News at Proactive Parent

September is a beginning month, a month when school begins, and a month when routine feels like the best way to handle all the chaos. Some children’s daycare program switches from the summer rules and fun back to the “program”. Some children are starting preschool, some are starting ½ day kindergarten, and some are moving from ½ day kindergarten to all day elementary school, and moms are beginning to experience what all of this feels like.

There are some other new beginnings as well. Now you see a very tired and cranky child coming home each day, and you may begin to wonder —if it’s so much fun, why do you seem to fall apart and whine and as soon as you get in the car?

You’re beginning to see how all the hard work you’ve done with your child is beginning to pay off. She’s able to control herself at circle time! He’s taking turns with toys at school, and you thought it would never happen! And the teacher is sending home reports that your sweet pea is actually following all the rules!  But when she gets into the car she seems to chuck all her good behavior out the window and goes back to being the whining, non-sharing, can’t follow the rules child you know and love. What happened? And how come you get stuck with all the yucky stuff?

Well, the truth isn’t fun to hear. For a few more years, your child will be more well behaved when they’re not at home, than they are when they’re at home, sucks doesn’t it!

The reason is home is the emotional learning environment, not school and not the playground. School, a friend’s house, Grandma’s house, the playground, those are the places where your child puts into practice what they have been taught at home.

If your child were fully articulate she might say, “I fall apart at the end of the day because I’ve held myself together and followed all the rules all day when I wasn’t near you, and at some point I need to let go and my safe place is with you at home, that’s why I do it.”

Let me ask you this, where would you like your children to practice their misbehavior so they can learn from it, at home behind closed doors or out in public?

So from now on, when your child has a new beginning and behaves really well, don’t think or say, “Thanks for behaving well at school, but how come you can’t behave that way at home too?”

From now on say to yourself, “my child is able to behave really well at school because I’ve taught him all about what happens when you misbehave at home!”

Well, my three babies are having a beginning month as well. Tall (For those of you who are new to the ProActive Parenting newsletter this month, welcome. I refer to my adult children as Tall and Taller) has moved into a new apartment and is beginning to see what real city life is all about. He sold his car and is beginning to make his mark on the planet by riding a bike back and forth to work each day. He is also part of the Flex-Car (now Zipcar) in his town. He can use a Zipcar by the hour (fuel and insurance included) anytime he needs a car. He is proud to be reducing his carbon footprint, and we’re proud of him!

Taller is beginning a new life as well. Taller has moved to New Zealand! He was offered an opportunity he couldn’t pass up and we’re very proud of him, and feel the bittersweet loss of yet another beginning.

And now my third baby—ProActive Parenting has a new beginning too. We’ve just been voted one of the Top Best 50 Blog/Websites by a well know blogger, Vanessa Van Petten. She is the author of You're Grounded!: How to Stop Fighting and Make the Teenage Years Easier. Her website is www.OnTeensToday.com. 

This award means a great deal to me. It’s our first award and it comes from Vanessa and her board of teenagers. It seems the teens review websites and blogs and decided which they think offer the best advise and resources, and we were chosen. This is a small award, but a very big deal for me. I’ve taught four teens parenting classes throughout my career and teens are a tough group, so this is an amazing honor for me.

Finally, thanks from the all the writers that some of you helped out this month, they’re really grateful.

And the 1^st Mommie Mentor Memo was sent out to all of you who have purchased a seminar, live or online. Thanks for the love emails thanking me for that kind of support. To join simply purchase an online audio seminar or attend a live seminar and you will automatically receive the support “memos” each month. Enjoy the newsletter

What’s in the newsletter?
This month is about new beginnings. When any parent has a new beginning with their child it also means finding a new way to teach about the behavior that the new beginning created. A song I like says it best, “each new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.”

To help you see the many ways there are to teach a child as they start a new beginning we have two selections From a Parents Perspective, one called Child is Teacher to The Parent, and one called Let Children Learn Consequences Of Their Actions. Sticking with the theme of new beginnings I’ve included a section on Learning Standards from a Mother’s Encyclopedia, and in It Ain't Easy Being Green I’m sharing 3 ways parents can help their child learn the new school rules. Enjoy and see you next month as we celebrate my favorite month—the very scary month!!!

From a Parents Perspective - By Janet Gonzales-Mena

Child is Teacher To The Parent

I remember an early encounter I had with computers back when I was still of afraid of them. It was a long time ago in a mall. A crowd was gathered around a flickering screen in a computer store. I was at the back of the crowd and couldn’t see what was going on. My son Adam, who had never touched a computer in his life, wiggled his way up to the front of the crowd. When the man who was punching in things on the keyboard gave up and wandered off, Adam stepped forward and took his place. By then I was close enough to see what was happening.

Adam read the question on the screen —“What’s your name?” Although he wasn’t an advanced reader, he could make out the question. He carefully searched out letters on the keyboard in front of him and, using one finger, punched in the letters 
“J-E-R-K.”

“Hi Jerk,” the words on the screen responded cheerily. The crowd snickered. The screen continued to scroll down writing. “Are you ready to make something delicious to eat?” Adam didn’t look at the words long enough to read them, but he spied the words at the bottom that commanded him to press “Y” for yes and “N” for no. He pressed “Y.”

A list of recipes appeared. He picked one at random. I read the words Chicken Cacciatore over his head.

“Okay, Jerk, I’m going to tell you how to make Chicken Cacciatore,” said the words on the screen. “How many people are you going to feed?”

This time Adam read the screen slowly, taking in every word. Then looking over the numbers at the top of the keyboard carefully he picked a “one”, and then punched in six zeros after it.

The computer never batted an eye, or paused to gasp. It immediately went on to say, “Okay, Jerk, take 250,000 chickens, wash and cut them up.” The crowd around the computer roared with laughter.

The directions continued oblivious of the reaction. “Then take 500,000 cloves of garlic and dice them fine.”

The directions went on demanding thousands of gallons of olive oil, millions of pinches of spices—you get the picture. I finally left to finish my shopping. Adam was still working in the recipe. Periodically during the next few minutes I heard the crowd around the computer laughing. My son had found his niche—and it wasn’t cooking for a multitude.

I still marvel at the way Adam walked straight up and started punching keys on that computer. I, often wish, when I face something unknown but not dangerous, that I had the confidence he had that day.

I learned a lesson while watching Adam at that computer. I’m always thinking about what I should be teaching my children. I should also consider what my children can teach me.

From a Parents Perspective - By Janet Gonzales-Mena

Let Children Learn Consequences Of Their Actions

Feedback is a great teaching device. It differs from praise and criticism in that it is nonjudgmental. Feedback is what computers give—words processors, as well as Nintendo. Something either works or it doesn’t. No one yells at you or purposely makes you feel bad. That may be the appeal that computers and computer games have for children (adults too!)

You certainly don’t have to have a computer to use feedback for a teaching tool. I only used that as an example, because the computer’s immediate nonjudgmental feedback is excellent for learning. Computers aside, feedback is constant in everything we do. Sometimes we seek it. We test things out—like tasting the hot chocolate to see if 1½ minutes in the microwave is long enough. Other times feedback comes upon us unexpectedly. We put an oversize wool sweater in the dryer and remove a mini-sweater an hour later. Feedback that teaches occurs naturally in situations every day.

Here are some examples of children learning through feedback:

Busy Jamie skips watering the bean seed she planted in preschool. The sprout withers.

Amy forgets to set her alarm clock. By the time she wakes up she’s missed walking with her best friend and has to run with the last-minute neighbor child.  

Jason shoves his dirty jeans under the bed every evening instead of putting them in the clothes hamper. When the last pair of jeans is gone from his drawer, he is left with getting some outgrown jeans out of the Goodwill bag.

Brian notices the tank is on empty when he borrows his dad’s car to go to a football game. He ignores that fact until he runs out of gas. He misses the first touchdown because of the time it took to walk to the gas station and back to the car.

A common pattern is for parents to rush in and save the children from their own choices or inactions and then feel angry that their children don’t do what they should.

Mom nags Jamie about watering, and then finally does it herself.

Dad constantly reminds Amy about setting her alarm, then when she forgets, he wakes her up.

Dad yells about the dirty clothes under Jason’s bed then gets up early to wash the morning Jason runs out of jeans.

Mom brings her car to Brian so he can get to the game on time, and then calls her friend to bring her some gas.

I’m not saying parents should never perform these kind acts for their children. But rescuing often becomes a pattern, one that makes children dependent and parents angry. Once parents perceive they are in this pattern, it’s time to look at the lesson they are teaching.

When rescuing occurs the only feedback the child gets is that mom or dad will take care of everything. The potential for learning responsibility goes right down the drain along with the feedback.

Children learn from their own actions. They don’t need nagging or blaming for the lesson to come though. They may feel temporarily disappointed, hurt, angry, but they learn, and, after all, learning is what life is all about.

Mother’s Encyclopedia

Learning Standards

Children are more likely to accept the standards we approve of if they see us living up to those standards day by day than if we continuously preach those standards. If you want your child to use a less shrill voice, it may help if you consistently use a low, calm voice yourself. If you want him to develop certain table manners, let him see you, and his friends and the people he admires observing those same table manners. Such a technique does not produce immediate results. It requires time and patience. But experience indicates that it should be one of the most effective ways of getting your child to accept what you believe and at the same time to come to those conclusions of his own free will.

Even when we resort to talking we can present out idea in such a way that the child does not feel forced. One method of value in the early preschool years is to express our opinions causally rather than forcing them upon our child.

We can usually get our ideas before the child without forcing him or creating resistance if we will point out to the child as objectively as possible the natural or logical consequences of what he is about to do, show the child how those consequences relate to his own wants, not to ours, and let him feel that the decision is up to him.

Some things stand the test of time from 1933 to 2008, and some, well, parents, children and the pace of life are so different these days that talking to a child they way they suggest in the piece, well some adjustments would need to be made in order to be successful.
But it is fun to see how they perceived parenting and how they talked about learning standards back in 1933!

It isn't easy being GREEN

Being Green can also mean being proactive. We chose the name ProActive Parenting because we wanted our message to be all about being proactive, not reactive. Being green means you’re doing your part to reduce your carbon footprint, before it becomes mandatory, and we’re almost at the mandatory point!

One aspect of being ProActive with your discipline means you’re reading the clues about your child’s behavior before it becomes mandatory to do something about it.

You’re helping your child change his behavior and hopefully resolving or redirecting that behavior before you’ve gone into reaction mode. ProActive means you’re looking at the clues being sent by your emotions, your child’s emotions and the clues that those around you are sending about how your child is behaving.

Being ProActive with your parenting needs to sound just like any other form of communication, natural and honest.

So this month It Isn’t Easy Being GREEN is about being ProActive now that school has started.

How does what I just stated factor into your life?

Has your child’s teacher said anything about how your child is dealing with school? If so, has your child’s teacher asked you to do anything about it yet? If she has, you may be wondering what to do. Here are a couple of ideas, ProActive ideas, Green ideas.

1. Your child won’t sit still at circle or group time.


2. Your child won’t stop interrupting the teacher when she’s talking to others.


3. Your child won’t stand in line; he keeps turning around bothering others in line that are controlling themselves.

This newsletter has shared 2 ways to teach a child about their behavior. One suggestion from Janet Gonzales-Mena is to let them learn for their results of their actions, and the other one from the Mother’s Encyclopedia is to model the behavior you want to see.

Maybe school is a new environment for your child, or maybe school isn’t new but your child is older and in a new developmental cycle so the rules are a bit more challenging at the moment.

So what can a parent do?

Here are 3 ideas you can use and implement over a weekend to help your child understand the expectations for behavior at school. It’s all about being ProActive and practice, practice, practice.
You know the old joke, how did you make it to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice!

Since you are dealing with preschoolers this technique needs to treated as if it’s “a game.”

1.  Your child won’t sit still at circle or group time.

              a.  Ask the teacher 2 things before you do this.

Ask her how long circle or group time is, and ask her what they traditionally do at that time, so you can do the same things. Do they sing, practice letters, talk about the day, what do they do?

              b.  You will be playing school.

Take some painters tape, masking tape will pull the fibers of your rug out, and make a circle on the carpet. Mom, dad and child will be sitting on the circle, playing school and doing exactly what your child does at that time each day.

              c.  Your child gets to be the teacher.

And daddy gets to be the one who isn’t sitting still. Your child gets to be the teacher and articulate to the child who won’t sit still, aka Daddy, what the rules of the classroom are.
Now you can see what your child knows and doesn’t know about the rules. 

              d.  Half way thru circle time switch roles and let your child be the one who won’t sit still.

Now daddy gets to be the teacher. Daddy will now make suggestions to help your child learn to sit still. Maybe the “teacher” suggests he sit on his hands. Maybe the “teacher” suggests that he rub his crossed legs as he sits so they can relax. And the “teacher” will also make some suggestions of ways your child can use words to respectfully tell other children to leave him alone so he can be a quiet circle time person.

Do this all weekend, as many times as your child thinks she needs to practice so she can feel ready for Monday.
Also make sure when you walk into school on Monday that you and your child not only tell the teacher that you practiced all weekend, you will also share the “tools” your child will be using so he can sit still. Otherwise the teacher may correct him for doing the very things he practiced all weekend.
   
2.  Your child won’t stop interrupting me when I’m talking to others.

Seminar #4 teaches a perfect step-by-step method to stop a child from interrupting others. And don’t forget
purchasing a seminar means you get the Mommie Mentor Memo’s of support each month for free!

3.  Your child won’t stand in line; he keeps turning around bothering others in line that are controlling themselves.

Again, the magic here is two fold. One aspect is the repetition. Your preschooler is in the repetitive phase of      development and that means in order to really teach him something you need to practice or teach it many, many times before you can hold him accountable for his behavior or can consider that he has mastered the behavior well enough to get it right all by himself.

The solution takes you back to playing school, only this solution will have you doing this all weekend long. You will be practicing at the grocery, at Home Depot or on the way into Grandma’s. What will you be practicing?  You’ll be teaching your child how to walk in silence and keep your hands to yourself. You will be marching in silence, standing in the check out line in silence, or anywhere else you can fit in walking in silence and keeping your hands to yourself in silence.
And each time you march, you’ll need to ask him, “where are your hands, are you talking to anyone?”

Half way through the weekend, stop asking him the questions. That way you can see if he’s had enough practice to master the rules and the way things are supposed to go in school all by himself.

If what I've described doesn't feel like enough information for you to feel comfortable doing a weekend practice session, then purchase seminar #8.

Seminar #8: Self-Control “Are you allowed to do that?” has all the details, the explanation of why bother to do this, and the step-by-step method that teaches, this is the way we do things, and this is how I expect you to follow the rules so we can keep you safe.

Enjoy and see you next month.