglectful. I mean I delayed my response a bit at times.  (She only suggests delaying answering a whimpering child for 1-minute max, all the while listening to see if they’re finding their way on their own. She and I both believe that you never ignore any sound from a child who is between 0-4 months old. 0-4 months is when a baby needs a parent to answer every single request. That’s when a child learns, at the deepest level possible, that they are safe and their needs will always be met. SS)

The issue is one of empowerment. If children are to experience their own sense of power, (or ability to learn how to self soothe, SS) they need opportunities to learn and practice all sorts of skills. They do that when parents step back a little sometimes. That included letting a baby express his hunger clearly and cope with a small amount of delay. It also includes letting children do for themselves something you could easily do for them, like pouring milk, or getting up to get something from the refrigerator. (Don’t freak, they don’t have to learn how to pour milk from a large carton. You can pour a 1/4 glass of milk into a plastic pitcher with a lid, and allow them to stand on a stool and pour it into a plastic cup over the sink. Make sure the first few times you stand beside them, not doing anything but watching. Or you can create snack boxes that they can help themselves too when ever they are hungry as long as they clean it up and use only what’s in the box. Thank you Maria Montessori. Parents can always include boundaries and mix them into teaching this type of empowerment. SS)   

I remember a time in a park when I was watching my then three-year-old try to climb a ledge in order to get up to something he couldn’t reach. He was struggling, but I stood back and kept my hands off him. A woman watching from nearby rushed over and lifted him up, saying “There now you can reach.” Then she gave me a dirty look and left. I’m sure she classified me as a lazy, or just plain mean mother. She misunderstood my motives.

Of course I’m not advocating that parents ignore their children. Children need attention.  At the same time they must learn to express, cope with and meet their own needs.

And when the end is in sight of your child rearing responsibilities—when your children are at a leaving-home age—it becomes ever more important to be a “bad parent”. Don’t always be available, dependable and kind. It’s too hard to grow up and leave a good parent. Imagine yourself in the position of having your mom or dad as your best support system, your listening ear, your dearest friend. How could you ever leave such a person? Some young people, in fact, when faced with this dilemma become so difficult to live with that they force their parents to quit being so wonderful.

So now you know that I’m proud to look like a bad parent. I’m purposely stepping back, leaving my hands off, in order for my children to grow into skillful, independent people able to meet their own needs.

This was written in 1991, and many things have changed since then. We all agree that children need to grow and learn from their experiences and the consequences of their actions. I think in today’s world using the words “Bad parent” may send the wrong message.  Today we have the internet and have been exposed to what a “bad parent” may look like, and it isn’t anyone who stands back for 30 seconds to 1 minutes and watches as their child begins to learn how to master something, these days we call that a great parent.

Also, I put this entry in here to remind you that one way to reduce stress is to allow others to do more for them selves. I was horrible at this, and was forced by the circumstances in my life to learn to let go, to let others control themselves and their learning. I was amazed at how they began to grow and how they began to carefully consider how to do things after they'd experienced how not to do things! So when you’re stressed, another way to reduce a reaction is to consider letting go and let the kids try it for themselves and you take a moment to do something for you, even if it’s just to look outside and breathe for a moment!  SS

It isn't easy being GREEN

I think the world is catching on!

1.  Arm and Hammer has come out with plant-based cleaners that come with an empty bottle. Now all you have to do is add water to the plant-based mix. When you run out of the plant-based mix, that’s all you need to purchase. This reduces the plastic in the landfill and stops the use of chemicals.

2.  Did you know that vinegar and water is a great cleaner? It works so well that most companies are trying to match the power of vinegar and water with chemicals. Of course they don’t want you to know that you can make your own cleaners for pennies, and that it’s healthier for you, your family and for the environment.
For 131 uses for Vinegar and Water go to: www.angelfire.com/cantina/homemaking/vinegar.html

Other wonderful things I have found this month

3.  Did you read the recent reports from the Academy of Pediatrics and the FDA that say NO cold medications for children under the age of four?
So what’s a parent to do?
I successfully used old-fashioned remedies and homeopathy for my children when they got sick.  Whole Foods has a great section, check it out. For old fashioned advice go to:
www.babble.com/CS/blogs/strollerderby/archive/2008/10/13/five-ways-to-treat-a-child-s-cold-without-medication.aspx

4.  Still nursing? Is your child at the age where they’ve become distracted while nursing? Does each movement in the room cause the child to pull off, which hurts, so they can see what’s going on? If so then you might want to check this out. It’s called a nursing necklace and I had never heard of it, I wish they had these 29 years ago. www.mommynecklaces.com

Well, it’s been an long stressful month and that’s all I’ve got.
Please don’t forget to tell your family and friends about the How to Respond not React Seminar, and consider it for yourself as well.

Have a very-semi Spooky Halloween. See you next month.