News from ProActive Parenting

It’s been a while since I sent a newsletter. It was a long summer yet it seemed to fly by, if that makes any sense. Many projects were done at Chez Silver; most were in preparation for our first family reunion. My sons came to visit. It was great to see them and see how much they’d grown. Here’s what I realized about Tall and Taller after they left.

For those of you who are new to this newsletter let me explain. Tall is my oldest child and taller is his younger brother, they are fully-grown and living on their own.  As a child tall was very out going, made friends with anyone and was very out spoken. Taller was a very shy child, very, very shy and didn’t express himself to many people, mostly just to me.

After the family reunion I realized something that may be helpful and good news for all of you. Tall and Taller have changed! Yes, even grown children grow and change! Now that they’re living on their own and away from each other they’ve been free to really learn who they are and have been forced to express themselves out in the world.

Tall is now much more sensitive and soft spoken and Taller is expressing himself to all who will listen. This is very good news. They’re learning about balancing the child with-in with the grown side of their nature. They’re learning what it’s like to be who they are and what other peoples reactions are to who they are and how they behave.

Why is that good news for all of you? I look at it like this. It means that if you can find the courage to allow your children to be who they are and when possible let life and the world around them teach them as you stand next to them and support them, they will come to see how their personality, their temperament, and their actions impact others. They will learn if the choices they’re making need to change or remain the same.

Trust me, to do this takes a heroic act of courage on your part, I won’t lie to you, but the pay off is enormous. It means you can’t be a helicopter parent, you can’t over-protect. The shield you create when you over-protect or helicopter doesn’t allow pure experiences; the experiences are filtered through your fears and over-protection. It also means you can’t over–react when misbehavior turns into a life lesson. When you over-react the child has to deal with you, your anger or frustration and not the life lesson.

Can toddlers, preschoolers and young elementary children learn from life’s lesson—you bet they can!

They may fall and skin their knee if they don’t choose to slow down like you asked them too and you have to have the courage to let them learn. They may be scratched by a cat who doesn’t like to have his tail pulled, if you have the courage to let the cat teach the lesson instead of you sounding like a broken record! They can have friends refuse to play with them if they aren’t nice and so on and so on.

I told you it takes heroic courage to do this. But I now see my sons learning all by themselves, I am no longer there to over-protect or over-react, and yes Taller feel off his bike and had to get x-rays to see if his finger was broken, and yes, Tall is learning that relationships are better when you listen more than you talk. I am not there and they’re fine. In fact they’re wearing their lessons like a badge of honor and I couldn’t be more proud.

So the next time you want to over protect or over react think about what you’re doing and the words coming out of your mouth and then ask yourself, “Am I acting in the Best Interest of my child’s growth when I over-react or over-protect or can I relax, be supportive and let her learn from what life hands out? I am not saying you will never have to correct or discipline, it’s about the percentage of time you spend being over-protective or over–reactive, that’s where you can make some changes. When you do make that leap and choose to be supportive more often than punishing, over protective or overactive you’re doing one of the best things in the world to preserve your parent child relationship. You then become the one who is always there to supportively stand by her as she picks up the pieces after misbehavior or a mistake versus being part of problem.

Take it slow, do what you feel comfortable doing. Don’t let anyone force you into anything you’re not ready for, even me. But one day in your parenting career you will remember this story and realize just how clear life’s lessons are and how your child can wear his learning like a badge of honor too .

*Attention Phoenix area Moms and Dads

 

For the first time in nearly a year ProActive Parenting is offering a new series of workshops called Reducing Parental Frustration at the Ironwood Branch of the Phoenix Library.


Reducing Parental Frustration

This three week series introduces easy and immediately applicable ideas that allow you to go right home and make daily life calmer, more manageable and fun!



Week #1: Reducing Reactions
    Lack of cooperation is very frustrating and easily leads to reactions. This workshop contains 5 ways parents can reduce reactions and stop the cycle of going from calm to anger and reacting in 1.5 seconds.



Week #2: Creating Respect
   
Respect is usually created by demanding and commanding it. That may have worked in previous generations, however today's children don't respond well to that way of thinking causing parents to become frustrated. Come see what does work with today's children and increase respect in your family.



Week #3: Creating Better listeners
   
When children ignore what you have to say you get frustrated easily, then move to reacting, and then feel forced to punish. There really are subtle things you can do to increase listening in children. This workshop shares idea after idea that changes the way you talk to your children and sends the message you need to listen and follow through.



You can attend only one week or all three. 



Dates: Saturdays- October 3, 10, 17th

Times: 11am - 12:00 pm

Bring your questions—A Q&A session is built in to further the teaching.

Cost: $15 per week per person OR $30 for the entire series per person

Location: Ironwood Library in Ahwatukee

To register: www.proactiveparenting.net

Deadline for registration: September 30, 2009 

Contact by email after deadline to verify availability

In this Month's Newsletter

1.  The article I’m sharing this month is about tantrums. Did you know that older children have tantrums too? One thing not included in the article is the fact that tantrums aren’t always knock down screaming fits. I like to describe an older child’s tantrum as something that’s rooted in the idea of “I want what I want.” You may have just had an Aha moment because you may have realized that my description can apply to all ages of children.

That’s why I recommend deciding how to handle tantrums when your children are little. Creating boundaries to deal with the way your children talk to you, how they make requests for things, and how they treat you needs to be established early in life or the behavior will likely morph into some pretty outrageous behavior by the time they are teens!

Each one of ProActive Parenting’s seminars addresses how to set a boundary, what to say to get the point across, and examples to guide you through the process. Just thought you would want to know.

2.  The second article is by Janet Gonzales-Mena. It’s called “Be More Firm With Kids—Be Honest”

3.  The last section for this month has a few things to make life a little easier and fun each and every day

Are all Tantrums the same

Most parents tend to handle tantrums very sternly like they have no other choice than to come down hard to stop it immediately, as if it’s a battle of wills. Reacting that way causes you change yourself just a little bit. It makes you close off a part of yourself so you can deal with all the emotions. Think about this.

If each time your child goes through a new stage or expresses a ton of emotion you close off a part of yourself so you can endure it, who will you be in 2 yrs, 5 yrs or 20 yrs, will you recognize yourself? What if you were to look at the situation from another angle and change your mind about what’s going? The first thing to know is that different age groups have different types of tantrums.

• The conflict behind a very young child’s tantrums.

A young child is just beginning to see himself as separate from his parent. He’s independent and dependant at the same time and has no idea how to choose between the two. He sees a toy and heads toward the toy but out of the corner of his eye he sees mom walk out of the room. He wants mom and the toy at the same time and becomes panicky; he doesn’t know how to decide which to choose, mom or toy. He isn’t verbal enough to express his confusion so he becomes overwhelmed and more scared. Now he begins to cry, his heart beats louder and that scares him too, he collapses into a tantrum. He has no idea how he got this upset and gets more upset because he is so upset. He’s reached his limit; he’s extremely emotional and has no idea how to stop.

At this point some children get angry, kicking and scratching but most just fall into an emotional puddle and cry as if begging for help. Some parents yell at their child to “stop it now” but they can’t. They have no idea how they got this upset and even less of an idea how to “stop it now” so the tantrum continues.

 • An older child’s tantrum is what most parents think of when referring to a tantrum, it’s willful & emotional.

A 3 yr old is going to the mall with mom. As they approach the door she says, “Carry me”. Mom says “No” and keeps walking. The child throws herself on the ground and begins screaming, “You have to carry me NOW!” She screams until mom either leaves or carries her.

See the difference between the two? A young child’s tantrum comes from overwhelm and lack of words. The older child’s tantrum begins with “I want what I want” then goes into willful demands and emotions.

• So how can a parent handle these tantrums?
The young child’s tantrum is a true cry for help and isn’t the time for parents to close themselves off from their child and get intense. You need to be his soft place to land and bring him back to emotional safety. Be empathetic; use calming sounds and few words allowing him to latch on to the sound of your voice for safety. This type of tantrum will pass as he becomes more verbal.

Since an older child is willfully demanding “I want what I want”—talking is pointless. Pick her up and go out to the curb away from the crowd and sit; don’t go to the car or leave. Going to the car or leaving shows her she wins when she acts up. Calmly wait for screaming to slow down then say what you need to say and return to the mall. Here too you haven’t closed off any part of yourself or gotten intense and you were still able to be firm and correct behavior. If she acts up again, repeat.

Parents don’t need to change who they are or remove the love they have for their child when correcting behavior. Changing your mind preserves the parent/child relationship for a lifetime and isn’t that why we had children?

From A Parent's Perspective by Janet Gonzales-Mena

“'I have a hard time making little decisions,’ complained a parent to me. ‘I know I should be firm and clear with my children so I try not to show my uncertainty, but they’re very good at picking up on what I’m feeling. What can I do?’

My first piece of advice to this parent is: appreciate your children's sensitivity. It may be difficult for you that they are able to read you so easily but realize that this particular ability is a definite asset in life!

However, even when you appreciate your children’s sensitivity you still have to manage their behavior. Uncertainty is a common problem and usually the result of internal conflicts. For example, you may have mixed feelings about bedtime. Outwardly you say, 'Bedtime is 9:00, period!' You think you’re ready for the protest and you’re sure you’ll stay firm. You have rented a special movie you’ve wanted to see for a long time and you’re anxious to watch it without your children’s company.

You ignore the little voice reminding you that you haven’t been around much and you should spend more time with your children. So when nine o’clock comes and the fussing begins, your firmness and clarity dissolve. The fussing escalates because, in spite of your outward firmness, your internal conflict is picked up by your children.

I am advocate of honesty. Firmness and clarity are important in your interactions with your children, but your honesty is even more important. How can you be firm and clear if you don’t feel that way? The temptation is to fake it. But dishonesty seldom works. Beside it has side effects. When you are dishonest, you model a quality and a mode of communication you probably don’t want to see in your children. Have you noticed that modeled behaviors very often show up where you least want to see them as you children mirror you?

What can you do instead of coming on firm and strong when you don’t feel that way? How can you handle conflicting feelings? Here are three tips:

Be honest with your self. Most of us have learned to hide our feelings—from others and from ourselves. Burying feelings can cause problems. Pull out those feelings and take a look at them.

Be honest with your children. Share your feelings and inconsistencies. Once you get them out in the open you can deal with them. You may get honest clarity and the accompanying ability to be firm just by laying your cards on the table. Or if clarity doesn’t come automatically go on to tip #3.

Problem solve with your children. Discuss the situation with them and together find a solution. This may involve negotiation, which is more likely to lead to commitment on their part than when you issue ultimatums. Effective behavior management depends on commitment.

In summary, my advice is to try an honest approach when you feel indecisive. You’ll be more a effective parent even though you feel internal conflict. Use honesty to manage those times when little decisions become big issues.”

How to make life easier and have more fun

 

1. Eating veggies

 It’s hard to get children to eat their veggies. This was a huge challenge for me when my kids were little. This came into my email the other day and I thought it was a great way to teach kids about veggies. The email shares pictures showing how each vegetable is actually made to look like the organs it supports. Even adults loved this one. I hope the photo’s come through if not send me an email and I’ll email it to you. Email me at Sharon@proactiveparenting.net

 

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The  pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the     human eye. And YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function     of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the    research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower   cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know    walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the   human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target   bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have   enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These   foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female -   they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week,   it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this?    It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000   photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied   and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and  increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

 

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually  assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the   body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion,   Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

2. I’m bored

Tired of hearing “I’m bored?” Try creating a Boredom Bottle. Get a large plastic jar and some paper. Have a family meeting and as a family name all the things your children can do without you when they’re bored. Then when the kids say “I’m Bored!” you can hand them the Boredom Bottle and they can pick something out to do!

3.  Sorry, we don’t have the money for that right now.

The economy has hit us all hard which means many of us can’t buy as many toys as we used too or go out for dinner as often or do many of the special trips to museums, amusement parks or things like that like we used to.

 Here’s a list of “FREE” things to do as a family.

Build a fort                                                                  Play Marco Polo
Catch lightening Bugs                                                Monkey in the middle
Fly a Kite                                                                    Plant small containers with veggies or flowers
Play hangman                                                             Play baseball, basketball or soccer
Hopscotch                                                                   Capture the flag
Hula Hoops                                                                 Mother May I
Card games                                                                  Simon Says
Board games                                                                Red Light Green Light
Jump rope                                                                    Ride bikes
Make mud pies                                                            Read books they loved when they were younger

Do a Movie Marathon Day.

Stay in pj’s all day. Eat leftovers for breakfast and breakfast for dinner while you watch movie all day long.  

Do a mixing class

 Ants on a log

Get some raisins, peanut butter and celery sticks. Let the kids each make their own Ant on a log.

 Homemade Applesauce

Take applesauce from a jar and pour a reasonable amount of cinnamon into a little bowl and let the child add it and mix it themselves.

Yogurt Sundae

You do the prep work and the kids make the sundae. Cut up a nice selection of fruit and put each type in a bowl. Put a little bit of yogurt in the bowl and tell the kids they can put in layers of their favorite fruit and top it off with some crushed cookies or cereal.

Cook a real pumpkin

Bake a pumpkin with them and scoop out the cooked pumpkin and make pumpkin bread.

One child can measure the flour or just pour it in if they are little. Another can do the spices. And one can break the eggs.

Personal pizzas

Use refrigerated dough. Each personal pizza uses half of a roll of refrigerated store bought dough that has been rolled out. Add tomato/pizza sauce and whatever toppings you’ve chopped ahead of time.

Apple Funny Faces

Core and slice apples to make round discs. Spread peanut butter or cream cheese across each and make a face with raisins or dried cranberries. Use a vanilla wafer as a hat.

Have fun! See you next month!
Sharon