September 2003
ProActive Parenting’s
Peaceful Parenting E-Newsletter
A Collection of Good Stuff Written by Other People
Issue #1— Premiere Issue
What’s New at ProActive Parenting
Of course the newsletter is brand new! I hope you enjoy it, I had so much fun creating it.
I called on an old colleague/mentor/friend of mine, Janet Gonzales-Mena, and she very graciously has allowed me to use her wonderful column “From a Parents Perspective ” in each newsletter. Janet has a unique perspective. She has five children, and is an Early Childhood Professor who writes textbooks about how children develop that is used at many colleges in this country. She speaks with a great deal of wisdom and reality and she’s very funny! I think you’ll really enjoy her work.
Feel free to pass this website on to any friends that you think may enjoy this light hearted look at parenting. If they'd like to receive further newsletters before anyone else does, have them join the email list posted on this site. What's the advantage to being on our email list? Parents will automatically receive the monthly newsletter ahead of the publiic. The public has access to the newsletter after they have been added to the archived newsletter, a month later.
Forgive my writing style, I’m just finding my writing wings.
That's why this newsletter is mostly written by others!
I hope you enjoy the Premier issue of our newsletter.
Maybe you’ll learn something new each month that you can use.
See you next month! Sharon Silver, founder and director of ProActive Parenting.
Be A Hero Parent— Wait, Don't Act
From a Parents Perspective By: Janet Gonzalez-Mena
Two important themes, two modes of being, run as threads through out parenting careers. These two modes I call “acting” and “waiting”. Most of what I've written about in this column has to do with the acting mode. This time I'm going to focus on the waiting mode.
Waiting is a theme of fairy tales. One comes immediately to mind—“Sleeping Beauty”. This tale contains a lesson for us, both men and women—and the lesson is not about Prince Charming. It's about waiting as a legitimate mode of being. It’s about patience. It's about the heroism of not acting in some situations—but waiting it out instead.
Before I became a parent I was an action person. In fact the year before my first pregnancy was the fullest one of my life. I was finishing college in grand style-not only taking a heavy course load, but serving as president of several organizations. In addition, I took up skiing that year. Waiting was definitely not a theme of my life—then.
Imagine how my life changed when I got married, became pregnant, and moved to a foreign country where I was president of nothing, had no studying to do, couldn't work, and couldn't ski. I'll tell you—I was frustrated. Nine months of trying to entertain myself was a lifetime. I wasn't used to waiting. I was used to making things happen, to taking charge, to being in control. I was ripe for the first lesson of parenthood, which is some things you just can't make happen. You can't control everything. You can't make a baby. You have to wait for it to grow.
When the grand climax arrived and the baby came into the world, I thought the waiting was over. Wrong. Then came the crying. Of course I took action. I didn't just wait around for the crying to go away. Sometimes I could figure out what to do—the baby had some need to be met. But often the crying continued despite my actions. I was frustrated, but I learned again about patience and waiting.
Night-waking’s were another arena where waiting was sometimes more useful than action. I learned to hold back when the first peep came, because sometimes the baby put himself back to sleep. Of course I didn't let him lie there screaming forever, but I did learn to distinguish between when waiting was the right approach and when a response from me was what he needed. The two-year-old stage brought more lessons in patience and waiting. I waited out a lot of tantrums in my time—power struggles too.
When a child is screaming “no” at you, it's best to let go rather than try to take charge. The more you try to control rebellion, the longer it lasts. I know—I tried heavy-duty action more than once. We always ended up in a struggle that made us both look like two-year-olds. Just as you can't make a baby, you can't develop a child. Children unfold in their own time.
It was frustrating to watch my neighbor's child unfold faster in her school-readiness skills than my own. This little girl spent hours with books and taught herself to read before kindergarten, while my own four-year-old spent his days riding his tricycle and digging in the sand. I backed off in a hurry when I discovered that pushing him toward early reading made us both nervous. I quit trying to develop him. I went back to the waiting mode.
Waiting is a major theme for parents of teenagers, as they wait for their children to get off the phone, come home at night, and outgrow the weird clothing, unusual hair styles, odd customs, and curious ways of talking. Waiting is underrated as a parenting skill. The words that we use to describe someone in the waiting mode—words such as passive or inactive—are more negative than positive.
These words indicate a lack rather than a value. But my message is that waiting is a legitimate mode of being. That's the way I look at Sleeping Beauty; she was doing just what she should have been doing. However, Sleeping Beauty was different from us parents. She lacked a choice. Waiting, appropriate as it is at times, is not all there is to life. Sometimes action is called for. The trick to good parenting is to know which mode is called for when and for how long. Because we're awake, we can decide.
A Poem For Parents Things I've Learned from My Children
(Honest & No Kidding) Anonymous www.cgcreations.org/poems/fun.html
- There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowed restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- When using a ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak—it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before turning it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a five-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make Earthworms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
A Poem for Childhood — Mostly True - Brian Adams
There are lives I can imagine without children—but none of them have the same laughter and noise.
A Poem for Teens & Parents Winners verses Losers - Anonymous
- The Winner is always part of the answer; The Loser is always part of the problem.
- The Winner always has a program; The Loser has an excuse.
- The Winner says “Let me do it for you”; The Loser says “That's not my job”.
- The Winner sees an answer to every problem; The Loser sees a problem for every answer.
- The Winner sees a green near every sand trap; The Loser sees two or three sand
traps near every green.
- The Winner says “It may be difficult, but it's possible”; The Loser says “It may be possible, but it's too difficult”. Be a WINNER!
Helpful Household Hints that Really Work!
- To get rid of the itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief. For continued relief, put a drop of peppermint toothpaste on every mosquito bite.
- When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to a tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then, pull it off and on several times. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
It Really Works!
Success Stories from Graduates — The Spider Story-Anne Scott
On the night before I was to attend a parenting class, my 4-year-old son (Callum) saw a tiny spider in his bedroom. This scared him very much, as he has been scared of spiders for quite a while and it was becoming a bit of an issue. I removed the spider and said the usual line “Don't be silly, there's nothing to be scared of, the spider is tiny and your so big..... etc...”
The next night I attended my first “ProActive Parenting” class where we covered the use of empathy and choices. Coming home after the workshop, Callum was getting into bed, but was clinging to the side of the bed away from the wall where he had seen the spider the night before. So, I decided to put the lesson to practice.....(The lesson was to empathize with the child, acknowledge his feelings, and empower him by letting him come up with his own way to handle things.) I explained that the spiders didn't want to be here, that they wanted to be outside with their families and friends, and that they were lost. His response was, “Can you tell them not to come into the house?” I asked him how he thought I might do that, he said, “You could write them a note or a sign.” We discussed this further and I agreed that I would produce a sign to his design for the front door.
The following morning he came downstairs with his 2- year-old brother and they went to see the sign. He told Andrew, “Look Andrew, Mummy has put a sign up telling all spiders, flies and bumble bees to leave the house so that they won't scare us anymore.” This was met by a happy nod from his brother. Ever since, they now tell me there is a spider, I retrieve it, and we all wave bye-bye as we take it out of the front door to be with his family and friends! The sign reads “Spiders please leave the house through this door, Thank you.” and has a picture of a traffic light to tell them to STOP and read the sign and GO out of the door. It is now a major discussion point when anyone comes into the house...!
But the important thing is that it works.
(The solution may seem silly to an adult, but to a child being in charge of fixing a problem or solving a fear empowers them and nine times out of ten the problem is solved forever! -S.S.) |
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